Keeping The Faith and Growing

My goodness, it's been a long time since I've journaled, blogged, or whatever it is when I type here. October 24th was my last entry!!! That was years ago, where was I even? So much has changed for the better, for the worse, and whatever. My life is still whirling. I'm on some roller coaster and I want off of it, but I'm scared to jump.

I moved November 1st to the 4-plex. I described it as small, and it is, but that's OK. I haven't been able to get everything here. I'm still waiting on closing on the 5 acre sale to my sister. That's a long story. It should never have taken this long. But as of the week before Christmas, I believe, everything was done and at the bank. I hope we're just around the corner on this closing. If not, I don't know what will happen for February rent and January house payment.

I know that I cannot move back to the farm. I'm too crippled up and cannot function out there.

I've changed oncologists. I may have mentioned that here. I'm not sure I did the right thing, quite honestly. I am courting trying to go back to the very first oncologist I had.

Things are sort of a mess in several aspects: my home not being sold and me moving to a new place to rent, the sale of my 5 acres not finalized yet, and now, apparently me getting worse as far as my numbness and such and not having a doctor to diagnose me.

What a mess! It's surely tested my faith, but it's only made my faith stronger and made me rely on God all the more.

First, the sale of the 5 acres will hopefully be finalized soon. The surveyor delayed us horribly and he still has not done a complete job, but at least enough that the paperwork is finally in the banks hands as of a few weeks ago. I'm hoping to close before the end of January. Next, I hope my home sells soon.

Now, for my issue regarding my health. My cancer is still low enough that I don't need treatment. However, I think the doctors have missed something. I think I've got something going on with my spinal cord and they just haven't figured it out. It's difficult since I've changed oncologist and my new one is sort of arrogant. I don't think I like the area he works in, as I need the best of the best really, since everything I have going on is so rare and complicated. When he was sending me to another neurologist, he said he did not believe the ones at his hospital could handle what I had going on...whatever he meant by that.

I'll try to make this short and as clear as possible. When I was going to my last oncologist, Dr. D and the doctors who all worked out of KU Hospital, they said my issue was that spot at my T8. This started in May 2008. A neurologist said that I would get bad, that it would stop, and that I would not get any worse. By July 2008 I'm having to start self-cathetering. In September 2008, an MRI showed that that spot at the T8 had gotten better. The swelling was down and all that was left was "a little scar tissue." This was per the nurse of my oncologist.

By October I'm having problems with not being able to have a bowel movement. Also in October I've changed oncologists. He had me see another neurologist to confirm my symptoms. I'm not sure what that accomplished, as this other neurologists asked some questions but it was fairly apparent he had his mind made up before he even read my paperwork. I was not impressed with him and I certainly would never go to the hospital he works out of. There's more to all of this, but I don't feel like writing it all out.

But, what does not add up is the timeline of my symptoms compared to what the previous doctors are saying about my MRI results. I've continued to get more numb, crippled, and in pain..but that spot has improved?? A plus B are not adding up to C. I sound like I'm a paranoid hyperchondriac, but I do feel like my new oncologist has misjudged me. I think most of the doctors from KU misjudged me. This is so difficult. Like Doris said as we walked out of a doctor's office one day, "I feel like we're screaming but no one is listening."

I need to pray about this and trust in the Lord that He will get me through this...successfully. Three things have come to me in recent prayer and Scripture reading: thankfulness, faithfulness, and trust. God is teaching me something and I believe doing great things and I just have not seen his work yet. I read somewhere that when one goes through trials, that sometimes God has great things in store for these individuals. That is what I'm going to plan on: great things from my friendship in Jesus.

I'll get into some of this stuff more later. I just needed to update here. I am so tired and know this entry is so disorganized...but it's out there.

On a different note, I will also place some bittersweet news out here: My three precious dogs, Buddy (yellow lab), Mandy (mix), and Scottie (Sheltie) are in the best home ever. So is my precious Chloe, a cat. I'm not a "cat person" but I am crazy over Chloe. She's declawed and was an outside cat. My friend, Judy, took these precious pets of mine. They're in a better home than they ever were with me. She not only takes good care of them physically, but she gives them attention and love. This has been traumatic loosing my pets, but knowing they are so well taken care of makes it more tolerable. I'm hoping to get this crippling thing settled and if at all possible, get Chloe back as soon as I can. I love my Chloe so specially.

Mazzie (a.k.a. Mazey) has a new owner, also. I gavce my two Arabs, Stoney and Mazey, to some Natural Horse trainers I now. I knew they might find new homes for these horses. As it stands, they're keeping Stoney for the time being, but Jenny came by a perfect person for Mazzie. I would say the lady who now has Mazzie is giving her a wonderful and loving home. I could not ask for more for these beloved pets that I had been so blessed to have at one time. So, it's been bitter but there's been sweetness. That they are all in fantastic new homes makes the process easier.

That's it for now...I'm nearly falling asleep as I sit here....zzzzz