Moving Forward

Several good things have happened thus far, even if by way of some not-so-good ways. You'll understand once I explain.

First, the 5 acre sale is behind me. That is great news!

Second, my home has sold and I close on 3/4/09. That is great news, even if it is bittersweet. This was my grandparent's retirement home. There's so many great memories here, both with all of family and just with me and the boys. I wanted so bad to leave it to the boys. Had I handled my finances better in the past, I could have left 12.5 or even 17.5 acres with a nice home on it. But, I made poor decisions. All I had was an old modular home in need of repair and lots of debt. I second guess myself if I'd taken the proceeds from the 5 acres and just made some miner improvements on the home so that it was manageable to live in. That would be like putting good money after bad. But at least I would have kept it for the boys and my life insurance would pay off the note when I die. I think my youngest would like to have lived there. But...it just might not be meant to be. At least, with the decisions I've made that got me to this point, it obviously won't be.

So, moving forward I can get that second payment off my hands. I still have one other large debt, but it will be easy to pay off with my new budget. After that, I should do wonderfully financially. Hopefully I can begin to help others and save for emergencies. Most importantly, I will tithe plus. I should have been doing that all along, I know. I tried to do something. I guess I just didn't have that much faith...when you're budget is in the red....and in my condition/situation...I just didn't have the faith to write that 10% check out first, and then the other bills. But, I do feel like God has brought me here. He directed me to these units in the right timing, the 5 acres, then the timing of my land being sold. He's laying it all out for me...placing me where my focus, trust, dependence can be fully on Him. I asked Him to do that. He knows my heart. I've prayed to get to this point where I could cheerfully tithe...and now I can. THAT has been working on me for some time...and that is the only reason I share it here. I'm ashamed I haven't tithed fully earlier. I prayer about this and did various efforts. It's just worked this way and that is all I guess.

January 13th I had a, what do you call it? I had an "episode" I guess I'll say. I got a migraine-like headache, started vomiting, got dehydrated, and went into a vicious circle. I guess my body chemistry was all off balance, electrolytes, whatever. My bloodpressure was off the charts for over two days. I called Doirs (sister) and she came over with her two daughters. I was hurting so bad and so uncomfortable it ended up I was brought to the hospital in an ambulance.

I went to St. Joseph Hospital. They kept me a week and did all sorts of tests. Almost started all over with me. Basically, it's the same old story. My MM (multiple myeloma) is still there, but low enough not to need treatment. It's not live in the tissue in my spine, though it is what caused this spinal cord trouble. It looks like I did have a stroke in my spinal cord at one time, which then caused my spinal cord to atrophy. The stroke was near my T8, where I had the tumor, then radiation and kyphoplasty. I'm not sure what caused the stroke. My rehab doctor said it could be due the thickness of the blood (it gets thick with this type of cancer) and those spinal cord nerves are very touchy. Anyway, my spinal cord damage is the cause of my loss of function and nerve pain. I think I also have neuropathy. My feet burn and feet tingly like pins and needles yet they're also numb. Not sure how to explain that. It feels horrible for anything to touch them. I can hardly get under the covers at night, as a blanket feels too heavy on them.

I've prayer for relief and comfort for them and while they still hurt, I have gotten under the covers the last few nights somehow. It may be shortlived, but I've done it. I've broken another toe, I guess due to not walking well and feeling well and just jamming my foot up against something. I'll need to start being more careful. My toe is all black & blue and up into the foot.

I need to find some kind of shoes that I can wear. I can wear some Krocs because the toe space is larger. I have some Walmart shoes I found that work. I don't dress very stylish any more.

I do want to go shopping sometime and try to find some kind of pants and shoes where I feel more presentable. So, since I have that desire---that is a GOOD sign I figure. I'm beginning to care more about those types of things. Before, I didn't care all that much. Progress.

My stomach area still feels weird and is all jacked up. This new medication is doing funky stuff. While I was in St. Joseph, about a week, they changed my pain meds. I'm now on Methadone. It's tough stuff. I'm working with the Pain Management Group at St. Joseph. I like them very much. I'm trying to give this stuff a chance. I feel different. It does seem to help with the nerve pain I have, though. I've went from 50mg of it a day down to 7.5mg...so you can where I was over-drugged for a while. I'm feeling more pain in my back bone, though. I think I can tolerate it, though. Maybe just rely on break-through pain med for that. I was on Morphine through IV in the hospital and I lost most of my memory in the hospital and my first few days at home until I lowered my dosage of the Methadone. I feel so cheated of my visit with my son from Tennessee (Phillip). He'd come up here when I was in the hospital and I barely remember him here! That just breaks my heart.

But, I'm going through a lot of stuff right now. The sell of the farm. I call my home on the 12.5 acres "the farm" because it used to be the centerpoint of my grandparent's 80 acre farm. Oh had I been a smarter girl, more obedient to the Lord, I wouldn't have to do this. I wonder why I kept making so many unwise decisions in my life? I thought I was trying to do right. I was trying to hard to be responsible, working hard at Sprint, finishing college, my graduate degree, then on to my undergraduate. I think THAT might have been one of my unwise decisions. The graduate degree was fine, but I probably didn't need the undergraduate degree. It took a lot out of me and look what it got me. I lost so much time doing it.

I may sound really regretful, and I'd be in denial if I didn't say I didn't regret it all. But, I have accepted that I did the best I knew how. With hindsight now, I would have done it differently. What I can do now is to be wise moving forward. I just need to get all my regrets out.

I regret the fact that I had to give up my land that I wanted to leave for my boys and I regret having to give up all the pets I had to give up. It breaks my heart. But, the way it's worked out, I found the BEST homes for my pets. The kinds of homes they have are better than the best days they had with me in most ways. So, I kind of wonder if God didn't design it as such. I realized one day that God takes care of his animals like he does us. Perhaps he knew they'd find better homes if I had to lose those pets now...rather than if I'd held on to the farm....died there...and then my family would have had to find homes for all those pets. They have so many pets of their own that even if they kept my pets, my pets would not have the personal attention, adoration, and love they're getting with their new owners now. God knows what he's doing. I need to realize that.

I sort of have a target of 3/4/09. That's the closing date of my home. I'll get that behind me and then I should be able to tackle my last few things. One being my last debt, which is taxes I incurred the year I went on disability. I should be able to pay these off much quicker now with my larger budget (after selling the house).

I recall when I was first ill and realizing I was going to have to make these changes that I thought, if I were in a little duplex I could focus on God and helping others. I thought that maybe THAT is where God is leading me. I do think that is the case. There are some right in my community who probably could use a friend or some kind of help. I'm hoping to figure out where God is leading me, and then to obey.

I'm in two different afternoon bible studies now. One at my church and one in another church here in town. I love these studies and the ladies in them. I've missed some lately, but now I should be able to get back into going. I feared I wouldn't be able to drive at first, but I tested it the other day and I did fine. The short distance to these churches should be fine.

Well, speaking of bible study, it's time I get into Scripture now. I am going to try to get into bed and turn out the lights at a decent hour tonight. My body is not on a good schedule.