Back At Square One, But Ready To Circle

I've been waiting to blog in hopes of having some kind of definitive information as to what is going on with me and the outlook. Then, I've been tired and busy, too. I've been sort of down, too, so that's also kept me from blogging.

But, here I am. This journey is the toughest journey I've ever been on. Having a terminal cancer is the easy part. It's the physical discomfort, the finances, and the beginning to have to rely on others for many things that makes it so very difficult.

But, I know where I want to go. In the end, I hope to see me settled in a nice clean 2 bedroom duplex, hopefully in this one area I've spotted. It's a senior community. Most people are old and sickly but keep up on one another. A lady from my church lives there. She told me there are two older gentlemen that they have open their doors every day so that they know they're OK. They have 2 bedrooms, 1-1/2 bathrooms. The half-bath has a washer/dryer in it. The kitchen opens up to the front room and is real nice. There's a garage. It's flat getting in the front door so if I get a wheel chair it will be perfect. There's a cute front patio for my table umbrella. If I had a complaint it'd be only that there's not a back door. But I just love these places. The block of these homes feels like you're in Florida from the way the older folks have them decorated on the outside Some porch decorations are a bit gaudy, but still nice.

I see my self there, and hopefully with my home and/or land sold, so that I'm out from under debt. I think I will be more apt to sit outside on the patio and read or visit others. I stay inside here and admittedly, I get depressed and lonely. My place is too cluttered right now, too, which does not help. In the next month I hope to be getting rid of stuff for a garage sell or to my children. Cleaning up this place will help in the interim at least.

But seeing myself settled in a duplex will give me such peace of mind, but not only that, I think it will give me more incentive to live life more fully for what I have left. I think I'll be more positive and hopeful. The duplex is light and simple with easy access. It'll be closer to my sister and neice who are home most often. I think I will feel safer being closer to them plus having other friendly people right next door to me.

What I really look forward to, though, is increasing my faith and spiritual growth and living. I want to eliminate all these distractions and worries, simplify and have the ability to just focus the rest of my life on getting closer to Jesus..and maybe even being a better witness to others. I will be more apt to get involved with my bible study groups again.

I think the older anyone gets, the more seriously we all get regarding our spirituality and eternity. You either believe in an afterlife or you don't. Then, you either believe in God or you don't. Then, even deeper, you either believe in Jesus Christ or you don't. My prayer for the 10 years I was not attending any church was that my boys would both know Christ. Thank the good Lord, they and their wives have a personal relationship with the Lord. They also know the difference between the truth and false teachings.

How did I know to pray for that, for my boys to know Christ? I guess I've always prayed straight to God. I know I prayed to God in grade school. My religion back then encouraged us to pray to Mary and to others. Because I was told to, I tried it, but it never felt right. No wonder nothing came of it. I just instinctively prayed and talked to God. That was the only time I felt like my prayers were being heard. Plus, my mother prayed to God. Her saying was, 'not my will, but thine will be done.' Somehow my mom focused on only Jesus. I hope dad did, too. I think he did. I never heard him talk about anyone else in the sense of worshiping anyone but God. I hope that is so because I hope they are with God now.

Scripture is very clear about not praying to anyone but God. When angels appeared before the disciples or anyone and that person bowed down to that angel in awe, that angel of God clearly told those people to stand back up and to never bow down, pray or praise anyone but the Lord!! It is very clear what Scripture says about that. Pagans worshiped statues and idols. That is what got the Israelites in trouble every time: worshipping man-made idols. It's one of the commandments not to put false-gods before Him.

Gosh it's interesting though somewhat disturbing learning all of this. But better later than never I guess. I just hope to enlighten, influence, or at the very least encourage those I love to do their own research in site of finding the truth. That is all I can do, and then pray.

I've been researching this stuff for some time, though, way before I got sick. I think because I've always taken my faith very seriously. My mother had a close relationship with Jesus Christ. So, I did have that influence, thank the Lord. This religion I was raised in has been referred to on occasion as 'cultish.' There are many of this faith that actually say, "once a xxx, always a xxx." They actually believe that!! They don't see how cultish it is to say that. Raised inside this religion, I now see how many falsehoods we were taught. They have this falsehood that they are the first and one true religion. If these people would ever really study the history of how Christianity started, and from a variety of sources in order to get all sides, they could not help but open their eyes to the truth.

So this is something that is heavy on my heart. I must pray, be an example, and learn as much as I can as quickly as I can. Please help me Lord, know how to handle this.