I'm Still Here - Over a Month Since I've Blogged

I've been either busy or too tired to blog. My goodness, it's been a long time since I was last here. Where do I begin?

Without getting into too much boring details, I've seen my new oncologist twice. He's Dr. T. He seems very smart, maybe a little arrogant, but way more polite than Dr. D. I don't have that sense of him being in a rush, on edge, and ready to jump down my throat like Dr. D was. He referred me to a neurologist, Dr. R. A friend went with me to that appointment yesterday. I liked him also. He confirmed my problem with my numbness etc. is from the T8 area and that it was most likely from a stroke in my spinal cord. He said that he really could not do much more for me other than the diagnosis part. He agreed that my next steps are to go to Rehabilitation.

I've already been in contact with one Spinal Cord Rehabilitation place. I need to do a bit more research on another place provided me and to check on my own whether there is any other places that can provide the type of rehab I need. One place (KU actually) sent me lots of information on bowel care for people with spinal cord problems. So, I need help with bowel care, some kind of PT and help with walking or leg strength, medication or ways to cope with leg muscle spasms and with the pain in my feet.

My MM (multiple myeloma) is still OK. The markers we watch are low enough not to require treatment, but they are rising. I'm just hoping that they go back down on their own. It seems to me that they went down on their own a time or two before, but I could be mistaken.

I'm just trying to come to terms with my discomfort, inability to function normally with bowel and urination, and of course...walking and getting around. As active and fit as I was before, I still can not believe "this is me!" I would never have thought I would have got cancer much less this spinal cord injury. The spinal cord injury is weird and I don't think common with MM. No one really knows what caused the stroke in my cord and really they don't know that a stroke occurred; they can only deduct this diagnosis by process of elimination of other tests.

In summary, my cancer seems to be lying low and I'm in the midst of trying to understand and handle my spinal cord injury. There's some questionable things in my labs, but nothing serious. For example, I continue to be low in potassium and anemic. I don't recall if I'm still low on iron.

I'm trying to work on my mental frame of mind. I want to be more positive, hopeful, and thankful. The funny thing is that I've had people come up to me and say, "You are so positive. How do you do it?" Some make that remark and add how my faith is such an inspiration to them. Some even say that "I" am an inspiration to them as they watch me go through this. I do not see this at all! I see others who get stricken with an illness who say they are thankful for each day. I heard Tony Snow say that each day was a blessing. It's not that I am not thankful for each new day, but I would rather God just take me and put me out of this misery and let me be with Him. I am not suicidal at all; I do not believe in that nor do I believe in whatever it is that Dr. Kevorkian (sp?) did. I just do not hold on to this world like other people seem to do. I suppose if I was living my dream I might hold on to this life a bit more, but I'm not living my dream. Besides that, I just look forward to Jesus.

So, I look forward to seeing Jesus, but I think I need to get a bit more content with being here. That will require having more trust and dependence on God and His purpose for me. His purpose for me is why I am still here and why I am going through this stuff. When I get close to Him, deep in the Word, and involved in my bible studies, I seem to do much better.

Speaking of bible studies, I attended my Tuesday and Thursday ones this week. I'm going to try to get back into these two studies again. I am not sure I'll be able to faithfully attend my Sunday group because of the timing and also because of my comfort level. But, I'm trying to get out there and get involved in the things that mean the most to me - and that I can still do. My difficulty walking plus my complications with some body functions limit what I can do, when, where, and for how long I can do it. But I'm trying to adjust and revamp myself. Attitude, it's all in my attitude. Working on that.