Asking "Why?" Today

Today I was asking myself "wasn't it enough I have cancer, an incurable cancer? I'm OK with that. But why do I have to also be crippled?" I don't know why I'm doing this, and then, oh yes I do. I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to take care of myself. I'm just freaking out..for the moment maybe.

Oh, and speaking of being "crippled", let me show you my new pride and joy and savior: my walker. I LOVE this walker. It saved my life the other morning. It saved my life today, for that matter. I did so much today that by late afternoon, when I walk around the house I use it. When I let the dogs outside, I sit on it and wait for them to return to the door. That has not been typical, but after my particularly active morning, I wore my little steroid weak-legs out today.

I initially had been drooling over another walker, but by the time I purchased one, it was this one. Like mom always said, "things happen for a reason." It's true, as I prefer this walker versus the original one. I even like the blue versus a plain black one.

But as much as I LOVE this walker, I do hope that it is just a fling, just a short love affair and not for the long haul. If it has to be for the long haul, I'll be ever grateful for its assistance. But if I do not have to walk arm-in-arm with my new little friend forever, I will be overjoyed even more!

I did a whole lot today, so you wouldn't think I feel scared or crippled. But hearing what I'm doing compared to seeing how I do it are two different things.

Today I accomplished:

1. Changed my bed sheets.


2. Washed & dried my old bed sheets.


3. Washed and dried my comforter.


4. Shaved and bathed Scottie (Sheltie).


5. Bathed Claire (poodle).


6. Lightly swept bedroom, living room, and kitchen.


7. Walked out to the barn for the first time since 5/9/08. (Neighbor girl surprisingly showed up and helped me water and hay horses.)


8. Fixed my own meals.


9. Showered.


10. Took my trash to my dumpster.


11. Fed my outside cats and dogs.

So, I accomplished all of this today. These everyday tasks are "accomplishments". Maybe that is why I find it scary. I think I'm being a little dramatic. I think I'm still adjusting. I think the steroids are still getting to me and more than anything, I am just fatigued, making it harder to cope. I know all of that, really.

Our minds and attitudes are funny things. How we focus or react to our circumstances will allow us to either succeed....or to fail. I know all that "rah rah" and "positive attitude" and "keep up the good fight" stuff that we're supposed to do and think. I am just weary of it this moment. But I know, it's only a "moment" that I'm struggling. And more than anything, I tell myself, is that I'm feeling the affects of these steroids. They make you so weak in the legs because they break down muscle. So, sure I'm going to feel crippled and weak.

I'm done with the steroids, so there is good news and hope here. I need to keep that hope, be realistic [I am on steroids so I will feel weak], and never give up. As I feel sorry for myself right now I think of all the people that can't use their legs at all. They figure it all out. They live. They take care of themselves. They just do it differently. I must remind myself of this and quit being so "self-focused". I need to go outward. I need to think of what I can do rather than what I can not do.

I read in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 where Paul regarded his "thorn" as an aid rather than a handicap. His "thorn" kept him dependent on divine power and humble. So, I am going to look at this "thorn of mine" as an aid. I was hoping the cancer was going to be an "aid" enough, but just my luck, I guess I need two "aids": (1) cancer and (2) crippling effect. Hmmmmm. I've always journeyed down the path less traveled. Story of my life, I think. How do I keep getting off of the beaten path?

And then, I just have to remind myself that once these steroids get out of my body, I will rebuild strength.

Tomorrow is another day, full of hope and promise. It is a day I don't have to take steroids. AMEN!