Faith Strengthening, That's What I'm Talking About!

Today was wonderful, absolutely wonderful!

As I indicated in my last entry, I have felt a bit down. I have not felt good physically at all and then trying to do things on my own has been very taxing. Though I have lots of offers for help and accept it many a time, it's humbling and hard to see others sacrifice to help me.

It's been difficult getting to my doctor's appointments for the last three months. Then once I got there I encountered really poor care from both doctors and nurses. I've tried to accept and really like my current oncologist, Dr. Deauna. I do think she is good, I really do. I think there's a combination of a cultural thing and perhaps a female in a man's world type of thing going on with her. Then top that off with maybe her bedside manner just leaves a lot to be desired. I heard that she really cares for her patients. I believe that.

All that said, I just don't think I can tolerate her. She got off on some defensive tangent the other day when my niece and sister were with me. They witnessed it. My niece said she lost a lot of respect for her right then and there, though my niece does think she's good (e.g. smart). Both Doris and Alisa agreed that she was good and liked some things about her, but they both just about lost it when they saw how unprofessional, defensive, and rude she was to me. I really don't know what happened, but she somehow seemed to think I was accusing her of not acting upon all my symptoms. I don't even know where she got that impression, nor does Doris or Alisa. She got sarcastic and was saying that 'she's already went through all this stuff with me and now she has to take the time to re-review it again with me.' She'd been asking me what symptoms changed since the last time I saw her. She moves fast and puts words in your mouth.

I can't really describe the experience the other day other than Dr. D showed her true colors, what I saw in the beginning but tried so hard to overlook. I had witnesses to it who agree that I should not have to put up with it.

My plans? I'm changing doctors. It's tough when you have MM because there's just not many specialists in this rare disease. But there are some specialists here in KC and I am willing to change. So what if they don't have the intense background Dr. D has, they will treat me more compassionately, assuming our personalities click. If I have to go back to my original doctor, I will. He handles MM plus other cancers. He's pretty busy and one thing I do fear is that he doesn't have the good nurse working for him he used to, but still, he was compassionate. But, there's a doctor under the same umbrella who is closer to home and supposedly specializes in MM. I'm not sure what his personality is like. It may not be a lot better than Dr. D, but I think I've had it with her. Just having others back me up with my impression of how she treats me helps me come to this decision.

It's sort of scary yet, because what if I experience neglect or something similar from the new doctor I go to? It's tough getting sick with any chronic illness, and when it's a rare cancer such as MM, you are really in a pickle.

I just want to be treated with respect. I want to be able to breathe and have bowel movements. Is that too much to ask?

It's tough now due to my spinal cord damage. This will make it hard changing doctors and treatment, but with the help of my family, we'll handle it. I'm so blessed that my niece is a nurse and Monday begins working at a hospital in Independence, Missouri. She's going to do some research for me. Alisa knows all about my cancer and my spinal cord and my liver issues going on, so she will help me get a plan.

Thank you, Lord, for a loving and supportive family. And while I'm thanking you for them, thank you for my Sisters-in-Christ!

Today my sisters from church came over here for a bible study. They know I have a hard time and have been needing spiritual support, so Charlotte planned this study at my house. There was four of them that came over and we read Esther. We planned on reading the entire book of about 10 chapters, but we only got to chapter 3, but with lots of good discussion. We spent the last 30-45 minutes in prayer. These sisters are the greatest prayer warriors. You actually feel God's presence; they are so faithful. They brought so much encouragement and enrichment in my faith and spirit. I've needed that. I've needed them.

I am so thankful that God led me to the church I go to and the friends I've made there. These people are true faithful believers who walk the talk. They are sincere Christ-warriors. Unless you're a person of strong faith, you may not relate, but there's something about being able to talk about your love for God and your faith that is so exciting and fulfilling. And it sure is uplifting when you're going through tough times, as they lead you to scripture that gives you the Word from God in how to survive and thrive.

So, I started out this day with a 10:00AM bible study lasting til about 1:00PM. Charlotte brought a delicious brunch of quiche, muffins, and a fruit salad in a yummy sweet sauce of cream cheese, sour cream, brown sugar, honey, and vanilla. I made tea and coffee. We ate and visited, then began reading Esther. We closed in a wonderful prayer time; it was moving.

After my friends left, I loaded my car with my recycling. I dropped it off and then went to my neice's for a "purse party." I visited my neices and sister, didn't buy any purses though. Then I came home, changed the kitty litter, watched the FoxNews special on Sarah Palin, and now I'm relaxing in bed.

Gosh my feet and legs hurt. Nerve damage is tough stuff. I don't know what you can do besides drug yourself up. I know of someone whose daughter had something similar in her feet. She had to take such high doses of Lyrica that she slept all of the time. I hope it doesn't come to that. I will have to find a balance.

Thinking of how I'm going to get the right treatment from the right doctors is sort of discouraging, even though I started out this entry feeling more positive. It's quite a daunting task finding a good doctor with hopefully a good nurse and office support, then hope they accept your insurance, then hope they can handle all of the different tangents your illness takes you through.

But, how can I forget? That's where I turn it over to God to handle. Of course. I can't handle it. This is a job for God. I turn this over to Him, to direct me to the right doctors and nurses for my future care. Thank you, Jesus. When will I remember that you can handle everything and that I just need to hand it over to you? Thank you for your everlasting and faithful love for me, even when I forget you. You stay true to me, waiting for me to call upon you for your help. You say anything asked in your name, I will receive. Now I know that doesn't mean life will be perfect and that I will get everything I ask for, because you know what you have in mind for me. I do know that you want what is best for me, even if it means letting me handle a few trials and tribulations here on earth. That through these trials you allow me to be refined, to be humbled, to depend on you, to be useful to others, perhaps leading others to you -- things that you will reward me for and tell me, "well done, my faithful servant." I so want to hear those words from you when we meet.

Today during bible study, when I confessed to my friends that I sometimes have difficult times feeling doubts and fears in my faith. My friends said that it's hard since I don't have a partner to lean on, to give me support and pounce things off of. Ya know, that is so true. I don't have a day-to-day partner for support both mental and physical. But more so, I don't have a partner for daily spiritual support. So, I suppose it does make it a bit more difficult at times to remain spiritually strong 24/7. But then, they gave me a wonderful suggestion. They told me to write down some of the instances where God pulled through for me. Write down some of my favorite Scriptures that give me strength. I do have an index booklet of various favorite versus, but I don't have one place with the times God pulled through for me in a big and obvious way. so that I will have to do.

Right off I recall going through a very difficult time with my manager. Being the sole money earner and by myself, it freaked me out having a manager whom detested me. One morning on my way to work I just prayer for her and gave her to God to handle. I told him that I was turning this whole situation over to Him to handle, that I could not. He sure handled it, too. It ended up that I changed this manager. We were never best friends, but I later heard that she told someone, through tears, that she was finding a lot of things out about herself that she needed to change. She ended up hugging me and telling me, "I just love you." This manager was not a warm and fuzzy type, not the touchy feely type, so for her to not only hug me but to say those words, well, it was nothing short of a "God thing." I had another episode with another Director and it turned out better. Another God thing. Sprint just had some very challenging managers, what can I say?

Another time God helped me was in early 2007 when I found out that not only had I been overpaid over $6000 from an insurance company, but I was no longer going to receive the $1041 I had been receiving. Now, who can within the next 30 days suddenly adjust their budget with that much less money? I sure couldn't. I was so panicked that I had to turn it over to God. I just said, "it's yours." I knew he'd take care of me no matter if I lost my home and everything. He had some things just fall into my reach to look into and it panned out. I was able to refinance my home, and that was in itself a miracle as I live in a 30+ year old modular home. They're not easy to find financing for. My credit is not the best, I'm on disability and I can go on. But...I got this place refinanced which saved me keepiong my home. I recall one weekend when the finance rep said we had problems in 2 areas. I did what I could do, but we were waiting on something. That weekend I visualized my paperwork on someone's desk and God working on it. I pictured God turning any "no's" to "yes's". Guess what? It went through. God took care of it and it was nothing short of that.

There are other things God has come through for me. I'm going to get a little table of some sort with these sorts of examples so I can refer back to them during my low and fearful times.

Thank the Lord for the shining light my sisters-in-Christ have been to me. I hope to start attending my bible studies again, though it's going to be tough. I'm so tired. I'll do what I can, but I know it's good for me, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.