Healing My Self, My Spirit, My Soul

Happy 2011!

2011-01-04T04:03:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year to whoever - to me! I do intend to write on here more faithfully during 2011. I've got to finish what I started, and that is to heal ~~my self~~, my spirit, and my soul. I can do only so much with healing this physical self. I'm afraid I must accept this vessel as it is, but I can try to make the best of it. My my spirit and my soul, however, can use some tender loving care.

So, look out 2011, here I come!

Heal If You Will

2010-11-11T19:03:00.000-06:00

Cancer wise, I'm doing fabulous. I've still got Multiple Myeloma, but it's just 'there' in the shadows. I don't understand how that works exactly. I'm told it's just detectable, but the markers are in a zone that is considered normal. Or at least doesn't require treatment. I don't know if that is the reason I feel so fatigued yet? Maybe that simmering wears me out? I have no idea.

My biggest challenge is the spinal cord damage that makes normal functioning - abnormal. I might notice a little difference in my legs, weaker, more wobbly maybe? But overall, I'm doing pretty darned good. At least considering the irritations.

I think a major reason I can say I'm doing fabulous is that I'm blessed enough to have some pretty wonderful family members and friends who love and support me. Oh Lord, let me never take them for granted.

There's two different lady's bible studies I do my best to attend weekly. It makes a big difference to spend that time in the Word studying and preparing for the class as well as the time spent with my Sisters-in-Christ. I'm more than thankful that I have this opportunity.

The highlights of my life, other than God's continued surprises and blessings, is watching my children and their families grow up and grow close to God and to one another. My prayers are being answered. I always believed in God, but I lacked the personal relationship with him. The relationship I have with God now would have saved my marriage many years ago. I've always prayed that my boys wouldn't make the same mistakes their parents made, and it looks like they're on the right track. Both the boys and their wives know Jesus; I couldn't ask for more.

Every Sunday my youngest and his wife and son visit. We go to church, out to lunch, then visit a bit.   When I first got sick, I didn't even have the hope of a grandchild.  Once a grandchild came along, three years into my illness, I held slim hope of seeing him through toddler-hood.  Then the second grandchild came along. I'm not thinking about those kinds of limitations so much any more. On the other hand, I do miss being physically able to do some activities with the babies I'm now no longer able to do. Much is lost with physical limitations--but I try to put more focus on what I still am capable of. I've got more work to do on that.

Some might say I spend too much time on political blogs and news sources.  I'm more aware of what is going on in our government administration than ever before, partly because I have more time on my hands. But a major part is because in the present day, America is in trouble.  For some time individuals favoring a more socialist and even communist-type government system have been organizing and boring into the insides of various vulnerable organizations in America. They've infiltrated into various places such as our education systems, Universities with radical left professors, the media, the press, Hollywood, Congress, environmental organizations, even some churches, and more! The Democratic party has been highjacked by the far left. The greatest community organizer in recent history, Saul Alinsky, prepared the way. He taught his techniques, documented them even until they were literally taught in certain universities and other places. Barack Obama taught them and Hilary Clinton is documented as being an avid admirer of Alinsky. Most of us have been preoccuppied with our own lives and too involved with our personal issues to even care about our government. We trusted our government for the most part. This has been to our detriment, particularly to the detriment of our grandchildren's futures.

America is waking up.  I hope to share useful information when it presents itself.  I hope to learn to turn toward God more to handle this kind of worry. God is in control and I am better off in remembering that. Trust in God. Trust God. And pray for our leaders--especially the ones in place now.

The Road to CanadaCare? Sally Pipes on The Truth About ObamaCare

2010-09-12T21:50:00.000-05:00

A Tough Spiritual Walk When Walking Amongst Socialists

2010-08-01T00:29:00.000-05:00

At the risk of sounding conspiratorial or like a doomsdayer, it seems to me anyway, that our World is heading down that path of no return. I wonder if prophecy is simply being fulfilled. On second thought, of course it is, it always has been.

Is it my more aged outlook on life or is corruption and anti-Jesus-sentiment more prevalent all over the world than it's ever been?  I'm reminded of two instances in the Old Testament where God was fed up with man's abhorent ways: the first time when God destroyed the world by flooding because of man's sinful ways and Noah and his immediate family were saved. The second time was when God destroyed Sodom and Gomorah because of their repeated vile actions. But that was before Jesus was sent as the sacrificial lamb; that was before Jesus was sent in God's image to show us what God was like and give us a chance to know and accept Him as our Savior.

It's never been so hard for me to stay on track with with my spiritual journey as it is now. Part of that is my fault because I'm not in the Word faithfully. I know prayer and trusting in God is vital, but I want to do more than that. For now I pray and try to remind myself that God is always in control.

I'm afraid of the anger that swells inside me when I realize the real agenda of the Progressives in our United States government. I'm worried at how my children, although adults, are vulnerable to the propaganda this Socialist society has out there. It's in our schools, in environmental and conservation organizations, and it's even in some religions and churches. I never paid attention to these influences before for a variety of reasons: unaware, overwhelmed, too busy, distracted, not interested, naive, and probably more. But now because I have more time and interest, I am more aware of the poison that is infecting our world.

These Progressives are Socialists who believe in redistribution of wealth.  [Progressive is the new and more acceptable term for Socialist.] The most powerful and influencial ones are the financers or funders of organizations such as Center for American Progress (American Progress.org), the Liberal Progressive think tank.  The Center often writes a suggestion for what the Obama administration should do, and within days the White House fullfills its duty. George Soros funds this Center quite generously, as I understand.

There are over 80 Democratic and Independent representatives who are part of the Congressional Progressive Caucus. They once were openly part of the Democratic Socialists of America (DSAusa.org) but have now scrubbed any association of themselves from that site. Google  "Socialist" and see what Wikipedia provides. It's very -G-rated. They have turned a little more low-key as far as promoting their Socialist agenda on the Internet so openly, with the current Obama-Socialist radical agenda.

For a laugh and demonstration how the Progressives try to avoid the use of the word "socialism" so they won't scare the naive citizen away, watch this video. Notice how Ms. Waters accidentally says the dirty word, catches her self, stumbles for words, then gives up and admits the government's socialistic agenda of taking over the oil business. Watch the expressions on the people's faces sitting next to Ms. Water's, they nearly bust out in laughter. And while this scene draws giggles at the mishap of words, it's really not a laughing matter, not at all.

Healing Prayers

2010-03-03T00:09:00.002-06:00

Sunday evening my church held a prayer meeting. Those who wanted to be prayed upon and those who wanted to pray were to attend. A wonderful Sister-in-Christ asked me to go and said she'd pick me up. I think I initially went because I knew it'd mean so much to her. I'm so glad I did. I know she cares for me and prays for me, but I never realized just how much.

I have not used this blog as I created & intended to do so. My goal will be to make it happen. It has definitely been one heck of a journey and it is ashamed I haven't blogged about it. I think had I blogged about my journey in greater depth, I may be farther along right now. Better later than never, right?

My pastor, J and C all prayed over me. There were others needing prayer and several others praying over them. I pray to believe God and receive his love. Believe and receive. He can do anything and he can work miracles. God wants me healed.

I needed spiritual healing, too. It wasn't just about my cancer or my spinal damage; it was also about my being open to God, hearing him and knowing what He wants me to do. There must be a way I can better serve the Lord. I asked for this prayer and it was requested.

I've not been in the Word every day. Guilty. I know better. When I allow the door of distraction to open the least little bit, it's not long before that opening widens. At least I'm ready to close that door on distraction, but now I need to take action. I need to set a dedicated time aside each day for prayer & Scripture. Making my sleep/awake schedule right will be a good start.

Tomorrow I have my intrathecal pump refilled and my doseage increased. Next week I resume physical therapy (pt). I canceled it the last few weeks because the cold was getting to me and my legs have been stiff at times. I need to focus and get strong.

I was tempted to once again put off today and skip bible study, but I didn't. I attended and was so glad I did.

I've been going through some Soul Searching. I'm not sure I need to write about it, but I may share some thoughts in another entry. The current administration's trying to shove this healthcare bill down our throats is upsetting. The partisan tactics and remarks are intolerable. It's wrong. But there's a way Jesus would have be react and respond. I'm praying about this.

I need to think of a personal closing for my entries. Give me some time to think about one.

Pride Is Like Bad Breath

2010-02-22T00:52:00.002-06:00

"Pride is like bad breath: everyone knows you have it but you." [author unknown]

Like a big smarty pants, I've put this quote on my other blogs, too. I heard it on a Sunday morning service. I didn't know of the minister, but he preached a good sermon. This quote caught my attention. The more I thought about it, the more I related.

I never thought of myself as being too prideful. I know there have been times when I said things I didn't mean, I had the last word, or I didn't make a connection at all. But I told myself that those times didn't happen too often, and besides, somehow it wasn't my fault things turned out the way they did. And, hadn't I apologized and really meant it several times? Hadn't I told others I cared? Surely I don't have a problem with pride?

But I do. I hate to admit it, but I do have issues with pride. I'm more prideful than others realize. And what shakes me up the most, I'm more prideful than I even realized! Yikes!

Just listening to that TV Minister this morning told me something that I need to pray about and be more conscious of.

It is important to attend church or at least listen to services on TV if one can't get out. God speaks to us in various ways. He spoke to me today. Thank you, dear Lord.

One Step At a Time

2010-02-15T23:21:00.002-06:00

Sis offered to take me to my physical therapy today and I glady accepted the favor. Joy is so very thoughtful and supportive of me. I'm blessed for that. She brings a book and just reads while I do my thing.

Speaking of physical therapy, I did well today. Woody said I have improved a bunch. That is encouraging. One thing he said to me which stuck in my mind and gave me hope. He said that as long as you can move it, that you can strengthen it. When my legs feel so heavy, it helps to remind myself that I can make them stronger.

Today was Claire's grooming day at Doggie Day Spa. She is always so tired after her beauty treatment. As soon as the weather gets warmer and I feel up to it, I'm going to have the vet check her teeth and possibly have them cleaned. They are yucky.

We stopped by the grocery store today and I loaded up on lots of vegetables.

I did not return some phone calls last week and I feel bad. One of my dear friends I've known since grade school called me. I did not return her call because I've just been too tired to really talk. I feel bad as her mom has been very ill and in the hospital. I will get in touch with her this week. I need strength to be there for my friends. She and her mother are dear to me.

Highs & Lows

2010-02-13T23:53:00.002-06:00

Since having the migraine last week, my legs are gradually recovering to what is their normal. I will have to remember if I get ill again and off my feet for a few days that I will recover. When I first tried to have a normal day I felt that I might not be able to walk or stand. My legs felt just that weak. But with each day I am slowly regaining. Log that in my memory so I won't worry so much next time I get sick off my feet.

I try to set goals or dreams to keep me more on "highs" vs "lows." My pain gets to me and then my inability to get around gets to me. It's frustrating not having the ability to do simple errands like going to the store when I need to. I must psych myself in strength and coping with the pain as I walk about to do these things. It's annoying. It's scary at times and sad at others. But if I ask myself whether I'm doing better or more now than a year ago, what is the answer? I think I am doing better. Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm doing better. So there's another reason for a "high."

I'm longing for Spring and Summer. Last year I spent most of the summer in bed, sleeping and resting. I was so drugged out on the Baclofen. While I'm still more fatigued than I care to be, I'm far better off and nothing at all like I was when I was on the Baclofen pills. I remember staying in bed til 4:00pm! It was horrible and nearly depressing. I'm going to try very hard this summer to sit outside a lot, reading, drawing, or doing anything to enjoy the outdoors. I'll put my umbrella up on my table and maybe it will provide enough shade in the hot afternoon. I'm going to try to cook on the grill a lot, too. Maybe I'll go as far as wearing a 2 piece and getting a tan! I am going to try to get my neighbor, Shirley, out more too. Last year we sat in our driveway a few times visiting. In the evenings we must sit in our driveways facing East to get out of the sun. It will do both Shirley and I, and even her husband Gentry, a lot of good to get some fresh air outside. It probably would attract some of our neighbors to join us (if they saw us outside). I am blessed to live in this culdesac of retirement homes. I have a great landlord, nice home, and good neighbors. Another high point.

When I'm apt to get down I imagine things I can do to improve my life. It seems to work.

Dog's Rule!

2010-02-11T22:15:00.002-06:00

I'm watching the December 12, 13, 2009 AKC/Eukanuba Championship as I blog, so I'm multitasking. These dogs are so darned cute that I just can't stand it!

I saw Dr. M yesterday. He said that we'd continue to watch my numbers. They were the same in August 2009, then they went in "good" directions between then and now. They're just back to where they were in August 2009, which isn't all that bad. So, my Myeloma is notable and just simmering. Nothing to do but watch.

I told Dr. M that if it starts acting up and I require treatment, that I wasn't sure I was going to get it. If I did not have the spinal cord stuff going on, I'd be in for the fight. I'd be doing more now. But treatment always has its own side effects and I know that I cannot handle any side effects combined with the pain I feel now with the spinal damage. Dr. M understood completely. He had a bil who injured his spine from a fall. He required a catheter and kept getting infections and requiring hospitalizations. Finally he'd had enough. The last infection he just had them keep him comfortable and he died. That sounds horrible, but like Dr. M said, it gets down to a quality of life thing. Sooooo, just sayin' --- all is well for now. But when this Myeloma starts to misbehave, well, ..... I'll cross that bridge when the time comes. I'm doing fine right now.

I did not go to bible study today. It was cold early this morning and I just couldn't get past the cold. I didn't want to get out in it, even though the sun was shining. My feet just hurt too much. I was tired, too.

The Scottish Terrier won, winner gets $50,000, but WHO could CHOSE??? They're all so cute!

Step Forward, Fall Back, Make a Comeback Again

2010-02-09T22:44:00.002-06:00

Gosh, I was doing pretty good, then BAM! A migraine kicked me on my rear for 3 days.

Last week I was doing pretty good, at least for me. I even went to a shopping mall and went to three different stores. My feet were killing me and I hurt, but I did it!

For whatever reason, I came down with a vomiting migraine Friday. I barely could sip on 7-up over ice and ate about 3 little oyster crackers to get something in my stomach over 2-1/2 days. Sunday I sat on the couch a few hours to at least get up. It was scary because my legs lost so much strength over this duration of sickness.

But I'm slowly regaining my strength back. It was a set-back for sure, but I'm getting back in the saddle. I cancelled my Monday appointments of having my pump medicine increased and PT. I went ahead and cancelled Wednesday's PT as well. I figure I better regain my strength back before trying to go there again. I made appointments for next week for PT. I decided to not bother with increasing my pump medicine either until I go in for the refill, which was in a few weeks anyway. I'm so tired of so many appointments. So, I'm just going to deal with this dosage until 3/3/10. Then I'll have my pump refilled and the dosage increased at that time. My legs are a bit stiff, but I can't tell a lot right now while I'm recovering from the migraine effects.

It's been taking MORE than what I got to get out of bed these past few days, but it's paying off. I actually did some laundry and swept the house today. That is a good sign.

Tomorrow I see Dr. M, oncologist. I've already received my lab work results. My M-spike has increased from .70 to 1.1. I don't think that's high or a concern, but I'm not happy it went up. My IGG serum went up, too. I forget, but it's higher than the normal range I think. See, I'm not even paying much attention right now. Guess I better get back in the game some.

Here in Northwestern Missouri it's cold and we have snow, but we are getting around. The sun came out today and it was a welcome sight. I have been to weak to go to the mailbox, even with my walker, but today I did it. Drat! Just last week I walked to it with just my claw cane! But today I used my walker with wheels and even put Claire on leash and took the plunge.

I do think I'll regain my strength in the next few days. All is not lost, but it is a bit frustrating. I won't let it discourage me.

Bible study was cancelled today due to the cold and I was thankful. I would have skipped it, due to the cold. There's the Thursday study in a few days. We'll see.

Getting Better, At Least Today Was Good

2010-02-02T23:04:00.002-06:00

Today was good. After missing 6 weeks of my sweet Tuesday bible study, I attended today! I walked in using my cane even! I loaded my walker just in case I thought I needed it, but I carried my purse and my bag holding my bible and walked in...slowly...using my cane. We're studying a book on the Ten Commandments. Today we were on Commandment 7, Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery. We had good discussion, as always. I love these people and have missed them!

Yesterday was good, too. I had physical therapy (pt) yesterday. When I first woke up I could see it was dreary outside. It was supposed to snow. It was that kind of day that had that gray overcast to it. It just looked cold, but it was not as cold as it looked. I was laying in bed, courting cancelling my appointment when my sister, J, called and offered to take me. I took that as a sign to get up and go. So I did.

My feet initially burned extremely much yesterday morning, my legs felt extra numb, and I was having more difficulty walking even with my walker. I had grave doubts how my pt session was going to pan out. I didn't have anything to worry about, I'd soon find out.

I noticed I was walking rather well as I started to my sister's car. I focused on small steps, but lifting up my leg and toe with each step, rolling from heel to toe and pushing off from that toe with each step. Woody had one of the ladies working with me initially. In the exercise room was only one other patient and two of Woody's helpers. We all began joking and laughing and having a great time as we two patients did our therapy. Then Woody entered and...well...it was still a good time. Woody had me walk two laps around the clinic without my cane. I did it! He placed a belt around my waist and followed behind me. If I were to fall, I knew there was no way he'd catch me, but I didn't share my opinion. I just figured if I went down, I'd take him with me and have a good laugh.

After the second lap and back in the exercise room, Woody had me walk forward about 10 feet as fast as I could. He also had me back up, slowly this time.

I don't know how much longer I'll be doing pt. I have a feeling that I won't be doing it that much longer as I've made improvement. I need to keep up exercising. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to walk without a cane some day? Actually, to walk more steadily with a cane even, would be wonderful.

I see Dr. M next week for my 3 month check up regarding my MM status. I already have the results of my labwork. This time my markers jumped back up again, but nothing to require treatment yet. When or if the time comes where I might require treatment, I'm not really sure what I'll do. First there is insurance to consider. I think insurance covers IV treatments fair enough, but oral treatment for this type of cancer is not feasible. Medicare D is not good when it comes to cancer drugs. Revlimid and Thalidomide used to cost anywhere from $6,000 to $12,000 per month. My old prescription coverage paid for it and I had a $30 and later a $50 co-pay. I wouldn't be surprised if the co-pay is now $100 on the old plan I once had. But Medicare D pays 25% to 33% the cost. Do the math. 33% of $6000 even...I could not afford that monthly.

If we did not have to have Medicare D (GOVERNMENT OPTION), then my employer would have been required to continue to provide my prescription coverage. But when I had to go on disability, therefore Social Security, my employer was able to drop my prescription coverage. They give me $41 per month to apply to my Medicare D coverage. BUT...the prescription coverage is horrible compared to what I had on my private plan.

I need to find a good tax person since I sold land and now rent my home. I dread tax time.

Physical Therapy and Pump Status

2010-01-30T00:55:00.005-06:00

I've been going to physical therapy two times a week for the most part. I'm amazed at the variety of very simple exercises Woody presents to me for strength and balance. I'm definitely getting stronger, but I continue to experience strange changes and sensations that are not pleasant. After a day of PT or activity it seems my feet and legs suffer for another 24 hours recovering.

I don't know if this is common with all spinal cord injuries, but nothing stays the same. I continue to have new sensations or at least stronger ones. My strength is improving though, so it gets confusing. For example, right now my legs are stronger but I'm having a more difficult time coordinating and moving them, my ankles and feet are very swollen, and my feet are burning more than ever. Is it all the movement? Who knows. I keep plugging along. I'm keeping a forward focus and looking forward to Spring.

I'm still in a partial remission. I just got the labwork back for my next doctor appointment. My m-spike remained the same and the immunoglobin G went up to just above normal range. It's not a major alarm. It's just that it moved....up. It can play with your mind. But looking back at about a year's trends, those markers have fluctuated. They can likely decrease the next time labwork is performed.

As Time Goes By

2009-12-29T01:20:00.004-06:00

My Medtronic Pump holding Liorsel (Baclofen) was implanted November 4, 2009. It's a definite improvement but it's not a cure. The "definite improvement" is big, though. I certainly do not want to sell it short. I'm working with a really nice Physical Therapist (PT), Woody. He's very kind and professional and is a business partner as well as close personal friend with my Rehab doctor. So, it's a nice, close-nit, neat little family.

It's a slow process, said to be approximately 6 months even to get the medicine adjusted appropriately. I've had the Liorsel increased 3 times I think. I need it increased again. I see Dr. P Wednesday. I've waited too long and should have made an appointment to have it increased earlier but with the holidays and other stuff, I didn't. I filled in with the oral Baclofen, but it's not as effective and does seem to make me more sleepy.

Lately I've been more sleepy again. Once the pump I definitely noticed a lift of some of the drug-induced stupor, but I'm still pretty sleepy. One reason is that I don't sleep well, but even when I do get a number of hours sleep, it's just difficult to get up.

Physical Therapy has been quite helpful. I've went to about 4 appointments. With more time and appointments, it can only improve. What I really desire is a support group. Woody said he's open to it and it's a definite consideration. I've told him I'm very interested in that. He has one for post-stroke victims. I need to find someone who feels the same indescribeable sensations I feel, though. The pulling and squishing and just pressure I feel in my stomach/private area is nothing short of maddening. Then my feet burn so bad. I might as well hold them over a live flame! The stiffness in my ankles is uncomfortable, blah blah blah. I think to just meet someone who feels the exact same sensations or at least very similar would be helpful, encouraging if nothing other than 'misery loves company.' I don't want nor desire to have a pity-party or whining session; I just want to hear that someone else has to live with this.

Sometimes I have a plan of overcoming this pain forming in my mind and it sounds so good. It's not all that complicated really. It's hard not to fixate on the pain when it's at its ugliest moments. But the brain is powerful and I know there are ways to change my focus that will aid in coping.

Woody also gave me a suggestion to help with the nerve pain in my feet. He said to get 2 tubs: one with ice water and one with very warm water, as much as I can stand without scalding my feet. Put my feet in the ice water 1 minute then in the hot water 3 minutes. I guess I alternate several times and this may regenerate the message line in my spinal cord where it's falsely telling my brain that my feet are burning. I need to try this. I'm afraid in a way that it might make my feet feel even crazier! I will try it and post the result...when I get the nerve.

I've not started to reread a book I just read, Heaven is Real by Don Piper. Don experienced death after a head-on collision with a Mac truck. His original book 90 Minutes in Heaven described his painful experience. Don speaks of living with pain. There comes a time where you just have to accept it and move forward. Between faith, prayer, physical therapy, and a fun hobby, I look forward to getting a handle on this pain issue.

Oh, and I still hope to find, create, or join some Spinal Cord Injury support group - I believe one is needed. I think one is needed for all levels of Spinal Cord Injuries, but I wonder if individuals in that 'in-between' level are sort of lost. We're mobile enough not to have constant care yet we have great difficulty doing everything. We are numb and yet we feel and have sensations just enough to feel crazy pain and discomfort. This "in-between" place is puzzling.

From April to November 2009

2009-11-13T01:39:00.004-06:00

I've come a long way since April 2009. In April I had begun to settle in with my "new" doctors. One of my last comments was that I was not ready for that Medtronic pump and that two doctors advised me to hold off and two doctors were in favor of it.

As of November 4th, Wednesday, I now have a Medtronic pump working inside me. The two doctors who initially advised me to hold off later agreed that I would be a very good candidate for this pump. In just over one week, I know I've made the right decision. I still have a ways to go and will enjoy even more benefits. But as of now, it's already better.

At first the idea of having an object inserted inside me was disgusting and scary. I guess it took time to think about it, time to ponder the benefits, the possibilities, and the idea of some-thing-in-side-of-me. Once I decided to do it, I didn't have a doubt. Once the date was set, I really didn't mull over the details of what was going to happen. I did, however, imagine an object in my stomach, in the exact place they said it would be. I think that helped me prepare and accept it.

I have gone through many hospitalizations, tests, pokes, prods, and such, but I have never been cut open. I've had that kind of surgery, I forget its term, where they work through a puncture - like when a kidney stone was removed they went from behind, rather high, and used a tube (or whatever) to enter my kidney from the top and remove the stone. It was less obtrusive than in the olden days where they cut one open to remove the stone. Lithotripsy did not work for my stone; my stone would not crumble. Then I had my gall bladder removed and there were only three little spots. I've never had a real incision. My respect and admiration goes to all mothers who have had C-sections. My GOSH does it hurt and my muscles were not even cut through. This pump is placed between my skin and fascia. I did not know what fascia was/is. It is a tissue that holds our skin in place.

Right now my stomach is all swollen around the pump. This swelling will subside after a while and the pump will be neatly held. Dr. Morgan described it like when you have a splinter. When you have a splinter, a liquid forms around it. A liquid performs around this pump. Dr. suggested for two weeks to wear this girdle-like thing that wraps around and holds it snug. This will encourage the liquid to dissipate. I can't wait because I'm tired of wearing this thing. I'm told there are these tightish pant things for women I can also wear and they would be as effective. If I get out shopping before this heals, perhaps I'll try them.

I am much more settled now. I think my new team of doctors helped me a lot.

I am not ready for winter. I did not enjoy summer enough if at all. I spent most of it in bed, sleeping. I've been in such a stupor because of the medicine I take. Instead of taking Baclofen pills I will now have the liquid go from the pump directly to my spinal cord and the dosage will be way less than what I was taking by pill.

OH, and my MM (multiple myeloma) markers are great. It's almost as if I'm healing myself for now. With MM, you just enjoy and keep your fingers crossed. This can go on for years or without a day's notice, these markers can suddenly get nasty. No doubt they'll rear their nasty heads again one day, it's just when will that day come. I'm not looking that far into the future, so at this time it does not worry me.

Right now, I'm trying to accept this new normal regarding my walking and feeling sleepy plus I'm enjoying my grandsons. Unfortunately I have to enjoy one grandson from afar. I get sad when I think he'll be one year in nearly 4 months and I've seen him only once. Haven't I heard other grandparents say that before? It never registered with me until it happened to me. But I'm thankful for all that is because it is good.

On another tangent, I've learned some life lessons this year. I think we're always learning life lessons, but some are more harsh, daunting, disappointing than others. I'd say my life lessons were typical, but a few were hurtful. They were disappointing. They were just sad. It's one of those things where you believed in someone or at least gave them the benefit of the doubt as far as their authenticity and relationship with you. Hints and such often gave you warnings of the truth, then something or somethings happened that you finally face up to the facts. And it is sad.

I wallered in that sadness for a while. Then I finally realized I was freed. I was freed from living that lie. I know what to expect now and I never hold my breath. I didn't realize that when I was entwined in this falseness, it was this connection that was leading me into this darkness. When the splitting moment was first apparent to me, I was jolted and felt abandoned. In my solitude and sadness, mulling over why it had to be like this, I began to see the darkness lifting. I saw where I was better off. I saw where I was freed. I saw that I was better off.

And, God was still there.

This sounds like the end of a romantic relationship, and it is not. I haven't been in a romantic relationship for years.

Healing...Surviving...Coping...Growing...Trying

2009-04-23T00:12:00.002-05:00

I finally saw the neurologist, Dr. A. He's very thorough and compassionate. I feel in good hands with him. He diagnosed me with Radiation Myelopathy (Thoracic). He said I have Central Pain Syndrome, neurogenic bladder and neurogenic bowel. He felt I was on enough medication and encouraged me to work with my rehab doctor (Dr. P) plus the Pain Management doctor (Dr. M).

Dr. M (Pain management) felt that I would benefit with a drug delivery therapy called Medtronic. This pump is attached inside your stomach and a catheter goes from it to your spinal cord, where it pumps medicine directly to receptors near the spine where it interrupts the pain signals before they reach the brain.

The pain pills I take work through the brain, I guess fooling the brain about the pain I'm feeling. No wonder I don't feel like me. No wonder some people think I act differently. I am different. I'm trying to hold on to "me" and to overcome the affects of the medications.

Dr. M was to contact my oncologist, rehab doctor, primary care physician, and neurologist to see if they agreed with me using this pump. Dr. A (neurologist) and Dr. P (rehab) have already previously indicated it would be a very last choice. Dr. A had concerns about what is already going on in my spine and he wasn't keen on having this inserted in my spine.

I think my gut instincts are to avoid this as well. I like the idea of not having to take as much medication because it's going straight to the receptors in the spine plus it not going to the brain. I like that part. I don't like the idea of having that pump inside my stomach as it's a very large and heavy pump. It's at least 3 to 3-1/2 inches wide and over 1 inch tall...and heavy. Since I have a short-waist especially plus I'm already uncomfortable in my abdomen, I just don't think the good outweighs the bad. Plus, like Dr. A felt, I'm very leery doing anything that might harm my spinal code any more than it already is harmed. If Dr. A has that concern, then I really have it.

Everything with my colonoscopy/endoscopy went well plus the biopsy on the cyst on my pancreas is fine. The GI doctor wants to do a CT scan in 6 months, I guess to keep the cyst under view. I think that is common. I'm working through a nurse to figure out what type of medicine plus dosage I should take for the neurogenic bowel.

Such fun.

My older sister and her husband will be returning to Colorado for much of the summer. I've grown accustommed to their taking me to doctor appointments. This will be a good time to check out just how independent I still am. I think I prefer being babied! :)

A bummer on the home front. It was bad enough the sale of my house fell through, but it ends up the people stole a big double gate from my back paddock. They'd been entering my house before closing and painting a room and a few walls. I had left all the paint to my inside in a closet. While I realize they were just anxious to move in, they should not have been on the property at all, let alone moving or changing anything. They took my good curtains down, stepped on them and basically ruined them for future use. I'm sick about that as I would loved to have kept those curtains and was leaving them with the house.

Right after we found out the loan was nixed, my sister and brother-in-law (bil) saw a couple cars, a truck and a flat-bed up at the house. They headed up to the house but the convoy had left already. As the truck and flat-bed went down the drive, apparently my bil saw what he thought was a panel on the bed. I'm now thinking it was my gate. I'm figuring they were frustrated they didn't get the place and maybe they thought the gate was payment for their painting. Wrong. They should not have been painting...and they have out and out stolen my property. The gate was pulled off of the post until the post split. My son wonders if they didn't put a rope on the gate and pull it off. I'm so crippled up that it's difficult to do all that I would be doing to address this if I could just get around. This is such a frustrating position to be in.

I'm too tired now to get into much more, so will address later. I'm determined to get on top of these challenges, though. I keep telling myself that it could always be worse. And I know it could.

April Update

2009-04-14T23:56:00.002-05:00

The sale of the house (modular home on 12.5 acres) fell through. Because it's a 35 year old modular home, the loan company rejected the loan. The buyer had $23,000 to put down on it even. I'm going to have to think of something else soon. This is when my faith is tested. I'll address that another day.

I'm still trying to figure out what is going on with my body, particularly my lower half. I think I'm getting close to an answer. My cancer is smoldering and not requiring any treatment at this time.

Saw my urologist, bladder and kidneys are fine. Dr. F (urologist) did fine a cystic mass in my pancreas, which was missed on the CT scan when I was in the hospital in January.

As a result of that finding, I had a endoscopy/colonoscopy last Friday. Everything seems just fine, though a biopsy is being performed on the cyst. I don't know when they'll have the results, I imagine by tomorrow anyways. My PCP will be informed of the results but I don't see him for a few weeks. I didn't even think of asking Dr. J how I'd find out the results.

Tomorrow I finally see the neurologist, Dr. A. This is the doctor's appointment I've been waiting for. Dr. A is known for not only being very good, but also having a very good communication style with his patients. I need this bad!

Since my symptoms of pain, discomfort, imbalance, and weakness appear to be nerve and spinal cord damage, I'm hoping Dr. A will be able to assess my situation and perhaps prescribe a new recipe of medication taht will help me cope better. I would expect it might take a few visits, as well. Dr. A has a lot of information to digest and evaluate.

But finally, I do hace hope. Hope. Quite honestly, I think I've lost it for some time now. I just now realize, as I type this entry, that I'd lost hope but I've once again regained it.

I want to add so much more to my blog, but I've just been so uncomfortable plus my mind is not working right. It's the pain and medication. I really don't think all is lost, though. I just need a good doctor's help and I need to depend on the Lord.

On the bright side and perhaps should have been the first thing I noted: I had my second grandson, Caiden, on March 15th. Caiden and his parents deserve an entire entry plus pictures. I'm very tired now and not prepared to do that entry--but it is coming.

Later.

Moving Forward

2009-02-04T16:14:00.002-06:00

Several good things have happened thus far, even if by way of some not-so-good ways. You'll understand once I explain.

First, the 5 acre sale is behind me. That is great news!

Second, my home has sold and I close on 3/4/09. That is great news, even if it is bittersweet. This was my grandparent's retirement home. There's so many great memories here, both with all of family and just with me and the boys. I wanted so bad to leave it to the boys. Had I handled my finances better in the past, I could have left 12.5 or even 17.5 acres with a nice home on it. But, I made poor decisions. All I had was an old modular home in need of repair and lots of debt. I second guess myself if I'd taken the proceeds from the 5 acres and just made some miner improvements on the home so that it was manageable to live in. That would be like putting good money after bad. But at least I would have kept it for the boys and my life insurance would pay off the note when I die. I think my youngest would like to have lived there. But...it just might not be meant to be. At least, with the decisions I've made that got me to this point, it obviously won't be.

So, moving forward I can get that second payment off my hands. I still have one other large debt, but it will be easy to pay off with my new budget. After that, I should do wonderfully financially. Hopefully I can begin to help others and save for emergencies. Most importantly, I will tithe plus. I should have been doing that all along, I know. I tried to do something. I guess I just didn't have that much faith...when you're budget is in the red....and in my condition/situation...I just didn't have the faith to write that 10% check out first, and then the other bills. But, I do feel like God has brought me here. He directed me to these units in the right timing, the 5 acres, then the timing of my land being sold. He's laying it all out for me...placing me where my focus, trust, dependence can be fully on Him. I asked Him to do that. He knows my heart. I've prayed to get to this point where I could cheerfully tithe...and now I can. THAT has been working on me for some time...and that is the only reason I share it here. I'm ashamed I haven't tithed fully earlier. I prayer about this and did various efforts. It's just worked this way and that is all I guess.

January 13th I had a, what do you call it? I had an "episode" I guess I'll say. I got a migraine-like headache, started vomiting, got dehydrated, and went into a vicious circle. I guess my body chemistry was all off balance, electrolytes, whatever. My bloodpressure was off the charts for over two days. I called Doirs (sister) and she came over with her two daughters. I was hurting so bad and so uncomfortable it ended up I was brought to the hospital in an ambulance.

I went to St. Joseph Hospital. They kept me a week and did all sorts of tests. Almost started all over with me. Basically, it's the same old story. My MM (multiple myeloma) is still there, but low enough not to need treatment. It's not live in the tissue in my spine, though it is what caused this spinal cord trouble. It looks like I did have a stroke in my spinal cord at one time, which then caused my spinal cord to atrophy. The stroke was near my T8, where I had the tumor, then radiation and kyphoplasty. I'm not sure what caused the stroke. My rehab doctor said it could be due the thickness of the blood (it gets thick with this type of cancer) and those spinal cord nerves are very touchy. Anyway, my spinal cord damage is the cause of my loss of function and nerve pain. I think I also have neuropathy. My feet burn and feet tingly like pins and needles yet they're also numb. Not sure how to explain that. It feels horrible for anything to touch them. I can hardly get under the covers at night, as a blanket feels too heavy on them.

I've prayer for relief and comfort for them and while they still hurt, I have gotten under the covers the last few nights somehow. It may be shortlived, but I've done it. I've broken another toe, I guess due to not walking well and feeling well and just jamming my foot up against something. I'll need to start being more careful. My toe is all black & blue and up into the foot.

I need to find some kind of shoes that I can wear. I can wear some Krocs because the toe space is larger. I have some Walmart shoes I found that work. I don't dress very stylish any more.

I do want to go shopping sometime and try to find some kind of pants and shoes where I feel more presentable. So, since I have that desire---that is a GOOD sign I figure. I'm beginning to care more about those types of things. Before, I didn't care all that much. Progress.

My stomach area still feels weird and is all jacked up. This new medication is doing funky stuff. While I was in St. Joseph, about a week, they changed my pain meds. I'm now on Methadone. It's tough stuff. I'm working with the Pain Management Group at St. Joseph. I like them very much. I'm trying to give this stuff a chance. I feel different. It does seem to help with the nerve pain I have, though. I've went from 50mg of it a day down to 7.5mg...so you can where I was over-drugged for a while. I'm feeling more pain in my back bone, though. I think I can tolerate it, though. Maybe just rely on break-through pain med for that. I was on Morphine through IV in the hospital and I lost most of my memory in the hospital and my first few days at home until I lowered my dosage of the Methadone. I feel so cheated of my visit with my son from Tennessee (Phillip). He'd come up here when I was in the hospital and I barely remember him here! That just breaks my heart.

But, I'm going through a lot of stuff right now. The sell of the farm. I call my home on the 12.5 acres "the farm" because it used to be the centerpoint of my grandparent's 80 acre farm. Oh had I been a smarter girl, more obedient to the Lord, I wouldn't have to do this. I wonder why I kept making so many unwise decisions in my life? I thought I was trying to do right. I was trying to hard to be responsible, working hard at Sprint, finishing college, my graduate degree, then on to my undergraduate. I think THAT might have been one of my unwise decisions. The graduate degree was fine, but I probably didn't need the undergraduate degree. It took a lot out of me and look what it got me. I lost so much time doing it.

I may sound really regretful, and I'd be in denial if I didn't say I didn't regret it all. But, I have accepted that I did the best I knew how. With hindsight now, I would have done it differently. What I can do now is to be wise moving forward. I just need to get all my regrets out.

I regret the fact that I had to give up my land that I wanted to leave for my boys and I regret having to give up all the pets I had to give up. It breaks my heart. But, the way it's worked out, I found the BEST homes for my pets. The kinds of homes they have are better than the best days they had with me in most ways. So, I kind of wonder if God didn't design it as such. I realized one day that God takes care of his animals like he does us. Perhaps he knew they'd find better homes if I had to lose those pets now...rather than if I'd held on to the farm....died there...and then my family would have had to find homes for all those pets. They have so many pets of their own that even if they kept my pets, my pets would not have the personal attention, adoration, and love they're getting with their new owners now. God knows what he's doing. I need to realize that.

I sort of have a target of 3/4/09. That's the closing date of my home. I'll get that behind me and then I should be able to tackle my last few things. One being my last debt, which is taxes I incurred the year I went on disability. I should be able to pay these off much quicker now with my larger budget (after selling the house).

I recall when I was first ill and realizing I was going to have to make these changes that I thought, if I were in a little duplex I could focus on God and helping others. I thought that maybe THAT is where God is leading me. I do think that is the case. There are some right in my community who probably could use a friend or some kind of help. I'm hoping to figure out where God is leading me, and then to obey.

I'm in two different afternoon bible studies now. One at my church and one in another church here in town. I love these studies and the ladies in them. I've missed some lately, but now I should be able to get back into going. I feared I wouldn't be able to drive at first, but I tested it the other day and I did fine. The short distance to these churches should be fine.

Well, speaking of bible study, it's time I get into Scripture now. I am going to try to get into bed and turn out the lights at a decent hour tonight. My body is not on a good schedule.

Keeping The Faith and Growing

2009-01-04T23:29:00.003-06:00

My goodness, it's been a long time since I've journaled, blogged, or whatever it is when I type here. October 24th was my last entry!!! That was years ago, where was I even? So much has changed for the better, for the worse, and whatever. My life is still whirling. I'm on some roller coaster and I want off of it, but I'm scared to jump.

I moved November 1st to the 4-plex. I described it as small, and it is, but that's OK. I haven't been able to get everything here. I'm still waiting on closing on the 5 acre sale to my sister. That's a long story. It should never have taken this long. But as of the week before Christmas, I believe, everything was done and at the bank. I hope we're just around the corner on this closing. If not, I don't know what will happen for February rent and January house payment.

I know that I cannot move back to the farm. I'm too crippled up and cannot function out there.

I've changed oncologists. I may have mentioned that here. I'm not sure I did the right thing, quite honestly. I am courting trying to go back to the very first oncologist I had.

Things are sort of a mess in several aspects: my home not being sold and me moving to a new place to rent, the sale of my 5 acres not finalized yet, and now, apparently me getting worse as far as my numbness and such and not having a doctor to diagnose me.

What a mess! It's surely tested my faith, but it's only made my faith stronger and made me rely on God all the more.

First, the sale of the 5 acres will hopefully be finalized soon. The surveyor delayed us horribly and he still has not done a complete job, but at least enough that the paperwork is finally in the banks hands as of a few weeks ago. I'm hoping to close before the end of January. Next, I hope my home sells soon.

Now, for my issue regarding my health. My cancer is still low enough that I don't need treatment. However, I think the doctors have missed something. I think I've got something going on with my spinal cord and they just haven't figured it out. It's difficult since I've changed oncologist and my new one is sort of arrogant. I don't think I like the area he works in, as I need the best of the best really, since everything I have going on is so rare and complicated. When he was sending me to another neurologist, he said he did not believe the ones at his hospital could handle what I had going on...whatever he meant by that.

I'll try to make this short and as clear as possible. When I was going to my last oncologist, Dr. D and the doctors who all worked out of KU Hospital, they said my issue was that spot at my T8. This started in May 2008. A neurologist said that I would get bad, that it would stop, and that I would not get any worse. By July 2008 I'm having to start self-cathetering. In September 2008, an MRI showed that that spot at the T8 had gotten better. The swelling was down and all that was left was "a little scar tissue." This was per the nurse of my oncologist.

By October I'm having problems with not being able to have a bowel movement. Also in October I've changed oncologists. He had me see another neurologist to confirm my symptoms. I'm not sure what that accomplished, as this other neurologists asked some questions but it was fairly apparent he had his mind made up before he even read my paperwork. I was not impressed with him and I certainly would never go to the hospital he works out of. There's more to all of this, but I don't feel like writing it all out.

But, what does not add up is the timeline of my symptoms compared to what the previous doctors are saying about my MRI results. I've continued to get more numb, crippled, and in pain..but that spot has improved?? A plus B are not adding up to C. I sound like I'm a paranoid hyperchondriac, but I do feel like my new oncologist has misjudged me. I think most of the doctors from KU misjudged me. This is so difficult. Like Doris said as we walked out of a doctor's office one day, "I feel like we're screaming but no one is listening."

I need to pray about this and trust in the Lord that He will get me through this...successfully. Three things have come to me in recent prayer and Scripture reading: thankfulness, faithfulness, and trust. God is teaching me something and I believe doing great things and I just have not seen his work yet. I read somewhere that when one goes through trials, that sometimes God has great things in store for these individuals. That is what I'm going to plan on: great things from my friendship in Jesus.

I'll get into some of this stuff more later. I just needed to update here. I am so tired and know this entry is so disorganized...but it's out there.

On a different note, I will also place some bittersweet news out here: My three precious dogs, Buddy (yellow lab), Mandy (mix), and Scottie (Sheltie) are in the best home ever. So is my precious Chloe, a cat. I'm not a "cat person" but I am crazy over Chloe. She's declawed and was an outside cat. My friend, Judy, took these precious pets of mine. They're in a better home than they ever were with me. She not only takes good care of them physically, but she gives them attention and love. This has been traumatic loosing my pets, but knowing they are so well taken care of makes it more tolerable. I'm hoping to get this crippling thing settled and if at all possible, get Chloe back as soon as I can. I love my Chloe so specially.

Mazzie (a.k.a. Mazey) has a new owner, also. I gavce my two Arabs, Stoney and Mazey, to some Natural Horse trainers I now. I knew they might find new homes for these horses. As it stands, they're keeping Stoney for the time being, but Jenny came by a perfect person for Mazzie. I would say the lady who now has Mazzie is giving her a wonderful and loving home. I could not ask for more for these beloved pets that I had been so blessed to have at one time. So, it's been bitter but there's been sweetness. That they are all in fantastic new homes makes the process easier.

That's it for now...I'm nearly falling asleep as I sit here....zzzzz

God Answers Prayers II

2008-10-24T00:06:00.002-05:00

I thought this deserved a separate entry. The part deserving a separate entry is the part where God is involved, but first let me tell you that I am moving November 1st to a very nice retirement place. It's got 2 bedrooms, a kitchen, laundry room, living room, patio, and garage.

The second bedroom is very small and is really more of an office. Its got a sliding glass door to the patio just outside. It's small, but large enough and extremely nice quality.

But bottom-line, I need to get out of my current home by winter, as it is too much for me in my present and changing condition. In discussing with Dennis (the retirement homes owner), I was going to move into this last open duplex (really 4-plex) he had. It has steps and a deck. I really need no steps plus having a patio versus a deck works better for me on account of having a dog to have to let outside.

When I was discussing my options with Dennis, at one time he said that he had a lady that would be moving sometime and her place does not have any steps. At that time I said that I should just leave it to God and wait for her to move. I thought God could work out the timing of my place selling. Dennis could just notify me when the lady moves. Dennis said that it could take a month or it could take a year for her to be ready to move out. It depended on when her daughter's house sold. I felt like by taking the duplex with steps that I was perhaps trying to take things in my own hands rather than following God's guidance. I'd been praying for his guidance. It's scary sort of, committing to this move and paying double rent. But I do really need to get out of here.

My one sister who's buying the 5 acres is having delays due to meeting with a surveyor, etc. So the timing of getting the money for the 5 acres and this move is critical. If I don't close on the 5 acres in time, I'm left having to borrow money from my sons in the interim. But this puts them in a jam sort of. I just don't like doing that.

My sister and Dennis both encouraged me to take the duplex with the steps and that when a duplex with no steps came available, Dennis would let me have it. I agreed, but later worried rather I was trying to take too much in my own hands. Like when God promised Sarah and Abraham a son, but after 20-something years of waiting, Sarah took it into her own hands and had Hagar sleep with Abraham. Hagar had Ishmael. It turned out causing problems because instead of trusting God and leaving it up to Him to fulfil His promise in His timing and way, Sarah took over. Was I doing the same?

In my "Love to Pray" bible study, the verses represented on that day was Mark 11:22-24: "Have faith in God," Jesus answered... Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." One of the items in this day was to try a prayer of faith experiment. It said to read James 1:5 and it said to "..note that it reveals both the nature of God and a promise of God. If you are sure of God's nature as revealed in this verse and sure that God will deliver on his promise, ask for wisdom in connection with some practical issue you are facing right now. Believe without doubt that God will supply it. Thank him in advance for the wisdom he will provide. Keep asking and trusting until you receive the wisdom you asked for." So, with deep sincerity I read aloud James 1:5 and prayed that God would show me what to do about this duplex; that he would show me whether I should move or not and I asked him to make it obvious to me. That's how I need messages.

That very night Dennis called me. He said, "God must be looking out for you. That lady called me today and she is moving out October 15th." So, I get the duplex with no steps! If that is not an obvious message from God, I don't know what is!

It's all working out. I'm leaving the timing of the 5 acres closing plus the sell of my home up to God. I need to get back to praying and trusting, as I've been a bit distracted lately. God is so good. He answers prayers and he fulfills all of His promises. I know it's not a 'name it and claim it' sort of thing, but He is here for you. Of course, your requests must be His will.

I've got more thoughts to this, but I'm so tired. I started too late in writing this. But, I figure, this story of faith is enough. God is so good and faithful.

I'm Still Here - Over a Month Since I've Blogged

2008-10-23T21:57:00.005-05:00

I've been either busy or too tired to blog. My goodness, it's been a long time since I was last here. Where do I begin?

Without getting into too much boring details, I've seen my new oncologist twice. He's Dr. T. He seems very smart, maybe a little arrogant, but way more polite than Dr. D. I don't have that sense of him being in a rush, on edge, and ready to jump down my throat like Dr. D was. He referred me to a neurologist, Dr. R. A friend went with me to that appointment yesterday. I liked him also. He confirmed my problem with my numbness etc. is from the T8 area and that it was most likely from a stroke in my spinal cord. He said that he really could not do much more for me other than the diagnosis part. He agreed that my next steps are to go to Rehabilitation.

I've already been in contact with one Spinal Cord Rehabilitation place. I need to do a bit more research on another place provided me and to check on my own whether there is any other places that can provide the type of rehab I need. One place (KU actually) sent me lots of information on bowel care for people with spinal cord problems. So, I need help with bowel care, some kind of PT and help with walking or leg strength, medication or ways to cope with leg muscle spasms and with the pain in my feet.

My MM (multiple myeloma) is still OK. The markers we watch are low enough not to require treatment, but they are rising. I'm just hoping that they go back down on their own. It seems to me that they went down on their own a time or two before, but I could be mistaken.

I'm just trying to come to terms with my discomfort, inability to function normally with bowel and urination, and of course...walking and getting around. As active and fit as I was before, I still can not believe "this is me!" I would never have thought I would have got cancer much less this spinal cord injury. The spinal cord injury is weird and I don't think common with MM. No one really knows what caused the stroke in my cord and really they don't know that a stroke occurred; they can only deduct this diagnosis by process of elimination of other tests.

In summary, my cancer seems to be lying low and I'm in the midst of trying to understand and handle my spinal cord injury. There's some questionable things in my labs, but nothing serious. For example, I continue to be low in potassium and anemic. I don't recall if I'm still low on iron.

I'm trying to work on my mental frame of mind. I want to be more positive, hopeful, and thankful. The funny thing is that I've had people come up to me and say, "You are so positive. How do you do it?" Some make that remark and add how my faith is such an inspiration to them. Some even say that "I" am an inspiration to them as they watch me go through this. I do not see this at all! I see others who get stricken with an illness who say they are thankful for each day. I heard Tony Snow say that each day was a blessing. It's not that I am not thankful for each new day, but I would rather God just take me and put me out of this misery and let me be with Him. I am not suicidal at all; I do not believe in that nor do I believe in whatever it is that Dr. Kevorkian (sp?) did. I just do not hold on to this world like other people seem to do. I suppose if I was living my dream I might hold on to this life a bit more, but I'm not living my dream. Besides that, I just look forward to Jesus.

So, I look forward to seeing Jesus, but I think I need to get a bit more content with being here. That will require having more trust and dependence on God and His purpose for me. His purpose for me is why I am still here and why I am going through this stuff. When I get close to Him, deep in the Word, and involved in my bible studies, I seem to do much better.

Speaking of bible studies, I attended my Tuesday and Thursday ones this week. I'm going to try to get back into these two studies again. I am not sure I'll be able to faithfully attend my Sunday group because of the timing and also because of my comfort level. But, I'm trying to get out there and get involved in the things that mean the most to me - and that I can still do. My difficulty walking plus my complications with some body functions limit what I can do, when, where, and for how long I can do it. But I'm trying to adjust and revamp myself. Attitude, it's all in my attitude. Working on that.

I'm Embarrassed and Full of It!

2008-09-14T09:06:00.002-05:00

I was so uncomfortable and having difficulty breathing that I decided to go on to the ER. My sister, niece, and son came along. I'm so thankful for the love and support. I'm so blessed to have them.

Anyway, my bloodpressure was 201/100+. The lower number was either 112 or 128...I'm thinking 128. I'm telling you, I really do feel bad! They gave me something to lower my BP. I think it was 140 something over 90 something by the time I left about 4.5 hours later.

They ordered a CT Scan, so had me drink some Crystal Light stuff with some dye in it. This is horrible stuff, but it lightens everything up I guess. It was worth it for me if it meant I'd find the answer to this pain! Usually with a CT scan they also inject you with some dye, but for people like me with Multiple Myeloma (and there's another condition, I forget), they do not inject the contrast. It's something about proteins, clogging up in the kidneys and shutting the kidneys down. They assured me they'd still see anything in my lower abdomen area if there was any type of obstruction. I felt confident in them, that they were being thorough.

Know what I had? Oh my gosh this is embarrassing... I have GAS!!!!! YUP! I made my family spend 4.5 hours in the emergency room on a rainy Saturday afternoon, for MY GAS! Family makes a good point, though. They said, 'aren't you glad it's just gas and not a big cancerous tumor or something bad?" And yes, I guess I'd rather have gas than that. But still, I feel bad.... Doris called me later that night to tell me a couple of "gas stories" of others who've gone to the ER with gas pain, saying it felt like they were having a heart attack or something.

It's just that I'm really not usually the "ER" type of person. When I had a kidney stone in 1997, I waited until I was near or into shock so bad that I didn't even remember leaving home. I guess I was blacking out. When I was first sick with MM (and didn't know it of course), I lay around 2 days with a high fever. Oh well. I am sure that having MM and the things I've gone through since it that I do probably jump to conclusions a bit faster when I have wierd sensations in my body. Then I think living out in the country with no neighbors, I do probably get a bit fixated on discomforts and then began to panic.

But now I have an answer that makes sense. Oh, and speaking of the answer. The ER doctor (whom we all liked very much) said that he thought I was creating my own problem with gas by taking the Senna, Colace, and Miralax (and whatever) every day. Well, that great Dr. D insisted I take that much in order to have a BM every day. I was only following her directions.

I need to try to go as natural a possible. Fiber. Fresh fruit and vegetables, and so on. This ER doctor said that if I ever feel constipated, to just get that Fleets Phosphorus (or whatever it is) which is a little bit of this nasty salty stuff, but it will clean you out in a few hours and give you relief. What I was doing was messing me up, is the thought.

I still have the stomach pressure so far, though at least my mind is more at ease. Evidently there is some nerve damage going on still because I'm having increased numbness and yucky in my legs and feet - and that strong sensation of "sitting on something." BUT...in my mind at least I know there is not a blockage.

The strange thing is, the xrays that my oncologist's people took showed I had "no gas, but poop throughout my intestines, not moving along." So of course she ordered me Lactulose (which was horrible because it gave me more bloat & gas than I already had). I started taking the Senna, Colace, and Miralax again and probably just blew myself up.

So here's the other part of the strange thing: The ER at the C-hospital I went to yesterday said the CT Scan showed that I was FULL of gas, ready to pop around the room like a balloon, but that I didn't have any poop. I still have to wonder if as much comes out that goes in, but how do you measure that?

OH isn't my entries interesting? I never meant them to go to bowelmovements and gas, but they could be political? That would be worse, don't you think? :)

I'm horribly uncomfortable in this body. It's frightening to think that I will have to learn to live with it, like this, and for how long? But, I have to realize it could always be worse, that it can get better with God's grace, doctor's help, and my own better judgment in what I eat and injest. I know there's people worse off than me.

I need to stop complaining. I've read of too many ill people who never complained of their ailments and even went the other direction in saying that 'they felt wonderful.' Look at Tony Snow! He kept saying how each day was a new day. There are other's like Tony that had wonderful attitudes in the midst of pain. I hope before my time that I am handling this much more gracefully, because I'm not now. I appreciate the understanding, acceptance, and patience that my family and friends have given me. It has to get old hearing my whine.

A part of me wants to describe my condition, but I want to get through it positively and successfully, then hope that if someone else goes through something similar, that my experience would give them strength. But how could it if I whine about this so much?

Well, kids are here for church. That's it. I've got gas. Sheesh.

Now for a Post on My Physical Condition

2008-09-11T19:47:00.002-05:00

OK, so the good news is that that spot has disappeared, though there is some scar tissue. But now my lower abdomen is so hard and swollen that I can hardly stand it.

Why does this always come to a head when a weekend is nearing? My luck, I'll be heading to the ER...noooooooo! I hope not!

It's too bad that I'm in the midst of a potential crisis now and I'm needing to change directions as far as which doctors to use. My oncologist has set me up to see two new GI doctors, but the earliest they got me in is 10/6. From past experience at KU, even if my doctor spoke with the GI doctors, it could be doubtful they'd get me in sooner. I've been through this before with the neurosurgeon trying to get me into an internal medicine doctor. They had to go outside of KU to get me into a doctor asap.

Well, hopefully tomorrow I'll have some relief. I have a feeling that I need to call my PCP and start moving that direction. Perhaps she can decide what tests to run to see what this abdominal thing is. I think the other doctors focused only on that "spot" at my T8 and blamed every symptom I had on spinal cord damage. I don't think this abdominal problem I'm having has to do with my T8. I don't know what it is, but there is "some thing" inside my abdomen, on the right side, that is putting pressure on my bladder, bowel, and hip. But the 64 million dollar question is, "what kind of test do they perform that will show what is going on?"

My oncologist is ordering a colonoscopy/endoscopy, but it won't be until well into October before that gets done.

I am so disappointed in doctors. I used to think so much of them, but not any more. I've never come across so many inadequate people in all my life. I'm sure they are overworked, but still, it's just not right.

More Education on The Sabbath

2008-09-11T19:30:00.002-05:00

I received the information below from a friend regarding my last entry, talking about my concerns about "The Sabbath" and what Scripture says about it. I've so much to learn and I know I'll never get to all of it...but I'm trying to educate myself as best I can. With that, my wise friend provided me with this information below. I feel compelled to share it since I was so opinionated in my previous entry as well as I quoted and interpretted from a book I'm currently reading. This book I'm reading, American in Prophecy, is not something I would believe, hook, line, and sinker--or however that saying goes. It just provides a perspective from a 7th Day Adventist. I am reading it for educational as well as just simple interest purposes. I do not know enough about the author or "religion" to even comment on integrity or factual consideration. It's just research.

I've not meant to make such a big deal of this, but since I already did in my last entry, I'm sort of stuck in having to re-address it now. Oh well, perhaps this is helpful to others - hopefully it won't be a stumbling block. I know, why don't you just join me in my journey to understand Scripture? How about that? :) Seriously, though, while God instructed us to keep holy the Sabbath, I don't think whether it's on a Saturday or Sunday is a heaven/hell thing. I'm simply just trying to understand things. I will try not to make this same mistake again...of spouting off something that I really don't know all that much about.

OK, here's what my friend provided me with:

I love that you always tackle the tough stuff! I have some Sabbath info for you to aid in your study.

There is no New Testament command to follow the Sabbath. The other nine commandments, however, are reinforced in the New Testament. At the Jerusalem Council, where the Apostles determined what customs Gentiles were to follow, the Sabbath is never mentioned.

That leaves Christians today with only the examples of what the Apostles did. Prior to the Catholic Church 'changing' the Sabbath day, the 1st Century Apostles and Christian gathered together on the first day of the week. Our sins were paid for on the first day of the week and Jesus only appeared after the cross on the first day of the week. That began our tradition of celebrating the Lord's Day on Sunday, the first day of the week, but not a Sabbath Day as in the Catholic Church.

I am always mindful of one thing Jesus did say, however, and that is that the Sabbath (rest, actually) was created for man and not that man was created for the Sabbath. I can gleam from that that we do need rest and while I understand....that it is not a Jewish Sabbath, I am careful to seek out times during the week when I can rest in our Lord. Most of the rules and regulations regarding the Sabbath were instituted by the Pharisees apart from the Law in rabbatical teaching. Those wouldn't apply to either the Jews or Gentiles, but our need for rest has not changed nor has our Lord, who provided us with the rest that we so dearly need.

My Burning Bush

2008-09-10T09:52:00.014-05:00

My faith has been tested, but it remains strong and solid. I'm learning that though these tests are difficult and leave me weary at times, they only strengthen me. One of my favorite verses below:

2Corinthians 12:10 That is why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships. persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NLT).

For the past month I have been praying particularly for a stronger and more pure faith. I have recognized that I needed to spend more time in prayer and in the Word. I've been trying. I no more prayed for this, sincerely, when Charlotte (Sister-in-Christ) called and suggested a bible study at my home last Saturday morning. Some of my favorite sisters attended: Charlotte, Janice, Chloe, and Denise. We read and discussed Esther. God answered my prayer and gave me Christian support, much needed. I was spiritually uplifted!

Then our church began a study "Love to Pray" and it began last Sunday night. For the first time in a long time I was able to attend a study. It was difficult but I managed. I can't guarantee I'll continue with these Sunday studies, but I will try. I have another option, another group of my Sisters-in-Christ who are doing the same study Tuesday afternoons. So, I have options.

Then, my sisters and niece have been so concerned, available, kind, and supportive for me. I am so appreciative and blessed to have them.

Adam and Stef have been doing their best with their busy lives and pressures to do all that they can. Phillip got my field brush hogged. Phillip called this morning telling me how he wanted to support me in getting into a duplex..now. My sister and her son just mentioned the same thing yesterday. Shelia sends me encouraging messages and prayers. Norma took the time to visit me last week. Shelby (my prayer child) saw me at the store yesterday and helped me load my groceries and took the basket away for me. Sisters from Big Creek contact me, pray for me, send me cards, invite me to bible study. They, too, have a bible study I hope to resume attending. Ron checks on my horses twice a week for me. Mary G. sends me encouraging words and Scripture that speaks Words directly from God. Other friends send me emails offering help (e.g. Judy). Old friends from Sprint write me to ask how I'm doing and letting me know they are thinking of me. My neighbor sends me treats and the kids come visit me on occasion---even a bore like me, they don't seem to mind!

But I still was waiting for a sign from God. I wanted a voice, something earthly that I could hear. I wanted a burning bush so that I would know, God answered my prayer. What kind of faith is that? It makes me feel a bit guilty when I feel that way.

But here is the exciting part: God gave me the burning bush I asked for.

This morning I thought I'd apply what I've learned after that first bible study on "Love to Pray" the other night. When I woke up at 7:00AM, I got my lazy rear out of bed and decided to give my morning to Him. I'd slept fairly good, too.

The first chapter of the book "Love to Pray" provides two suggestions when starting to pray:

Always start your prayers by asking the Holy Spirit to teach you what and how to pray.
As you begin to pray, pause in order to consciously recall that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit want what is best for you.

This first study explains that Prayer is the conversational part of the most important love relationship in our lives - our relationship with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Also, refer to Romans 8:26-27 explains prayer.

So, with all that in mind, I began my morning prayer this morning, in solitude and focus with my Lord. No FoxNews on in the background. I needed to be still, pause, and listen to my Father.

I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me what and how to pray. I began praising my Father. After a while I wrote down this request in my prayer journal. Next I opened my Crossings Daily Planner where I often write my daily Blessings and Prayers inside. There are scriptures for each day. I was led to Psalm 86. On my way to Psalm 86, Psalm 92 jumped out to me. In my NLT (New Living Translation) Life Application bible, there is a description for Psalm 92 saying, "A psalm. A song to be sung on the Sabbath Day." I thought this interesting because I've been struggling, just a bit, about "the Sabbath Day." Scripture has the Sabbath day as Saturday, but the Papacy changed it way back in time. "The accession of the Roman Church to power marked the beginning of the Dark Ages. As her power increased, the darkness deepened. Faith was transferred from Christ, the true foundation, to the pope of Rome. Instead of trusting in the Son of God for forgiveness of sins and for eternal salvation, the people looked to the pope, and to the priests and prelates to whome he delegated authority. They were taught that the pope was their earthly mediator, and that none could approach God except through him, and, further, that he stood in the place of God to them, and was therefore to be implicitly obeyed." [from America in Prophecy by E. G. White]. Anyway, I know that God knows my heart, so I'm not going to freak out about this, but my eyes are opening to the truth of Scripture and how in the very early days, a group of men stole and hid the true Scripture, not allowing the common man to read it. But the Scripture did exist in the monasteries or wherever and when men went there to study, many discoverd the truth and saw how these priests and popes made their own law (Cathecism/Catholicism). Thus...Marin Luther and others developed yet other religions, intending to go by Scripture and not by men's rules. People were tortured and killed if they went against it. But, many brave men did stand up for the truth in Scripture, and somehow we now have access to the true Scripture. Oh there is so much to this era that I don't know, but I've learned enough. I'm not saying Catholicism is all bad because there are people and even priests who know the truth. But this rise of papacy was the work of Satan. It turned people from Christ and to men for praise, worship, etc. The priests and popes of those times were financed through indulgences and they used them to dress in fancy garb and enjoy very pompous rituals and ceremoies...and dare I say, 'pagan practices' of idolizing statues. They enjoyed all the richness, which was so opposite how humble Jesus and his disciples walked and preached God's way. The papacy has put out so many mistruths, fooling its people. But, I believe God protects his people, and though some are under this umbrella, they somehow know Christ and serve only Him. I digress. My point here is that one of my current miner concerns was this Sabbath thing. By the way, it's the 7th Day Adventist that go by the Scriptural Sabbath. I don't know anything about 7th Day Adventist. I'm just researching history, that is all. I'm seeking truth and do not want to rely only on man, whether through conversation or books, to teach me truth. I want to research it all and test Scripture for truth. God is guiding my way.

So, what I'm saying is, I think this Psalm 92 is a start for my current concern. I will sing this Psalm on Saturdays as one of my ways of observing the Sabbath. I don't know what will come of this discovery going forward though. Scripture will guide me.

So, now, back to Psalm 86. The entire Psalm spoke to me, but particularly Verse 17, which is (in my NLT translation): "Send me a sign of your favor." I had just blatantly asked for a sign from God, if that be his will for me. I want to hear the voice, or have the thought put clearly in my head that I know comes from none other than God himself. I wanted a burning bush, by golly!

Side bar here: In my daily prayers in my Crossings Book, I often write my Blessings & Prayers each day. I wrote down thanks for my family, friends, Christian friends, and for this day.

So, back to my prayer time, I decided to read the commentary on Verse 17. Here it is:

It is right to pray for a sign of God's favor. As David found, it may be just what we need. But let us not overlook the signs he has already given: the support of family and friends, the fellowship of other Christians, the light of each new day. And we can be confident that he knows our situation no matter how desperate it becomes, and he cares.

BURNING BUSH! See how we can miss God's answer? We might think that we make things happen. We may think that things just happen coincidentally. We say it must be fate. No, nothing is by chance or coincidence. God is in control of all of it. He makes things happen and he allows things to happen, both good and bad. He uses all of it for a better purpose. We don't understand it, but he does. Look at OT history and you see. Pharoah's hardened heart brought the Israelites out of Egypt and closer to God, though they stumbled for 40 years.

My mom used to always say that something good comes out of something bad. That is God's work. If things were meant to be easy and no suffering, then what would our purpose be here on earth? There would be none. God gave us this test with choices. It's our choice whether we spend eternity with Him. He's giving us all the chances we can. It's His way and he gives us Scripture, which has survived without flaw all of these years, to know what he expects of us.

He tried to give us the easy way, remember Eden? Remember Adam & Eve? They had it easy and they had choices. They made a choice that put us under the curse now: away from the direct presence of God (Philipians 1:23). But the good news is that God sent His Son, Jesus, to die for our sins, giving us free salvation. We only need to accept Christ as our Savior. Repent for our sins and change our ways, and follow Christ.

Anyway, no, I did not hear a voice with my ears, nor did something come to my mind clearly, but I was led to Psalm 86 today. It held my exact question to God, and it held the answer I was looking for. I've learned that God speaks to us through His Word, through others (both believer and non-believer), through experiences, etc. You know it is God speaking to you when the message keeps coming back the same from the various sources. Well, that is how I got my answer, my burning bush.

First, things happened: my family & friends supported me in ways I needed (bible study, errands, taking me to numerous long doctor appointments, showing me love, etc.) In my heart I knew the answer because I wrote those things down that I was thankful for in my journal. Then I asked for an obvious sign. Then, I was directed directly to my exact request and the answer was that which had just happened. Every bit of it. WOW.

And finally, a little commentary on Heaven, from the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn:

"Earth has been damaged by our sin (Genesis 3:17). Therefore, the earth as it is now (under the Curse) is not our home. The world as it was, and as it will be, is our home. We have never known a world without sin, suffering, and death. Yet we yearn for such a life and such a world. When we see a roaring waterfall, beautiful flowers, a wild animal in its native habitat, or the joy in the eyes of our pets when they see us, we sense that this world is -- or at least was meant to be -- our home.

We are pilgrims in this life, not because our home will never be on Earth, but because our eternal home is not currently on Earth. It was and it will be, but it's not now.

Will the Eden we long for return? Will it be occupied by familiar, tangible, physical features and fully embodied people? The Bible clearly answers yes.

The biblical doctrine of the New Earth implies something startling: that if we want to know what the ultimate Heaven, our eternal home, will be like, the best place to start is by looking around us. We shouldn't close our eyes and try to imagtine the unimaginable. We should open our eyes, because the present Earth is as much a valid reference point for envisioning the New Earth as our present bodies are a valid reference point for envisioning our new bodies. After all we're living on the remnants of a perfect world, as the remnants of a perfect humanity. We shouldn't read into the New Earth anything that's wrong with this one, but can we not imagine what it wold be like to unhindered by disease and death? Can we not envision natural beauty untainted by destruction?

Oh, doesn't Heaven sound glorious? Doesn't it make sense that Heaven is not just clouds? Doesn't it make sense that Eden was how God designed Earth, but Adam & Eve's changed that? But we have hope....for a New Earth some day in new and resurrected bodies. God did not design us with these glimpses of Heaven on Earth, to just take them away when we die. No, God is giving us a glimpse of Heaven with all of the earthly gifts we have: pets, plants, tastes, art, music, everything beautiful and good. Oh, the New Earth in eternity will be joyous! Thank you, Jesus!

I sure hope to see all my loved ones there!

No Matter What, I'm Going To Appreciate All I Have

2008-09-08T23:45:00.003-05:00

No matter what I'm going through, my gosh there's so much to be thankful for, to be ecstatic over even! I have such loving and supportive family. I have such wonderful Sisters-in-Christ who truly look after me! Who could ask for more?

Today Doris brought me for my MRI. I asked for sedation this time. With this bloaty feeling in my stomach, I'm just too full feeling. MRI's can be claustophobic as it is, so since I had someone to drive me, I took advantage of some medicinal help. They gave me 10mg valium. Usually this type of stuff doesn't phase me, but this 10mg valium relaxed me much. I slept through much of the MRI.

I talked to Cindy (nurse) this morning. She needs to talk to the Marilyn (other nurse) before she knows the next steps for me, like whether I'm going to see another GI doctor and/or neurologist. She said the ultrasound showed I had a 'fatty liver' and she didn't think it had anything to do with this swelling in my stomach. If my liver is on the right side and that is where the swelling in, then I don't know what it is. Whatever, I am taking medicine that moves my bowels. I just think something is putting pressure there. My stomach obviously protrudes more on the right side, it's hard and even my pants that tie at the waist are stretched out. It's like I'm 7 to 9 months pregnant! Something is inside there, but what??? I think whatever it is, that is what is putting pressure down there in my "private part area." Is this too much information folks? Sorry.

As Doris and I walked out of the appointment today she said, "I feel like we're screaming and no one is listening." That hits the nail on the head perfectly. It's so frustrating.

But, I have such wonderful help now and they're going to help me find a good doctor. He or she doesn't even have to be the Multiple Myeloma expert, but just have some knowledge. I just want someone who cares and treats me with respect and keeps me comfortable.

I'm adjusting my attitude more. I'm coping more. I look so forward to getting this settled. Won't it be wonderful to just go to a nice polite doctor who actually listens and is not intimidating? Won't it be nice to even go to offices closer to home rather than driving down to KU Hospital? I mean, if the doctors were better, I'd put up with it, but it's become a burden with the distance and all that goes with it.

It's all going to work out. At bible study last night, I asked for prayers in guidance and discernment in finding the right doctors. I believe God will provide.

Same with the sell of my home and the place I'm to live. If I just be patient and truly trust in God and leave it up to Him, it will work out. It's when I try to take control that messes things up. There's lots to be thankful for right here. I need to appreciate the time I have left in this home. Who knows, maybe this is where I'll end up to the end. If so, there was a good reason for it. But you know what? Deep down I just yearn for one of those nice little two-bedroom duplexes in that senior community. I used to like the privacy of my porch and just seeing fields and no people. Now I yearn to see life, activity, and people. I look forward to sitting on one of those front patios, reading a book or visiting with a neighbor.

Oh, I accept whatever turns out. The Lord knows I have enough prayers coming my way.

Speaking of the Lord and prayer, I just started a new bible study. I've felt too bad to attend any of the bible studies I'd been going to. I'm going to do the best I can to get back into them. Our church is having a "church wide" study on "Love to Pray" by Alvin Vandergriend. It looks to be a good study. God the Father initiates prayer in us. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us. And Jesus, who searches our hearts, knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. So then the Father delivers and answers our prayers.

There were 16 people at the study last night. I was a bit worried as there were husbands and all. I'm a bit self-conscious in case I have to make a run to the bathroom, given my body functions. But, so far so good. I have such difficulty getting around, so not sure I'll make it to all the meetings. Going to different houses and maneuvering around is difficult, then with 16 people...but we will see. This group started out with I think 6 of us. I am used to the husbands and feel fairly comfortable. Then it grew to 10 of us. With this study I think we have extra people now, and that is wonderful. It's just that with my failing body functions, I just am not real comfortable around others. We'll see. The ladies have offered to come to my house one a month on a Saturday. I hate for them to sacrifice their Saturday....just for me. But, they are being servants of the Lord and if that is their calling, I should not block it. Let the Lord abide.

Funny, I prayed for strength and the Lord gave it to me through my Sisters-in-Christ.

There's two other bible studies I used to attend in the afternoon and they are all women. Wonderful women and also very supportive and such true believers. I've had weeks full of doctor appointments or I've felt bad, so I just have not gone. I need to push myself. The company of my Sisters-in-Christ is important. I cringe when I think "wonder if I never met these ladies in my life?" They have inspired me so very much.

When Doris dropped me off home today, I felt so rejuvenated. I have not felt that in a long time. I actually cooked a real dinner tonight. I can't think of the last time I did that. God is giving me the strength I've prayed for. God is so good.

Faith Strengthening, That's What I'm Talking About!

2008-09-06T20:29:00.002-05:00

Today was wonderful, absolutely wonderful!

As I indicated in my last entry, I have felt a bit down. I have not felt good physically at all and then trying to do things on my own has been very taxing. Though I have lots of offers for help and accept it many a time, it's humbling and hard to see others sacrifice to help me.

It's been difficult getting to my doctor's appointments for the last three months. Then once I got there I encountered really poor care from both doctors and nurses. I've tried to accept and really like my current oncologist, Dr. Deauna. I do think she is good, I really do. I think there's a combination of a cultural thing and perhaps a female in a man's world type of thing going on with her. Then top that off with maybe her bedside manner just leaves a lot to be desired. I heard that she really cares for her patients. I believe that.

All that said, I just don't think I can tolerate her. She got off on some defensive tangent the other day when my niece and sister were with me. They witnessed it. My niece said she lost a lot of respect for her right then and there, though my niece does think she's good (e.g. smart). Both Doris and Alisa agreed that she was good and liked some things about her, but they both just about lost it when they saw how unprofessional, defensive, and rude she was to me. I really don't know what happened, but she somehow seemed to think I was accusing her of not acting upon all my symptoms. I don't even know where she got that impression, nor does Doris or Alisa. She got sarcastic and was saying that 'she's already went through all this stuff with me and now she has to take the time to re-review it again with me.' She'd been asking me what symptoms changed since the last time I saw her. She moves fast and puts words in your mouth.

I can't really describe the experience the other day other than Dr. D showed her true colors, what I saw in the beginning but tried so hard to overlook. I had witnesses to it who agree that I should not have to put up with it.

My plans? I'm changing doctors. It's tough when you have MM because there's just not many specialists in this rare disease. But there are some specialists here in KC and I am willing to change. So what if they don't have the intense background Dr. D has, they will treat me more compassionately, assuming our personalities click. If I have to go back to my original doctor, I will. He handles MM plus other cancers. He's pretty busy and one thing I do fear is that he doesn't have the good nurse working for him he used to, but still, he was compassionate. But, there's a doctor under the same umbrella who is closer to home and supposedly specializes in MM. I'm not sure what his personality is like. It may not be a lot better than Dr. D, but I think I've had it with her. Just having others back me up with my impression of how she treats me helps me come to this decision.

It's sort of scary yet, because what if I experience neglect or something similar from the new doctor I go to? It's tough getting sick with any chronic illness, and when it's a rare cancer such as MM, you are really in a pickle.

I just want to be treated with respect. I want to be able to breathe and have bowel movements. Is that too much to ask?

It's tough now due to my spinal cord damage. This will make it hard changing doctors and treatment, but with the help of my family, we'll handle it. I'm so blessed that my niece is a nurse and Monday begins working at a hospital in Independence, Missouri. She's going to do some research for me. Alisa knows all about my cancer and my spinal cord and my liver issues going on, so she will help me get a plan.

Thank you, Lord, for a loving and supportive family. And while I'm thanking you for them, thank you for my Sisters-in-Christ!

Today my sisters from church came over here for a bible study. They know I have a hard time and have been needing spiritual support, so Charlotte planned this study at my house. There was four of them that came over and we read Esther. We planned on reading the entire book of about 10 chapters, but we only got to chapter 3, but with lots of good discussion. We spent the last 30-45 minutes in prayer. These sisters are the greatest prayer warriors. You actually feel God's presence; they are so faithful. They brought so much encouragement and enrichment in my faith and spirit. I've needed that. I've needed them.

I am so thankful that God led me to the church I go to and the friends I've made there. These people are true faithful believers who walk the talk. They are sincere Christ-warriors. Unless you're a person of strong faith, you may not relate, but there's something about being able to talk about your love for God and your faith that is so exciting and fulfilling. And it sure is uplifting when you're going through tough times, as they lead you to scripture that gives you the Word from God in how to survive and thrive.

So, I started out this day with a 10:00AM bible study lasting til about 1:00PM. Charlotte brought a delicious brunch of quiche, muffins, and a fruit salad in a yummy sweet sauce of cream cheese, sour cream, brown sugar, honey, and vanilla. I made tea and coffee. We ate and visited, then began reading Esther. We closed in a wonderful prayer time; it was moving.

After my friends left, I loaded my car with my recycling. I dropped it off and then went to my neice's for a "purse party." I visited my neices and sister, didn't buy any purses though. Then I came home, changed the kitty litter, watched the FoxNews special on Sarah Palin, and now I'm relaxing in bed.

Gosh my feet and legs hurt. Nerve damage is tough stuff. I don't know what you can do besides drug yourself up. I know of someone whose daughter had something similar in her feet. She had to take such high doses of Lyrica that she slept all of the time. I hope it doesn't come to that. I will have to find a balance.

Thinking of how I'm going to get the right treatment from the right doctors is sort of discouraging, even though I started out this entry feeling more positive. It's quite a daunting task finding a good doctor with hopefully a good nurse and office support, then hope they accept your insurance, then hope they can handle all of the different tangents your illness takes you through.

But, how can I forget? That's where I turn it over to God to handle. Of course. I can't handle it. This is a job for God. I turn this over to Him, to direct me to the right doctors and nurses for my future care. Thank you, Jesus. When will I remember that you can handle everything and that I just need to hand it over to you? Thank you for your everlasting and faithful love for me, even when I forget you. You stay true to me, waiting for me to call upon you for your help. You say anything asked in your name, I will receive. Now I know that doesn't mean life will be perfect and that I will get everything I ask for, because you know what you have in mind for me. I do know that you want what is best for me, even if it means letting me handle a few trials and tribulations here on earth. That through these trials you allow me to be refined, to be humbled, to depend on you, to be useful to others, perhaps leading others to you -- things that you will reward me for and tell me, "well done, my faithful servant." I so want to hear those words from you when we meet.

Today during bible study, when I confessed to my friends that I sometimes have difficult times feeling doubts and fears in my faith. My friends said that it's hard since I don't have a partner to lean on, to give me support and pounce things off of. Ya know, that is so true. I don't have a day-to-day partner for support both mental and physical. But more so, I don't have a partner for daily spiritual support. So, I suppose it does make it a bit more difficult at times to remain spiritually strong 24/7. But then, they gave me a wonderful suggestion. They told me to write down some of the instances where God pulled through for me. Write down some of my favorite Scriptures that give me strength. I do have an index booklet of various favorite versus, but I don't have one place with the times God pulled through for me in a big and obvious way. so that I will have to do.

Right off I recall going through a very difficult time with my manager. Being the sole money earner and by myself, it freaked me out having a manager whom detested me. One morning on my way to work I just prayer for her and gave her to God to handle. I told him that I was turning this whole situation over to Him to handle, that I could not. He sure handled it, too. It ended up that I changed this manager. We were never best friends, but I later heard that she told someone, through tears, that she was finding a lot of things out about herself that she needed to change. She ended up hugging me and telling me, "I just love you." This manager was not a warm and fuzzy type, not the touchy feely type, so for her to not only hug me but to say those words, well, it was nothing short of a "God thing." I had another episode with another Director and it turned out better. Another God thing. Sprint just had some very challenging managers, what can I say?

Another time God helped me was in early 2007 when I found out that not only had I been overpaid over $6000 from an insurance company, but I was no longer going to receive the $1041 I had been receiving. Now, who can within the next 30 days suddenly adjust their budget with that much less money? I sure couldn't. I was so panicked that I had to turn it over to God. I just said, "it's yours." I knew he'd take care of me no matter if I lost my home and everything. He had some things just fall into my reach to look into and it panned out. I was able to refinance my home, and that was in itself a miracle as I live in a 30+ year old modular home. They're not easy to find financing for. My credit is not the best, I'm on disability and I can go on. But...I got this place refinanced which saved me keepiong my home. I recall one weekend when the finance rep said we had problems in 2 areas. I did what I could do, but we were waiting on something. That weekend I visualized my paperwork on someone's desk and God working on it. I pictured God turning any "no's" to "yes's". Guess what? It went through. God took care of it and it was nothing short of that.

There are other things God has come through for me. I'm going to get a little table of some sort with these sorts of examples so I can refer back to them during my low and fearful times.

Thank the Lord for the shining light my sisters-in-Christ have been to me. I hope to start attending my bible studies again, though it's going to be tough. I'm so tired. I'll do what I can, but I know it's good for me, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Back At Square One, But Ready To Circle

2008-09-05T22:53:00.003-05:00

I've been waiting to blog in hopes of having some kind of definitive information as to what is going on with me and the outlook. Then, I've been tired and busy, too. I've been sort of down, too, so that's also kept me from blogging.

But, here I am. This journey is the toughest journey I've ever been on. Having a terminal cancer is the easy part. It's the physical discomfort, the finances, and the beginning to have to rely on others for many things that makes it so very difficult.

But, I know where I want to go. In the end, I hope to see me settled in a nice clean 2 bedroom duplex, hopefully in this one area I've spotted. It's a senior community. Most people are old and sickly but keep up on one another. A lady from my church lives there. She told me there are two older gentlemen that they have open their doors every day so that they know they're OK. They have 2 bedrooms, 1-1/2 bathrooms. The half-bath has a washer/dryer in it. The kitchen opens up to the front room and is real nice. There's a garage. It's flat getting in the front door so if I get a wheel chair it will be perfect. There's a cute front patio for my table umbrella. If I had a complaint it'd be only that there's not a back door. But I just love these places. The block of these homes feels like you're in Florida from the way the older folks have them decorated on the outside Some porch decorations are a bit gaudy, but still nice.

I see my self there, and hopefully with my home and/or land sold, so that I'm out from under debt. I think I will be more apt to sit outside on the patio and read or visit others. I stay inside here and admittedly, I get depressed and lonely. My place is too cluttered right now, too, which does not help. In the next month I hope to be getting rid of stuff for a garage sell or to my children. Cleaning up this place will help in the interim at least.

But seeing myself settled in a duplex will give me such peace of mind, but not only that, I think it will give me more incentive to live life more fully for what I have left. I think I'll be more positive and hopeful. The duplex is light and simple with easy access. It'll be closer to my sister and neice who are home most often. I think I will feel safer being closer to them plus having other friendly people right next door to me.

What I really look forward to, though, is increasing my faith and spiritual growth and living. I want to eliminate all these distractions and worries, simplify and have the ability to just focus the rest of my life on getting closer to Jesus..and maybe even being a better witness to others. I will be more apt to get involved with my bible study groups again.

I think the older anyone gets, the more seriously we all get regarding our spirituality and eternity. You either believe in an afterlife or you don't. Then, you either believe in God or you don't. Then, even deeper, you either believe in Jesus Christ or you don't. My prayer for the 10 years I was not attending any church was that my boys would both know Christ. Thank the good Lord, they and their wives have a personal relationship with the Lord. They also know the difference between the truth and false teachings.

How did I know to pray for that, for my boys to know Christ? I guess I've always prayed straight to God. I know I prayed to God in grade school. My religion back then encouraged us to pray to Mary and to others. Because I was told to, I tried it, but it never felt right. No wonder nothing came of it. I just instinctively prayed and talked to God. That was the only time I felt like my prayers were being heard. Plus, my mother prayed to God. Her saying was, 'not my will, but thine will be done.' Somehow my mom focused on only Jesus. I hope dad did, too. I think he did. I never heard him talk about anyone else in the sense of worshiping anyone but God. I hope that is so because I hope they are with God now.

Scripture is very clear about not praying to anyone but God. When angels appeared before the disciples or anyone and that person bowed down to that angel in awe, that angel of God clearly told those people to stand back up and to never bow down, pray or praise anyone but the Lord!! It is very clear what Scripture says about that. Pagans worshiped statues and idols. That is what got the Israelites in trouble every time: worshipping man-made idols. It's one of the commandments not to put false-gods before Him.

Gosh it's interesting though somewhat disturbing learning all of this. But better later than never I guess. I just hope to enlighten, influence, or at the very least encourage those I love to do their own research in site of finding the truth. That is all I can do, and then pray.

I've been researching this stuff for some time, though, way before I got sick. I think because I've always taken my faith very seriously. My mother had a close relationship with Jesus Christ. So, I did have that influence, thank the Lord. This religion I was raised in has been referred to on occasion as 'cultish.' There are many of this faith that actually say, "once a xxx, always a xxx." They actually believe that!! They don't see how cultish it is to say that. Raised inside this religion, I now see how many falsehoods we were taught. They have this falsehood that they are the first and one true religion. If these people would ever really study the history of how Christianity started, and from a variety of sources in order to get all sides, they could not help but open their eyes to the truth.

So this is something that is heavy on my heart. I must pray, be an example, and learn as much as I can as quickly as I can. Please help me Lord, know how to handle this.

Lane In His Hospital Gown

2008-08-14T23:17:00.003-05:00

As promised, here's little Lane just before his circumcision at 6 months old. Doesn't he look cute with the little ties in the back?

Daddy says that he was reaching for everything. He's finally figured out he can grab, touch, and feel things and bring them to his mouth. He's at that touchy/feely stage. He's just prescious.

I'm so in love with this little guy. He's perfect.

I love you forever and always, Lane!! xoxoxo

Your silly Grandma

Tough Times

2008-08-13T23:42:00.004-05:00

I've been either too busy, too tired, or too uncomfortable and down, which made me not want to share any of the aforementioned moods on this blog. I didn't want to complain or alarm anyone. I still do not want to complain or alarm anyone. I'm just going through the motions, I think.

It's important to express that I feel like I'm getting through this. I don't know if it's realistic to say I will every feel good. I believe that it's more realistic to say that I need to find strength and acceptance of the physical ailments that are becoming very much a part of me and my life. The problem is that I'm in the midst of marked changes in my physical abilities and discomforts.

One thing that I'm considering very seriously is that once this place sells, I may have to go into some sort of assisted living. I'm talking about a place that does my laundry and does much of my daily activities. I'll have to see where I'm at when this place sells and consider whether I'm failing. If I stabilize before this place sells, I can consider that. However, if it appears I'm going to continue to fail physically, then I need to think about going to a place that will have the ability to take care of my needs. My sister offered me to live with her, but I would not have my privacy, and she knows I need my privacy.

I will have to give up some of the things that I think are "needs." Privacy really isn't a need, but more a "desire" I'd say. I think that while sis thinks she would like to take me in, I think it would be too much for her We'll see. Time will tell and give us both time to think this out.

Since I last wrote, I'm basically about here: The neurologist believes what is going on with me is the cancer and not radiation damage to my spinal cord. The end result is the same: spinal cord damage. The cancer is causing the damage to my spinal cord.

The neurologist (Dr. H) has scheduled another LP (lumbar puncture) 8/29/08 to test for cancer in my spinal fluid. She wants to start me back on steroids (Dexamethasone) again to reduce the swelling that the Lyrica and possibly the Baclofen are causing. The Baclofen is working on the 'stiffness' in my legs and I guess the 'muscle spasms' I have. [I need to ask her what is causing the spasms and stiffness exactly. It's there, but I just don't understand the 'cause.'] The Dex may also help with my energy level as well as kill the cancer. The Baclofen makes me tired and drugged feeling. Dr. H is increasing the Baclofen dosage also.

Dr. H is just trying to find a good recipe of medications for me to feel comfortable. I asked her whether anyone else has to deal with these symptoms, realizing that I'm not the only one to have to deal with these discomforts. She said that individuals with multiple slerosis have similar sensations.

The urologist read the results of the various tests they performed and he didn't see any obstructions causing my problems. It's just nerve damage or whatever is going on in my spine. I still need to self-catheter. If this becomes a problem in the future, I'll have to have surgery to restructure my urinary tract. Probably something like a nephrostomy (sp?) where you have a pee-bag coming out of your body somewhere. I'm hoping I can continue to self-catheter, but I suppose if I get real sick, someone else would have to do it for me....OR...do the surgery then.

I will have a follow-up with the GI doctor but I don't think there's anything there, at least for now anyway. I think as long as I keep up with the stool softeners, stimulants, and then every once in a while more aggressive stimulants, I'm OK.

Bottom-line, my elimination process is now complicated and doesn't look to be getting any better. As long as I can handle them as they are, fine. But if I get too sick and helpless, then I'd probably need surgery for both of them, like a colostomy (sp?) and nephrostomy (sp?). I'm not sure if I'm using the correct terms, but I may need to have those bags for "both" eliminations.

Then, my living situation is up in the air. This place needs to sell. Depending on how I can take care of myself will stipulate what kind of place I move into, for example assisted living. One day at a time I suppose.

I made it to church last Sunday and was so glad that I did. I love my church. It's the best.

I've realized that I need to get in the Word more lately. I have been distracted and away from Him lately due to being so tired. Here's just a few verses that have come to my attention lately in my quiet time.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Comments: 12:7 Thorn means "splinter," "stake," or "something pointed." Flesh can refer to the body or the sinful nature. Three basic suggested interpretations of the thorn are as follows: (1) If flesh is a reference to the body, then it is a physical ailment like an earache, headache, eye trouble, epilepsy, or recurrent fever. (2) If flesh is a reference to the fallen nature, then the thorn could be a temptation. (3) If the expression is figurative, it could refer to persecution or opposition. Most commentators interpret it a physical ailmment. Many suggest that it was eye trouble, on the basis of Gal. 4-15. messenger of Satan: God permitted Satan to afflict Paul as He did Job (see Job 1;2). Buffet means "to strike with the fist" (see Matt. 26:67). Paul's thorn was a painful, humiliating experience given to prevent pride. 12:9 infirmities...power: When believers are without strength and look to the Lord (v.8), He provides power by His grace. 12.10 Paul not only boasted about his weaknesses (v.9), he said I take pleasure, a word meaning "to think good," "to be well-pleased" in them. In Paul's weaknesses, Christ's power was made more apparent to others. It would bring praise to the only One who deserved it.

2 Chronicles 16:12 And in the thirty-inth year of his reign, Asa became diseased in his feet, and his malady was severe; yet in his disease he did not seek the Lord, but the physicians. Comments: diseased in his feet: Asa may have been suffering from gout, a common disease in the ancient world. For his malady Asa did not seek the Lord, but the physicians. The problem was not that Asa used doctors, but that he failed to turn to God during his sickness.

These verses have stuck out to me in my bible study & quiet time lately. First, this discomfort I'm feeling is bringing me closer to God. When it says, "For when I'm weak I am strong," it really says something to me. I do turn to God more when I'm feeling weak, and then I feel stronger. Why does it always take a difficult time to really humble me & make me turn to the Lord??? I hate it when I take Him for granted while I'm doing OK. Then, in 2 Chronicles 16:12, I need to ask God for strength--not only for healing, but for the strength to endure the struggle. That's what Job did. Job never asked for God to lift the burden, he only sought strength to endure it. Paul asked God to remove the "thorn" 3 times [in 2 Corinthian], but God let Paul know that by having the thorn, it kept him humble & focused on God. In 2 Chronicles we see that Asa didn't even seek God's help, he sought only worldly help: from doctors. While it's OK to seek help from doctors, I must also remember to seek God's help, to ask for strength to accept God's will, not just healing. It's OK to ask for healing, but I think strength & courage would be more in line with what God desires.

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I'll have to load some precious photo's of Lane. I have the cutest one when he had his circumcision operation last week. He had on this little hospital gown and it looked so cute. His little cheek was red from leaning on daddy's shoulder & you could see the back ties of the gown. It was soooooo precious! Now he has a "perfect peepee." Heeee.

It's A New Day

2008-07-29T21:58:00.003-05:00

I found I felt so much better today, both physically and emotionally. Physically I still hurt and am very uncomfortable, but I tolerated it better today. I do need to get back into daily exercise. Somewhere along the way I stopped; probably because I was feeling so rotten and sleeping so much.

But today was so much better. I think I'm adjusting to the new meds, Lyrica and Baclofen.

I liked the GI doctor I saw today. He doesn't feel I'm loosing blood. He's going to have me retake the Capsule Endoscopy (the capsule malfunctioned on the previous one I took on 2/25/08). He's also having me take some stool samples to ensure I'm not losing blood there. What fun.

He wants to have a follow-up visit in about three weeks.

I'm just glad that I felt better about lots of things...today. It's a New Day.

Neurologist Appointment & New Hair Cut

2008-07-28T23:18:00.004-05:00

I saw Dr. Hammond last week. She doesn't think the spot on my back is from a stroke in my spinal chord. She thinks it's either the cancer or is delayed damage from the radiation. She said it might be good to have another LP (lumbar puncture). I see her in 3 weeks. She also put me on Baclofen. It's to help prevent those muslce spasms in my legs. They're miserable feeling.

The Lyrica I started a few weeks ago has made me so sleepy where I literally sleep most of the day. I get up to let the dogs out, shower, go to the bathroom, and that's about it. I'm so sleepy. Now the Baclofen also makes me tired. But after a while I think you get used to the meds and they're not so tiring. I think I'll be doing a lot of sleeping the next few weeks.

Once I sell this place and get into a place with less maintenance and more fitting to my condition, I will be so thrilled. My physical discomfort and pain get a bit challenging at times, but perhaps the new meds will help.

Which reminds me, I need to read up on Medicare A & B. I do not understand it all. I do have a secondary insurance. I got a notice today that I'd reached my Medicare B deductible. I don't know what that means, as I have not paid for anything. I think my secondary insurance may be picking up lots of stuff. I do owe a $250 co-pay and another $80.99 - but I don't understand for what and why. I need to read this stuff. I sure wish I had someone else to do it :) -- but I don't so I'll have to suck it up and read.

I got a hair cut the other day. The sides need to grow out some yet to be in the form of the true cut, but Marsha (stylist) did a super job with what she had to work with, I thought.

I think (and hope) once I get adjusted to these meds I'll start accomplishing things around here and feel a bit better. When I go to bed I try to meditate that I am healing, that God is healing me -- then I realize how sore I am and I loose focus!! :))) But I will continue to meditate on God healing me.

I pray this place sells soon but then there's the dilemma of my pets. I must keep the faith and believing that God will handle it all. It's when I try to take it into my own hands that it gets messed up.

I'm hoping to get lots of reading done. I've got several books I've had for several years and I look forward to completing them! I've got at least three of Ann Coulter's books, a book by Sean Hannity, and other political books plus I have some fun ones.

Plugging Along

2008-07-18T23:26:00.003-05:00

If I don't get my other blog situated as I intend, it's going to drive me nuts! I need to create some charts and things to track my lab numbers. I've so many other detailed things to do and it's difficult for me to get motivated. Once I do, I'll get it done in one swoop. It's just one of those things where it takes a lot of set up. Who knows, I may end up with something real simple. At this stage in the game, I'm going to have to ask the nurse to fax me the information, as I didn't get it when I was there. My other blog is supposed to be full of more facts. This one is supposed to contain my health information, but if I want to go off on a spiritual or other type of rant, I'd rather have a separate blog for that type of thing, and not my healthblog.

I got my hair cut the other day. I may post some pics later.

I got to the barn yesterday and was able to fill a trough with water, spray some of the horses, feed them some grain (for fun), toss out some hay flakes, give them so treats (for fun), and give them some hugs and kisses (for fun). I'm up for a very traumatic good-bye when the time comes that I have to part with the Arabs.

I saw my new Family Care Physician today. She x-rayed my abdomen and thinks my bowels look fine. She said we'd see what the GI doctor wants to do about my sluggishness, but that I don't appear to be stopped up. She said it was OK for me to take the Miralax every day.

I was able to run several errands today, but I sure am having a difficult time walking. I still have a hard time remembering I can use the handicap parking place. Oh, I never don't use one, it's just that I'm already in the parking lot before I suddenly remember to look for an available handicap space. They are so convenient.

Dr. P. today said that I was on a very low dose of Lyrica for my neuropathy. I may ask the nurse to ask Dr. P if I can increase my dosage. I wouldn't mind a little more relief for my feet sensation.

Next appointments so far, unless the doctors arrange for further testing...which I suspect will happen:
7/23: neurologist
7/29: GI doctor
8/6: urologist
8/28: lab
9/4: oncologist

I truly am doing OK considering all that is going on. I somehow find great peace in my trust and faith in God. But I just don't have and never have had that wonderful "Tony Snow" attitude. Tony was the former White House Press Secretary who died just last week of colon cancer. He had the most positive and wonderful attitude. People tell me all of the time how inspiring I am to them and how wonderful my attitude is. I feel so unworthy of those compliments. I am no "Tony Snow". Until I can never complain one bit and that I can have that ear-to-ear smile every day like he did, I don't deserve those compliments.

I think what got to me more than anything, from what people said about Tony Snow. Several people said that he never said a bad thing about others . Even if I stopped today and never said a bad word about others, that can not be said about me when I die, because I've already done it. It doesn't sound right if they say, "Well, Cindy used to say bad things about others, but as of July 18th, she never said a bad word about others." I suppose it would be better than not having anything good to say! But it does make me reflect more about how I present myself.

I know my heart; I truly am a softy when it gets right down to it. But I sure use my tongue in unflattering ways. In a bible study we talked about what comes out of your tongue is what is in your heart. There's a bible verse that says that, I wish I could remember it...I will see if I can find my notes from that study.

But how true that is: what comes from our mouths is simply what is in our hearts . There's no way around that.

I'm finding myself having miner irritations lately. I don't know if I'm that much more physically uncomfortable, so I've become more grouchy and not giving others enough consideration. I find that when I don't feel good, I do get this way. Migraines mellow me out, but the other sort of pain and discomfort makes me grouchy. What is bad is that I don't realize I'm grouchy until I recognize that my thought process has changed and I'm having negative thoughts. I guess I do catch myself, usually anyway. I begin to get in the Word more. I'm at that point.

I intend to work harder, to try to humble myself more, to get back into the Word more. Gosh I wish I had the faith and guidance I have now...back when.

2008-07-11T09:01:00.002-05:00

I've had people praying very hard for me. Last Sunday certain individuals prayed over me and annointed me with oil. I've been thinking that I need to think really positive. Well, I've been thinking positive about things, but I mean believing and expecting for healing.

I believe God has a plan for me, and it might be allowing this illness to take me soon plus perhaps suffer physically on my way out of here. What good in that? The purpose may be only within me; making me focus only on God for my strength. When Paul had his thorn in his side, it kept him humbled and focused only on God. So, I think that could be God's simple purpose for me. This trial may just increase my faith.

Or, it may do something similar to others. It may even make others enjoy their lives more or change their priorities. Or perhaps another will face a trial and recall how I survived it.

So, even if I don't receive healing, I don't doubt that God has a good purpose in all this.

However, I want to believe in healing. God can do anything he wants. Here is a devotional for today that I found very fitting:

All Things Are Possible
Today's Scripture
"What is impossible with men is possible with God" (Luke 18:27).

Is there a situation in your life today that seems impossible? As a child of the Most High God, you are not limited by what you see. You are not limited by your circumstances, the economy, or what others say because with God all things are possible! It doesn't matter how it may look in the natural, when you see things through your eyes of faith, you will see new possibilities. You will see the answer that is on its way!

It all starts by having a grateful attitude: an attitude of faith and expectancy. When you declare the promises of God over your life and meditate on His Word, it activates faith in your heart. Faith draws the good things of God into your life. When you wake up every morning, declare that with God all things are possible. Declare that you are blessed and you cannot be cursed. Declare that you are above only and not beneath. Expect God's favor and blessing in your life every day. As you do, you will see Him move on your behalf, and you'll see new levels of possibility in every area of your life!

A Prayer for Today
Father in heaven, thank You for making a way where there seems to be no way. I choose an attitude of faith and expectancy today. Work in my heart and life that I may be a living testimony of Your goodness to those around me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

I thought today's message from Joel & Victoria Osteen was very fitting to how I've been feeling.

Good News, Bad News, But Could Be Worse

2008-07-04T18:24:00.003-05:00

My MM is in check. The steroids, I believe, did some good in that they reduced swelling in my back and they lowered my M-spike. That's the good news.

The bad news is that while my latest MRI showed some reduced swelling, that spot is still there. That spot is still there and it is dead nerve cells. This numbness/tingling/weakness is permanent.

I'm low on iron, so losing blood somewhere. I've had an endoscopy & colonoscopy and it all looks good. Then I had the GI capsule where you swallow a pill and it takes pictures, etc. It malfunctioned and so far we haven't repeated that test. I had an iron absorption test and I absorb iron just fine. My doctor is having me see a GI doctor. I wonder what kind of torture they can put one through? I sure hope I don't have any other disgusting things to do through.

As of yesterday, I must self-catheterize three times a day. I've done it 4 times, well, really successfully three times. I had the wrong place, uh hum, once, but didn't realize it. Hey, I never had an anatomy class. This is new stuff to me. But, I'm getting the hang of it. I have no choice.

Still working on the bowels. I'm going to get some Senna tea and also make this other concoction up that has prunes, raisins, figs, lemon juice, brown sugar, and senna tea. It's a paste and you can put it in the freezer. It supposedly lasts forever in the freezer and makes you doodoo. We'll see. Oh, and just drinking Senna tea may help.

I have a test procedure Monday on my bladder. I understand it's uncomfortable and the whole thing will take about 2 hours. They put a catheter in, fill our bladder to the brim, and observe how you empty. I hear they have you stand up, sit down, and I guess all sorts of fun.

I told the doctor about how I couldn't handle the Neurontin (Gabapentin). It's for neuropathy. She prescribed Lyrica. I think I like it. I have two a day, I think she is starting me out on 50mg, two times a day. I took one last night and let me say I slept better than I have in a long time. This morning I felt a bit dizzy upon rising. I was thinking about running errands later in the day so decided I would not take the morning pill. I decided against running errands today anyway. But, I think I will take just one Lyrica a day for at least the first 3 days, perhaps 5, then I'll graduate to the two a day. So far, though, I think it's going to be good. I think it helps you deal with the pain and tingling in your feet better. I am looking forward to taking the pill in the next 30 minutes, my 7:00pm pill taking. I have set-times I take my meds and supplements. It's a pretty complicated schedule. :)

I enjoyed a day of just staying home. It's beautiful outside, but I didn't enjoy it. I have the door open, though. The firecrackers are bothering my dogs big time. They sound more like bombs and one even shook my house. But, there's only been a few of them. Tonight I imagine there'll be beautiful fireworks. I usually can see several from my yard, but I don't feel like being outside in the dark. It's no fun when you can't walk very well, anyway. I'll have "fun" in the comfort of my bed, watching something good on TV or reading a good book. Of course, I'm sure there's be the explosions outside.....oh well.

Off to a peaceful evening for the 4th of July, 2008. God Bless America.

Back To Church..First in Over a Month!!

2008-06-29T18:45:00.002-05:00

Oh it was so good to be back at church. I hope I can continue. If it were not for Stefanie (dil) wanting to go, I may not have gone. No, I would not have gone by myself. Adam mowed while Stefanie, Lane, and I went to church. I received lots of hugs and warm hello's from my church family. I love my minister & church family. It was a wonderful sermon. Our minister is so true to the Word. Ohhhh, it was sooooo good a sermon, too. It touched many people.

Stef & I had a great visit. Lane slept on me and there's something about holding a little baby and having their heart beating against your own. Heaven. I love Lane's little smell. Stef had this cute little sailor outfit I'd gotten him. He was so handsome.

When Adam was done mowing, he showered, and we visited a bit more. They were going over to Stef's brother & his wife's house for dinner. It was a dinner that included Stef's family. Adam & Stef invited me several times, but I just don't feel like being away from home. I'm just not physically comfortable. The funny thing, though, they kept saying "Jeremy and xxx" and I must have stopped listening or something because I never heard them mention Jeremy's wife, Tiffany, in which I know they said her name..but I must have stopped listening..assuming they were talking about this friend named "Jeremy" that Adam works with and his wife. I think I thought that because they do spend lots of time with this other couple, "Jeremy and xxxx", they have recently, so I just assumed they were talking about this other couple. I thought it was funny they were inviting me to dinner at this other couple's house because I don't really know this couple. I know Jeremy (Stef's brother) and his wife, Tif, though! GOSH this was funny. It wasn't until as they were loading up to leave that I realized it was "family" they were going over to eat with!

I probably still would not have gone, just because of the way I feel...or don't feel. But I would like to have gone in that not only would I'd seen their family, Jeremy & Tif have a new little baby, Aaron. I've been wanting to see him before he gets too much bigger.

I didn't go to my great-neice's wedding over the weekend because it was a 4-hour drive away. My sister offered me to stay in her hotel room even. But, I just don't feel comfortable away from home. I go to doctor appointments only and haven't even been going to the store because I don't feel that strong or good. I had Stef bring me to the store after church today.

I just hope that I get through this and that it's just a phase. Even if this is the cancer in my back, maybe treatment will make me feel better, do away with the numbness/weakness, and put the MM at bay for a while. Like I said, I think I'm getting ready for a little ride. I just pray it's not too bumpy and that it's a short-ride at that. In the meantime, I need to let God do the driving and just be a good passenger along the way. God is in control.

Latest Health Status

2008-06-27T19:34:00.005-05:00

Yesterday Joy brought me to my MRI, doctor appointment, and lab work. It was good she brought me as it was a long day!

The neurosurgeon, Dr. Pollack, gave us her initial analysis of the MRI, but reminded us that this was only her opinion. She had not received the radiologist's reading of the MRI yet, plus she could only look at it on her computer which does not have the same quality of resolution as the radiologist's computer would have.

Dr. Pollack said that from what she can tell, the spot has faded a bit. Also, Dr. Kelley said that while the spot is at the T8, there is a bit of something both above and below the T8--disqualifying my remarks that the 'spot' was at the T8 only.

What does this mean? Dr. Pollack thinks there's a possibility that this is not "spinal necrosis" (spinal cord damage...from the radiation) but that it very well may be the MM (cancer). The fact that it is better might indicate that the [evil] steroids did some good and started killing the cancer.

What next? The lab work done yesterday will show whether the cancer is active. Has my m-spike increased? There are also other markers that will be telling. I'll find this out next Thursday. If it is the MM (cancer), then Dr. Deauna will decide upon treatment. I fear it will include steroids.

One thing Dr. Pollack said that I must consider. I'm blaming my leg-weakness totally on the steroids. It could be what the cancer is doing, too.

Also, one of the two neurosurgeons yesterday, Dr. Kelley (other Dr. Pollack) wants me to see a urologist right away due to my trouble eliminating. He explained that if you don't eliminate you can permanently destroy your kidneys and need dialysis for the rest of your life. That, of course, is worst case scenario. So, I have to first go to an Internal Medicine (IM) doctor, who will refer me to a urologist. It's a complicated process, isn't it?

Equally complicated was getting me to an IM doctor, however, Dr. Kelley pulled his mentor and whatever and got me into one today, a Dr. Pioli in Overland Park. I've heard of her before and she's fabulous. She will now be my new Primary Care Physician. Adam liked her very much, too! If she passed the "Adam test" I know she's good.

I was initially going to see the urologist that saved my ureter and kidney after a doctor injured me back in 1997, but he does not work out of KU. I decided on just making the leap and going to a urologist from KU. All the doctors work together and given the complications I may have with MM, and MM can affect your kidneys, I will keep everyone in one place. My PCP, now Dr. Pioli, doesn't work out of KU, but she's good enough and as she puts it, she's the "air traffic controller" and just keeps everyone together, etc. She's so good and cooperative, etc., that I don't think I'm losing anything with her being outside of KU. As far as I know she doesn't go to KU, I didn't ask her, but the doctors who would be "operating" on me are at KU; that is what counts...I suppose. I'm trying to think through this as best I can and make the best decisions I can. That's about all I can do.

Well, all the urologists are out of the office next week. I don't understand that, but the first I'll get in is July 7th. Someone was supposed to call me today and make an appointment, but they never called. I supposed the "appointment desk" can call me next week. If I don't get a call by Monday, guess I'll be calling someone. I was told by both Dr. Pioli and Dr. Pollack's nurse that if I get to wear I can't eliminate, to go to the emergency room. The nurse said that on a weekend at KU I may be waiting a couple of hours because of t being a trauma center. I suppose if I have trouble over a weekend, I may just go to St. Joseph for "catheter relief" -- I just pray I'm OK and this doesn't happen.

In summary: this numbness from the waist down & spot on my back can very likely be the cancer, and I'll know at my next appointment with Dr. Deauna next Thursday. I will be seeing a urologist regarding my bladder/kidneys and how well am I eliminating. If I'm not eliminating very well, I may have to start doing "self-catheterization" from home. OH--and Dr. Pioli recommended Senna tea for bowel movements. She says it's natural. Dr. Pollack also said to try natural first as much as possible and she mentioned Fiber One cereal. So, I will be buying both and trying that.

Well, as far as my health status, that's about it...in a big fat nutshell.

It's "Crazy Lady" Me!

2008-06-27T19:09:00.004-05:00

I've been either busy or sick the past few days. Several times I caught myself thinking about my last entry and wondering whether I came across as I intended when I described that mysterious Love Letter From God audio that was mysteriously playing. It still is a mystery, by the way. I closed one site I had open, and the audio stopped. However, it still did not make sense this audio was coming from this particular site. I'm sure there is an explanation that I'm not aware of. Still, I do believe this was a God-thing, but it sounds like I just contradicted myself.

Like my minister and several men-of-God would say, "Nothing is by coincidence." I do believe that. God uses every day things to talk to us, to teach us, and so on. What I meant to say is that this audio may have a very logical reason why it was somehow playing on my laptop, but that it was a "God thing", is the "message" from God. So, no, it was not a miraculous little voice just coming out of my laptop, but somehow I did something unknowingly that caused that message to play....and I believe God was trying to tell me, to remind me, of his love for me. It is not a coincidence that lately I was feeling maybe unimportant or having those humanly feelings like perhaps I was not good enough for Him. Oh, nothing major or like I was whipping myself, but just those feelings we all sometimes get when we know we can and should be doing better than what we are as it relates to living our faith. Suddenly, I this audio appears on my laptop. The same day, Joel Osteen's message is of God's "Perfect Love". I copied it below.

Perfect Love
Today's Scripture
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives our fear" (I John 4:18).
Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
The scripture tells us that God is love. He is perfect and His love for us is perfect. There is nothing you can do right now to make God love you more, and nothing you can do to make Him love you any less. His love towards you is steadfast, it's unchanging. His arms are always stretched out towards you. He's always ready for you to come to Him.
Sometimes people aren't sure how God feels about them. They think He might be mad at them. But the scripture tells us just the opposite. God's not mad at you, He's madly in love with you! It doesn't matter what you've done or where you've come from, God's arms are open to you. He's longing to show you His goodness and grace. It's His kindness that leads us to repent and change our ways. Open your heart today and receive His love. Let His perfect love drive fear out of your life and make you new. As you receive His love, you'll experience His freedom and you'll live in blessing in every area of your life.
A Prayer for Today
Father God, I humbly come before You, giving You all that I am. I invite You to fill me with Your perfect love that casts out all fear. Fill me with Your peace and joy today and always. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

God came to me in these two ways that I'm aware of: audio & Osteen's daily message. God was responding to my current need of feeling his love and presence. I've been in physical discomfort and I needed reminding that God is here, in control, and loving me. Maybe he tried to reassure me in other ways and I missed them, don't know, hope not.

I just had to clarify. Maybe I'm still the "crazy lady" - but that I am. :)

Shallow Prayer and Depends and Such

2008-06-24T10:28:00.005-05:00

Last night I pulled out my Prayer Journal. It's this really neat leather (I think) covered calendar. It's from Crossings. Each month has the typical calendar with all the little boxes. Then each week is covered over two pages. Each day has a little box with lines in it and a Scripture. My intention was to first write down Blessings for each day in one of those boxes. Then below the boxes I would list Prayers. I just put names or whatever. At the end of each month are two pages for Prayer Journal and Personal Notes. I try to take notes from Sunday sermons on the Personal Notes page. I try to put special prayer requests and such on the Prayer Journal page. Of course, I have my daily prayers listed on the two-page pages. It also contains a reading plan, topical index, address section, and other helpful things inside. It's a nifty little calendar.

One problem is that I have not been 100% faithful, but thumbing through it, I've been pretty good. I could be real anal and give an exact percentage, but I won't. I bet I've used it at least 80%, so it could be worse. I notice the weeks and months I was sick are the times I was not as faithful to it. I'm going to do better.

I'm going to do better because last night as I was praying (and I've not been faithful..so don't think I have), I realized that I had made a promise to someone recently, to put some thing or some one on my regular prayer list. Now, I can't remember, for the life of me, who or what that was! I recalled Romans 8:26-27 (NKJV) "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according in to the will of God." Or as the NLT version, my favorite puts it: "And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." So, when I'm at a loss for prayer, I pray this Scripture verse, because my Advocate, the Holy Spirit, lives within me and intercedes for me in prayer.

But I don't want to make shallow promises to pray for some one or some thing, and then not do so. To me, that is a sin, a lie, a disservice, and just plain wrong. I am learning to write things down...but I did write this promise of daily prayer down. I know it will come to me. I remember my thoughts and heart when I made this promise. I felt very adamant about this specific promise to pray, so surely it will come back to me. In the meantime, I will rely on Romans 8:26-27.

But what this has done for me turns out to be a lesson-learned. I feel more adamant and inclined to be not only more faithful in prayer, but to be faithful in my prayer purpose. I have one other thing I just put on my daily prayer list yesterday. I look forward to this specific prayer and watching God handle it. He will. I try not to tell God what to do, because that does not work. He doesn't listen to that, as that is not His Way. Instead, I pray His will be done. I pray that He handle the situation. After all, He is the one with the great plans. Oh, I must also pray not to be shallow in my prayers!

A strange thing has happened. Just now. Is it a "God-thing" again happening to me? I've had my laptop "on" since some time yesterday. I did not close down. As I was journaling the above, I heard a voice. OK, I know what you're thinking, but truly, I heard a voice. I turned my TV on mute. Some man is talking. Where is it coming from? My laptop, by golly. I've turned up the volume. I've heard this before; it's a 'love letter from God' and supposedly God talking to you. I minimized everything and tried to see what I may have accidentally opened. I have no clue whatsoever. I have no email or application open that would produce this...audio love letter from God.

But one thing I do know, nothing is by coincidence. God has delivered this message to me for His good purpose. I think He is reminding me of His love for me. Oh, what a good God we have. I know there are those who would think I'm being silly. There was a time I would think the same thing. I no longer do. Isn't it funny that we will believe fortune tellers, tarot cards, stories told by interesting cultures, and other various worldly and fleshly sources. We quote Buddha, the Dalli Lama, Yogis, and other interesting fads. But then....when God works little miracles all around us, we believe these are mere "coincidences"? We discount Scripture prophecies continually--and not only have hundreds been fulfilled, but they still are today. Why do we continue to push away the Truth---and just as scary, why do we find it much easier to gravitate to these false gods and teachings? It amazes me. We can look back at OT stories & wonder how the Israelites could ever have built that golden calf and then worshiped it? For Heaven's sake, they had a cloud leading leading them through the desert and a fire in the night? They ate manna miraculously dropped from heaven for food!! We think that if we had that obvious of signs, we would never be unbelievers. They had it so easy, right? And HOW could they worship a god that they created? A golden calf? How could that god do anything! They made it! They created that God?! But we do the same thing today when we slough off Scripture and Truth. We are worse than they. When we believe these worldly "teachers" such as Dalli Lama, spiritualists, etc., we are doing things so similar to when they worshiped the golden calf!!!! How come these people don't see that? I don't get it. Call me a "Jesus Freak" then. I will proudly take that name. Scripture has been proven. Some try to discount the bible stories, through archeology and other ways...but they never can do it. They've never been able to discount it. Instead, it's always been proven to be true. Interestingly I read in the book The Case for Christ, (written by a former Atheist who turned Christian after intensive research into Scripture), that we believe the writings of a Historian from just one discovered ancient writing. And yet, for example, there are over 24,000 of the written New Testament, in various languages, and these 24,000 hand written ancient writings, is like 98% similar in content. The differences are a dropped plural or something like that..but not in truth or concept. And yet people doubt Scripture.....yet take word-for-word one ancient historian writing.

I didn't mean to go off on this, but it is just a musing, strong in my mind today. Perhaps it's because of my current reading...The Case for Christ by Lee Stroebel. It's that and just my thoughts in general I suppose. But Scripture warns us of false teachers and boy do I see them. What is most frightening to me is that I see people believing these false teachers. Any "teaching" or "philosophy that takes you away from Jesus Christ is a false teaching. So, in other words, if someone is telling you they can talk to your deceased loved ones, you're listening to a false teacher. God does not allow that. No matter how much you miss your loved ones and want to talk to them, it just does not happen. If God allowed it, Scripture would support it for one thing. It does just the opposite. Evil spirits can do amazing things and they do exist. They can appear as loved ones. If God allowed it, we would all be talking to our deceased loved ones. It would be very common. It's nothing to do with "being open to it." Oh these false teachers are so very clever They take a vulnerable place in your heart, and they make a wee little crack. But they enlarge that crack until it becomes a big gaping hole...between you and God. Please don't let that happen. If Jesus Christ is not involved, it's false. Period. I felt compelled to write all this...I just let my fingers flow...it must be my purpose today.

I know God speaks to us in varying ways: Scripture, through Sermons, through both Christian and non-Christian people. We know it's God speaking to us when the same message comes to us in multiple ways (e.g. could be a TV show, a friend bringing up a topic, and the same topic mentioned in Scripture, and so on.) That is not coincidence; that is God speaking to you. This 'love letter' on my computer is just an awesome message from God to me. I feel like doing a happy dance. God is working all around me. He loves me so and I feel it. The audio says, "He's the Father you've been looking for all my life." He sure is.

OK, now for the topic of DEPENDS and such. Is it just me or have these items that I find of interest and possible need always been advertised so much? There's a very attractive gray haired lady riding on the back of her grandson's motorcycle. The advertisement is for Depends. There's also an equally attractive gray haired lady getting married. Again, the advertisement is for Depends. I sort of cringe when I picture the lady with weewee in her pants on the motorcycle in those hot leather pants or with the beautiful white wedding dress. But, it's good, it's all good. I don't need Depends yet, but for a while I was thinking I would. I imagine the day will come I will need them and I'll be glad the advertisement showed such attractive ladies needing them. I still linger in the Depend isle, though. I'll be educated on what diaper panties I'll be purchasing...when the time comes. In the meantime, I'm finding some good pantie liners that give me the security I need for now. Actually, I'm sort of glad to say that I probably don't even need to wear them now. I do, just to feel secure. But hey, did I miss the progress I've made? Is something changing and/or improving? I actually have done OK. I haven't had any accidents.

OH NO!!! I should not have typed that. Sure as I have bragged that I have not had any accidents, I will have one now. Well, you know me: if I have an accident, you will hear all about it. I have no pride and I always tell on myself. Sometimes I really hate how open I am.

"And Such." I've noticed this advertisement for a lady who has to catheterize herself. Sometimes I wonder if it will come to that for me. I think I'm doing OK, but then not sure. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not completely emptying. Time will tell. But that advertisement is out there.

I bet it will be just a matter of time and there will be one on peripheral neuropathy (PN). We'll see. There's some other "and suches" but I can't focus anymore. I need to shower and then I'm going to fry some bacon, cook at least 3 eggs in it sunny side up. Then I'm going to take some buttered toast and dunk it in those eggs. It will taste so good going down, but after eating eggs I always feel a little funny in the tummy afterwards...nothing major..but it's worth the good dunking time.

Later, my friends. Did I say that I anticipate a good day? I think I'm healing.

Monday Day - Pretty Good

2008-06-23T18:11:00.005-05:00

I'm noticing this numbness is getting stronger but I have to remind myself, 'I can still move, it's just numb.' My strength is coming along, however. Good signs.

Today I changed my bed sheets again. How many times have I done that this week? A lot I think, but I've spent lots of time in bed, too. I've discovered if you count the hours in bed, it can sound gross. Let's say you sleep 8 hours a night. In a week that would be 56 hours in bed, in your bedsheets. Yucky poo. I really like clean sheets. Which reminds me, I need to put the sheets in the dryer.

All my big talk about exercise and I have not been doing it. I need to get going.

I put on shorts today and made my bed. What does this mean? I think good news. It means that I didn't feel bad enough to stay in bed all day. It means I felt good enough to wear day clothes and spend most of my day in the living room versus bedroom. It's nearing 6:30pm now, and I'm wanting to cuddle in bed. I need to wait it out some, however, as my little neighbor friends mentioned something about visiting me this evening. I sort of hope they don't, as I am getting a bit tired. But all-in-all, I think I did pretty good today.

I also got my Co-Pay assistance going with the Leukemia, Lymphoma Society (LLS). They'll be sending me a check soon for my cost of Medicare B from April through June. (Their calendar year is July-June). They will send me a renewal form in July. I complete it and I'm already set for July '08 through June '09. They've got the backup information they need already ( e.g. 2007 tax info, etc.) It will be good to get that assistance. Also, they will help me up to $5000 for any chemo I may need. Of course, chemo medicine can reach $5000 in just one month --so we'll see. Hopefully I won't be needing chemo. If so, I think as long as it's through an IV I'll be covered by insurance. It's only when one needs oral medication (e.g. pills) that I can't afford it. Medicare D just doesn't cover chronic diseases/illness that well. I miss the days of Sprint's good prescription coverage when my treatment medication cost me $30 or $50 copay. The medicine was actually anywhere from $6,000 to $12,0000. Gosh the pharmaceutical companies rob us. I think I read somewhere a pill costs a matter of cents and here they're charging thousands of dollars for it. I know research costs is calculated, but it's a scam any way you look at it. That is a sin.

I succumbed to Buddy's sad eyes today. I've let him inside for a visit. Buddy's my old Yellow Lab. I used to have him inside, but he's better off outside. I know he's felt neglected lately. Once I went out of town then to the hospital, he became an outside dog. I don't visit him much. Today I just felt like he needed a friend. He's my friend. I owed him that. Right now he's relaxed in the AC on the floor, in front of my closet. He's so stinky. But, he's a good friend. He's 13 years old. His spleen was removed last year. It was all yucky so I suspect he's also got some kind of cancer. He's certainly got arthritis. He's a good ole boy. I'll be glad I gave him these little reprieves when he dies. I'll miss him greatly.

Why do I doubt God answering prayers sometimes? I was laying in bed this morning, watching this police chase in Houston, TX this morning. This car was driving so reckless and weaving in and out of traffic. It was horrific. I decided to pray. "God, please end this chase now and don't let anyone get hurt." Within 10 seconds of that prayer, the driver lost control, spun around, and stopped. He was caught and handcuffed without incident. I know others were praying, too. It wasn't all about little ole me, I'm sure. But God works in such mysterious ways. Do I believe God answered my prayer? You bet I do. After reading that "Left Behind" series, it opened my eyes to so many possibilities. Those authors were so talented and imaginative. They opened my eyes to many of God's possibilities and I know there are countless more. But I never thought of the variety of ways that God can perform miracles and the ways we can witness the miracles. It goes along the ways where we can all talk in a different language, but hear in our own language. For example, someoe may be speaking in Hebrew, but I would hear it in English, a Hispanic person would hear it in Spanish, a Frenchman in French, and so on.

So, likewise, the timing of my prayer and it being answered today could be handled in a likewise way. Could God have answered many prayerrs within seconds of their request but we all experienced it..well...at the same time? Who knows. It's not up to me to figure it out. I just know that with God, anything is possible. I know that God answered many prayers today in letting that car chase end with no injuries.

I received a call from KU billing. It seems my secondary insurance was refusing payments, saying I had another secondary insurance. This was surprisingly simple to resolve. The lady fixed it in the system to show that I did not have a secondary insurance and that within 15 business day they would begin submitting payments. Medicare is my primary. UHC is my secondary through my LTD benefits with my ex-employer. In 2007 my LTD insurance was Coventry. Ex-employer no longer has Coventry as a provider as of 2008. They assigned me to the next insurance closest to Coventry, which was UHC. The system had Coventry down as my secondary somehow. No big deal. Fixed. Bills will be paid.

Well, it's nearly 7:00pm. Think I'll eat that baked potato in the oven, put on my jammies, and get into some Scripture tonight. Oh! And this is Jon & Kate Plus 8 night. I'll certainly be watching that.

What Is Going On Here, I Sure Don't Know?

2008-06-23T00:38:00.003-05:00

I don't know how I'm really doing. I know something is going on that isn't right, but then again, what do I really know?

Yesterday was a bad day. I was in bed all day. My blood pressure was high, averaging 143/90-ish. I had a headache all day because of it. I rested most of the day. I was nauseous. I took medicine for the nauseousness. I used both a hot water bottle and an ice pack. I think I have sinus stuff going on, too. So I've begun rinsing my sinsuses out in the shower.

My appetite is completely gone. Food does not sound good at all. I wonder if much of this is still coming off of the steroids. Those evil steroids!

I didn't even have my famous little breakfast in the morning. Around 1:00pm I forced myself to eat a bowl of Rice Krispies with a cut up banana.

The good news is that the swelling in my ankles is all but gone. I don't know if that swelling was the Gabapentin, but I'm thinking it was. I stopped it Thursday night. I will wait and see about restarting it.

Today was better in that I didn't have a headache, though I feel like it's just hanging out at bay--teasing me. I didn't even attempt to go to church, though, as I didn't feel that good. My blood pressure was better: lowest 106/72 and highest 133/90. Hmmm.

This numbness is getting stronger in my legs and bottom. I can feel, but it's just really numb/tingly. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing I have to think. Maybe I'm regaining sensations and it's a phase as I regain. Who knows.

My appetite is still puney, but then I'm just coming off the steroids where all I could think of was food and what my next meal would be.

The little neighbor girl and her step-brother (of sorts) visited me today. They'd surprised me the other day and did lots of barn chores for me. They stopped by 2 more times since then but I had to tell them I didn't feel good enough to visit. I didn't have the heart to do that to them today, so still stinky in my pj's I answered the door. They didn't mind. Halleigh, being the cute little tomboy that she is, bragged that she hadn't had a bath in 3 days!! I love that girl! So Halleigh, Kyle and I talked a bit and then I asked them if they liked games. "Sure!" they said. So I pulled out my box of cards and what did I have but a box of Uno. We played one game and was into our second game when their daddy's girlfriend called. She told me not to tell them, but they were surprising them with going to a movie and needed them to come home. They're such good kids. Kyle is a really good boy. Halleigh, of course, is a wonderful little girl. She's my horse-buddy girl.

My Healing Spirit

2008-06-20T21:54:00.004-05:00

I titled this entry that way because journaling is so healing and theraputic for me. It's always been that way for me. I was one of those girls who always had one of those little diaries with the lock that didn't really lock.

I destroyed several of my old diaries because I have always been very honest in them. I could be blackmailed.

I keep so many different types of journals, being the nerd-journal-queen that I am. My "other" journal on 'healthblogs' is really supposed to be more factual and about my MM. I still intend to revamp it to be more that way. I intend to make charts & graphs of my numbers. I need to organize it more for fact-finding. Like, if a person with MM wants to see my m-spike, they can click on a 'page' and see its tracking---using it to compare to their markers. Oh, just believe me, there is a purpose to my madness. I just need to "get there."

Adam mowed my grass today and it looks and smells so nice. I napped as he mowed, as I'd done a lot before he got there.

I felt good enough this morning that I put shorts on versus showering and just putting a clean pair of PJ's on. My routine has been to shower, put on clean jammies, and get back in bed to read, journal, etc. I didn't feel good enough to be "up" and "around." Well, today I intended to be up enough that I not only wore shorts, but I brought my laptop and reading material into the living room. Before I got into any reading I decided to make this chicken enchilda casserole. I was standing long enough making it that by the time I was done, I was ready to head back to my room. Of course, that was after I ate a much too-large portion.

OH, and amidst coooking I washed and dried a load of throw rugs, folded a load of towels, washed and dried my sheets and put them back on my bed, used the dishwasher then emptied it, and lightly swept the house. Hmmmmm......I didn'd do all that much, did I? :)

Yesterday I went to grocery store. It was a struggle, more so because I was battling a headache. I usually get migraines, but this is a different type of headache. It feels like a high blood pressure head ache. My BP was high last night but it was completely normal the night before. I let the young man at the store take my groceries to my car. I tipped him $1 and he acted like I didn't have to do that. I'm going to accept help whenever possible from now on. It was lovely. Though, quite honestly, when I was healthier, I always enjoyed and preferred doing stuff myself. It's a new world now....for me. Besides, when others help others (e.g. me), it's their blessings.

Once I got home, I drove my car in the yard right up to my steps. I took each bag and sat it on the top of the step. Then I backed the car back in the driveway. All I had to do now is bring each sack inside. So, I brought each sack to just inside my doors. Now, everything is inside. Next, I take each sack from just inside the door to my kitchen. See, it's all doable, just in steps. I'm adjusting and doing quite well.

I'm tired, though. But maybe that is just "now" after doing all the stuff I'm doing. I am still coming off of these steroids. I'm still swollen and bloated feeling. My face is still swollen which tells me that the steroids are still well inside me...unless it's something else causing this swelling in my face and neck??? didn't think of that... In the past week, especially today, I felt a familiar bone pain. I'm imagining it's the MM. I felt it in my shoulders and in my back. I didn't need any extra pain medicine, but I just feel this ache. I wish I could explain the way it feels, as it's different than anything I've ever felt. I think it's in soft-tissue, too, so maybe that's why it feels different. I wonder if it's the MM. I know my imagination could be working here, but then...I don't know. My m-spike was increasing just before all this other started. On the other hand, my protein (in my urine) was too low to measure..that is a good thing. Dr. D. is having lab work done 6/26 (will have results 7/3) to see what my MM is doing. I just need to enjoy life until then...but she said something about maybe the MM is acting up..and something about my back.

But you know what? If it's the MM, then it is. I just get a little treatment for it then. I don't mind the treatment, quite honestly, but I don't know what I'll do if steroids are included. They usually are. I'm going to talk to the doctor about them next we meet. I just don't ever want them in my body again. I think I've reached my limit with them.

I'm not as worried about this MM as it may sound. I'm just journaling, "typing out loud" you might say. I'm still OK with whatever happens. My main thing is that I be with Jesus when it's all said and done. I want others to know Jesus and be saved. I want my family and friends to know that they were great. I want my horses taken care of. I want all of my pets taken care of. I want things to be better for certain people. So, I'm not worried about this. It is what it is. I just journaled about it tonight. I'm still enjoying this journey and I'm still receiving blessings.

I'm still so much more blessed than many others. I can do so many things yet. And even with this numbness, it dawned on me, "hey, I can still move...so..so what about the numbness, I can still move." Which makes this thing going on with me so mysterious I think. I'm numb and weak, but I can still feel and move, though with more diffiuclty. Hmmmmmm.

Wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Increased Numbness

2008-06-18T21:17:00.003-05:00

Today was my first day not having to swallow a steroid pill. I was happy for that.

I doubled up on sleeping pills last night. I needed the rest. I got it.

The numbness and tingling feeling in my legs and feet has increased significantly. I hope that it gets better. I hope that it does not stop me from rebuilding some strength in my legs. I hope it never gets so that I cannot walk at all.

It strikes me that I am in bed all day. I sit on the couch to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, unless I'm eating in bed. Am I bedridden since I'm mainly in bed? I might be. It's too uncomfortable to be up.

Oh well, I will give it time. I've been too tired to try to go to the store. I'm going to go to bed by 10:00PM tonight and hope that it makes a difference in how I feel tomorrow.

Asking "Why?" Today

2008-06-17T21:32:00.004-05:00

Today I was asking myself "wasn't it enough I have cancer, an incurable cancer? I'm OK with that. But why do I have to also be crippled?" I don't know why I'm doing this, and then, oh yes I do. I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to take care of myself. I'm just freaking out..for the moment maybe.

Oh, and speaking of being "crippled", let me show you my new pride and joy and savior: my walker. I LOVE this walker. It saved my life the other morning. It saved my life today, for that matter. I did so much today that by late afternoon, when I walk around the house I use it. When I let the dogs outside, I sit on it and wait for them to return to the door. That has not been typical, but after my particularly active morning, I wore my little steroid weak-legs out today.

I initially had been drooling over another walker, but by the time I purchased one, it was this one. Like mom always said, "things happen for a reason." It's true, as I prefer this walker versus the original one. I even like the blue versus a plain black one.

But as much as I LOVE this walker, I do hope that it is just a fling, just a short love affair and not for the long haul. If it has to be for the long haul, I'll be ever grateful for its assistance. But if I do not have to walk arm-in-arm with my new little friend forever, I will be overjoyed even more!

I did a whole lot today, so you wouldn't think I feel scared or crippled. But hearing what I'm doing compared to seeing how I do it are two different things.

Today I accomplished:

Changed my bed sheets.

Washed & dried my old bed sheets.

Washed and dried my comforter.

Shaved and bathed Scottie (Sheltie).

Bathed Claire (poodle).

Lightly swept bedroom, living room, and kitchen.

Walked out to the barn for the first time since 5/9/08. (Neighbor girl surprisingly showed up and helped me water and hay horses.)

Fixed my own meals.

Showered.

Took my trash to my dumpster.

Fed my outside cats and dogs.

So, I accomplished all of this today. These everyday tasks are "accomplishments". Maybe that is why I find it scary. I think I'm being a little dramatic. I think I'm still adjusting. I think the steroids are still getting to me and more than anything, I am just fatigued, making it harder to cope. I know all of that, really.

Our minds and attitudes are funny things. How we focus or react to our circumstances will allow us to either succeed....or to fail. I know all that "rah rah" and "positive attitude" and "keep up the good fight" stuff that we're supposed to do and think. I am just weary of it this moment. But I know, it's only a "moment" that I'm struggling. And more than anything, I tell myself, is that I'm feeling the affects of these steroids. They make you so weak in the legs because they break down muscle. So, sure I'm going to feel crippled and weak.

I'm done with the steroids, so there is good news and hope here. I need to keep that hope, be realistic [I am on steroids so I will feel weak], and never give up. As I feel sorry for myself right now I think of all the people that can't use their legs at all. They figure it all out. They live. They take care of themselves. They just do it differently. I must remind myself of this and quit being so "self-focused". I need to go outward. I need to think of what I can do rather than what I can not do.

I read in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 where Paul regarded his "thorn" as an aid rather than a handicap. His "thorn" kept him dependent on divine power and humble. So, I am going to look at this "thorn of mine" as an aid. I was hoping the cancer was going to be an "aid" enough, but just my luck, I guess I need two "aids": (1) cancer and (2) crippling effect. Hmmmmm. I've always journeyed down the path less traveled. Story of my life, I think. How do I keep getting off of the beaten path?

And then, I just have to remind myself that once these steroids get out of my body, I will rebuild strength.

Tomorrow is another day, full of hope and promise. It is a day I don't have to take steroids. AMEN!

A Bit Rough, But.....I Keep Trucking Along

2008-06-16T17:43:00.004-05:00

I used better judgment today and canceled my eye doctor appointment. Like a goof I was up until 3:00AM again last night. I had been on such a good schedule just before these steroids. I still vow to get back on schedule. I still need to set that goal. And each time I fail and do something foolish, like stay up too late, I must pick myself up, dust off, and move forward with good intentions.

I rescheduled my eye appointment for mid-July. Hopefully the steroids will be out of my system more, so won't be affecting my eye pressure anyway. I also hope that once I go, that the timing is such with my insurance that I can order new glasses. I can't wait to get new eye glasses.

Today has been rough. I hope it is just coming off of the steroids. The Correctol laxative stimulant worked very well. I can see that this is a necessity. I have so much still to figure out with this numbness and especially with bowel movements. Sorry folks, but that is just the facts. Between staying up too late, coming down off of the steroids, and probably my digestive system needing cleaned out and I'm just so bloated feeling, I just do not feel good today. I've been a little sweaty or clamy maybe. Just yucky.

I'm using that walker a bunch, so it was a good investment. I have walked without it a time or two. Yesterday it seemed I could use my cane more. I'm just feeling blah. Again, coming down off of the steroids can be doing a number on me. I hope to rest well tonight. I need it.

I was hoping to try to go to the store this evening or afternoon. I'm out of banana's and would like to get a few items. I don't have to. I have plenty. I just wanted to. I have strawberries for my cereal. I don't even need strawberries or banana's for my cereal. I'm just in my little routine. Not a big deal. Perhaps tomorrow I'll feel so much better that I'll go to the store in the afternoon. I think I'm wanting to more to see if I can do it rather than really needing to get something. Oh, and a lot of it is because I like my little routine of what I've been eating.

I put my pills in my new pill pack. It's just like my old one except it's bigger, so easier to get pills in and out. Joy got my first complicated pill pack. When I first saw it I was not sure I'd really use it. With all the different pills I take and the schedule I'm on to take the pills, it has been the best thing! With time, one of the containers keeps falling out of the container. It's still usable and at least the lid that holds the pills inside still works. But, it was time for a new one. I like it. Simple things please me. :) But I like to have it all organized so I can just take the pills when I need to without a bunch of thought.

I was hoping to plant tomatoes and green peppers amongst other things this summer. I'm not giving up on that hope yet, but as tired and as yucky as I feel right now, I don't see me having any type of garden. I wonder if I planted a tomato plant in a pot?

My ankles are still swollen and my left one is the worst. I still can not figure this swelling out and I don't know if it's anything I need to worry about. Could it still be the steroids? My face and neck are still swollen and have not gone down at all and I am pretty sure that is still the steroids, so perhaps the same with my ankles. I am pondering whether to talk to the nurse tomorrow or to wait a bit yet. When I see my face go down then perhaps my ankle will go down at the same time. hmmmm. I am tired of looking at this fat face.

I can't believe I still have not even touched my horses since 5/9/08. This is just not me and my horses.

Mandy is doing fine it seems. I just wrap a piece of bread around her pain pill and she thinks she's getting a treat. Poor Mandy and me. We are messes.

This morning I watched Little House On The Prairie. My friend watches this and the Waltons nearly every day I think. She says it just makes you feel good to see that good old family stuff. I believed her but I wasn't sure if I could really just sit and watch one of those shows. When I ate breakfast this morning I watched it and I must say that it truly soothed my soul. Those types of shows are what family and life should be about. So, I have promptly set my DVR to record the Waltons and Little House on The Prairie every day from the Hallmark Channel. My friend has been a wonderful influence in my life.

Well, that is about it for today. Tomorrow will surely be better.

Sunday With Some Break Throughs

2008-06-15T16:19:00.004-05:00

Saturday, 6/14/08:

I brought Mandy home from the vet. Mandy has an arthritic right elbow. She has pain medicine. I am confused but I'm not second guessing. I'll take that versus me running over her and killing her.
I bought a walker with wheels, seat, and basket and I made a good decision to do so.
I went to Dollar General and got pet food and other items.
I went by Price Chopper and picked up some groceries.
I picked up lunch at Guido's for Adam, Stef and I. Adam mowed my grass, but in the middle of it, his mower broke. I have a half-mowed yard and poor Adam feels bad that his father-in-law's mower broke while he was using it.
I had a nice visit with the kids and especially Lane, my precious little grandson.
I ate too much for dinner (3 little baked potatoes with lots of butter/cheese/sour cream) and cottage cheese and watermelon and cookies and milk! I was miserable and have to stop this!
I went to bed too late again (after 2:00AM...still wound up over steroids)

Sunday, 6/15/08:

Unfortunately, I was not able to attempt to go to church like I'd hoped.
I woke up a little after 4:00 AM, nearly crippled (will explain later)
I was able to get around enough by 7:00AM to care for pets and fix breakfast
By 10:00AM I think, I was doing better. I've even walked without a cane some.
I folded and put away the load of towels that was in the dryer.
I took a nice shower and am wearing my favorite jammies that Shelia got me. I feel pretty and comfy in them.
I had a good talk with Doris (sis in Colorado).
While I'm do-doing every day, I've decided to take a stimulant because I want to be sure and be cleaned out (TMI, but that is this blog...and me.)
I ordered those glasses they advertise that wrap around your regular glasses. They better be good. I will be getting new glasses in July. I need sunglasses. These seem like a good setup.
Tomorrow I have an eye doctor appointment. As of now, I plan to go and I plan to use my walker, too.
I feel nicely tired and may take a nap in a minute. I'm also taking extra pain medicine plus not sleeping very well due to the steroids, so no wonder I'm very tired.
There is a very good possibility that I will be getting an offer on my home soon.
Mandy is doing fine so far. I'm still amazed. I'm so glad I did not kill her.

OK...there's some major points. I will explain what happened this morning where I was so crippled. It was very scary.

I woke up after 4:00AM and my knees hurt, particularly my right knee. It hurt so bad I rocked in bed. I could hardly stand up or walk. I think I used my walker to get from my bed to the bathroom and had to hang on and barely get to the pot to go to the bathroom. I was very scared, as I have never felt this crippled in my whole life. Thank goodness my upper strength is better, though I've not got that great upper strength.

I recall taking some of my breakthrough pain medicine, I put BenGay on my knee, I elevated it, and then I even got a heating pad. The heating pad was probably not a good idea. At first it seemed OK, but soon I realized it was not helping in the pain. I lay there rocking and humming in pain and praying for God to take it. I found myself falling back off to sleep. Thank goodness.

Then about 6:00AM I used the walker and let the dogs out. I actually had to sit on the seat much of the way through the house when I was letting the dogs out. I filled my ice pack with cubes, let the dogs back in, and scooted back to my room. Am I ever glad I went ahead and got that walker. I knew I needed it now.

The ice pack truly helped. I think I even was smart enough to pick up some Ibuprofen when I was in the kitchen and I took some.

My knees have been swollen along with my face, ankles, feet and everything with the steroids. I remember getting in bed last night, though, and my right thigh feeling tight and my knee hurting. I think that now that I'm coming off of hte steroids, that I'm feeling more. The steroids hide hurts and issues. I think that my knees were swollen and hurt from the steroids in the first place. Then I have been off of my knees for the most part for a month, so they have been pretty raw and weak as it is. Then I think I'm doing real good and I'm doing light housework, running too long of errands, some exercise, etc. The steroids are covering up any sign that I may be overdoing. I'm just now feeling what is real again. I fell on my knees a few days ago and thought I only got a few rug burns on my knees, but now I'm realizing that I hurt my right knee just a bit maybe. I don't think I did any major damage, but I think I may have just aggravated it a bit, especially combined with over-using my knees lately.

So, I think my intense and crippling pain and weakness this morning was a break through of coming down off of the steroids. I think the ibuprofen and ice pack plus elevation helped give me relief. I think I need to be careful but it will be easy now, as I can feel when I'm overdoing.

I should have known better I suppose, but in the time I was on them before, I never had this kind of issue.

I was very surprised and relieved that by 11:00 AM, maybe earlier or later, I do not recall now, but I have since walked without a cane or anything today. That is a complete 360 degree turn compared to where I was at 6:00AM. I could have easily paniced this morning. I was crippled. I had to sit in the seat on the walker to fix breakfast. I sat on the seat and scooted down the hall. I could not walk all the way using the walker at one time even.

As my bullets showed, I folded and put away my towels and I've showered. Other than that, I'm staying off my feet and have them elevated in bed. I am putting ice on my right knee every once in a while. I'm taking ibuprofen and I'm keeping up with the pain medicine until at least 6:00pm maybe. Then I'll see if I am OK with just my regular stuff, as I take 60mg Morphine Sulfate two times a day anyway.

Tomorrow I have an eye doctor appointment at 10:45AM. Right now I intend to go and I will definitely use my walker. If I feel too bad, of course I will cancel. My eye doctor monitors my eye pressure due to the steroids. He sees me more often when I'm on them. I have not been on them, of course, until just now, so I think it's important for him to look at my eyes. There is no problem with my eyes when I'm not taking the steroids. But I want to talk to the eye office and see how soon my insurance will cover a new pair of glasses, as I'm in dire need for new glasses. I not only hate my current glasses and they don't work well, I've either run over them or something the day I brought Mandy to the vet. So, I'm very anxious to check in on when I can order new glasses.

I hope those wrap-arounds they advertise on TV are as good and functional as they advertise. Sometimes those items are great and sometimes not. At first I thought it was so easy ordering them. You don't talk to a live person, you just respond to questions and it works quite well. All was going well until they tried to sell you an extra pair. I said "no". They asked again, I said "no" again. Then they offer the second pair for $5.00 cheaper. Again, "no." Then they ask you if you want an upgrade where there's some anti-glare or scratch or whatever, plus a case, a cloth, a 2-year or is it lifetime gaurantee replacement if you break or scratch them....'no' and they ask again...and I buckled and said, "yes." OK OK...so I just got the little $9.99 upgrade where now I get a carrying case, cloth, something extra on the glasses like scratch resistance or something and something about glare I think...PLUS the warrantee..and now I can't remember if it was only 2 years or lifetime. Whatever. THEN they tried to offer something else...."NO!!" They may have asked twice for it, too..."NOOOOOO!" Finally, the call ended. So, while initially I was impressed with how to order these glasses, I started to get annoyed. I was folding my towels as I ordered the glasses. I'm really planning on my new glasses. I hate having to wear glasses anyway, and then when you need sunglasses, it's just annoying. You have to either buy prescription sunglasses which I don't because it'd be too expensive. Uusually the frames I pick out will include a sunglass attachment that magnetically attaches to my regular prescription glasses. That's not a bad deal, but then I don't want to buy frames just to get one of those. This time I really want to get some cute frames. Doris always has cute frames and hers actually look good on me. So far this place hasn't had the cute styles. I don't know if I can go somewhere else for frames. I'll have to check into the kind of eye glass insurance I have. It's through my Sprint LTD benefits. I go to a place called "Discover O" I think it's name is. This one is in Overland Park on Nall, but there's one in Independence. If I don't see cute frames in Overland Park, I might take the time and trouble and drive to Independence or elsewhere.

The last 3 years I've settled with frames I was not all that happy about. I don't think I'll do that this year.

I do not understand why my ankles are still so swollen, especially that I'm off my feet. My left ankle is the most swollen and you can't even see my ankle bone. Hmmmmm. My right ankles are puffy, can't see ankle either, but left is real fat. I just don't know why I have this swelling.

I may consider calling my doctor's nurse tomorrow and updating her of my recent symptoms, etc.

I sort of miss the thunderstorms we had this afternoon, though I don't want any more flooding.

Well, I think I will relax and maybe nap...read..not quite sure.

God Answers Prayers

2008-06-13T21:18:00.003-05:00

Due to the steroids, I've been really wired up and have stayed up til 3:00AM the last several nights. Last night was the same. My last prayer before I went to sleep at 3:00AM last night was to ask God to work a miracle on Mandy, if that be His Will.

At 4:00AM I got up to go the bathroom and let Claire (poodle) outside. On the porch in the early morning, eating, was Mandy. As I opened my door I immediately recognized her little body in the early morning darkness. Thank you, my Sweet Jesus!

She could walk, but definitely was limping on her right front leg. I brought her inside because I wanted to ensure she did not run away again. She hogged down a bowl of food, which I thought was a good sign. She lay, appearing somewhat comfortably, in a little dog bed on the floor next to my bed.

I got her to the vet around 9:15AM this morning. The vet initially thought that it didn't appear anything was broken, but that she had a very very sore right shoulder. He kept her for xrays and further observation. They did not call today and nor did I follow-up. I figured I'd let them do their job. I have used this vet a long time and they have performed miracles on my dogs, one including Mandy's leg years ago. I am sure I'll hear something tomorrow and if not, I will definitely call.

I am so relieved. At the very least, I know that Mandy will be more comfortable. Since I haven't heard anything, a little piece of me is worrying that maybe something internal may be going on. But I think I'm borrowing worry. Before we left this morning, she also drank lots of water. I figure eating and drinking that well were good signs. I hope so. Mandy is certainly a scrounger and I had hoped she was working the injury through. The ground is wet and soft, so I also hope there was enough "give" that it prevented too serious of injury. In any event, God is obviously taking care of her. God is so good. No matter what happens, I know God is caring for Mandy.

On the way out of the vet I saw a lady I knew only as a Sprint employee and who also had horses and went to the same stables I did. I don't think she knew I'd got cancer and all that's gone on with me. I also think she was shocked to see how I looked, all puffed up on steroids. I'm really really swollen. We had the most wonderful talk of God for about 45 minutes. It was especially interesting since she's a "cradle Catholic" (as I was but no longer am). She is very adamant about the Catholic church and the neat thing is, she really does her research. While we had several differences of opinions in miner things, we found such wonderful common ground and had learned and opened up so much in each other. She encouraged me in what she told me how Catholcism is changing in that it's getting more...evangical. Maybe that is not the right term, but I think Catholicism is getting more into Scripture and living God's Word. The common thing I find with Catholics, thus this friend, is that many feel Catholicism is the first and only right "religion." They stand on God starting his church on Peter and so on. I won't go into an argument on this, because it would not make sense. But I do believe this is a false interpretation and stance. When you research how Catholcism started, it is not really because it is the "first religion." It was political, it was papacy, it was not a "first religion." It was political. This papacy got so ritualistic and legalistic that other "religions" branched off in order to follow God's Word and not "man made rules". At least that is how I'm understanding this, but I am less than an expert. I am such a novice in research. And I'm just trying to put together information that I am currently researching. But all my research does not matter, because it's not about the right or wrong religion. It's not about "religion." Religion is a man-based organization. Just something to categorize a specific group. It's not a bad thing. But what it does do is box people "in or out" of this "religion" (a.k.a. man-made organization.) So, then what does that do? It is a wall, a roadblock for man's opportunity to have that personal relationship with God.

So, ultimately, I think, it's about our relationship with God, knowing Him, praying to Him, getting in His Word. It's not about what "religion" we are. So in summary, I enjoyed my conversation with this lady. She opened my heart up and she gave me encouragement about Catholicism, in which I've grown weary of over my years and experiences. Oh, I will never be a Catholic again, though I highly admire it for many reasons, and I base my faith foundation on the wonderful examples of family, nuns, and priests that I encountered growing up because I was lucky enough to be exposed to righteous ones. So, yes, I will give credit to my foundation of faith on my former Catholic upbringing and teaching. But I will credit my personal relationship now, my greater even faith, my greater feeding and understanding, to just being a believer in Christ and in His Word. I choose to be fed by leaders that are in God's Word. OK...enough on that.

After my visit with my friend, I had only an hour before I had to be home to meet with the PT's. I wanted to stop by the pharmacy and look at that walker with wheels and brakes. I did get a new pair of shoes and what a good investment. I got a 30% discount because they were "try on's" and they still cost me about $120. That is the price I paid for safe and comfortable shoes. They are not real pretty. They are black, they tie, and they have nice rounded spaceous toes. They also give me better balance. I notice an immediate difference in how I can walk. Someone had purchased the walker that was formerly out, but they had other walkers 2 buildings down, I just didn't have time to wait. But I am going back. I really want and need a walker. I think Medicare will pay for one, but I must wait until at least 6/26 for my Neurosurgeon doctor appointment where she can write me a prescription. I am going to try with all of my might to wait. This walker I want is $120-ish, so I don't know if Medicare will pay for that one, but I want it for sure. A part of me thinks I'll want two walkers. I'll want one little plain light one for routine walking and then I want this fancy one for other certain occasions. I'm thinking Medicare will pay for only a basic quite honestly. And since a walker right now will provide me more safety and ease, yes, I think I have talked myself into getting this one now. I'm having such a hard time at times now, though I'm still improving. I can let Medicare get me the other one. OK...talked myself through that. I also need some socks with no seams plus a nice new pill pack for my schedule. My sister got me a nice pill pack at the onset of my illness. It's great. It still works, only one container falls out now. But all the little lids do stay closed. I just want a new pack. So, maybe tomorrow I'll go back to the pharmacy or next week. Oh, and the nice girl that helped me at the pharmacy is ordering another pair of shoes in, in my size that I liked. They're a little Mary Jane-looking shoe. If it fits, I'll get it. I will only have about two pairs of shoes that I can wear, and they won't be fancy, but they will be safe and comfy. This Mary-Jane pair are cuter than the ones I got today. I don't care how sort of ugly the ones I got today look, though, because they feel that good. Gosh, feet with peripheral neuropathy (PN) sure hurt and can make it so hard to walk. I think I will eventually find some good tennis shoes, too.

I will be getting rid of all my shoes I guess. I have some cute little heels I just hate to think I can't wear any more. It was so fun to wear cute little summer dresses and those little hills. Oh well. I'm keeping some of my flip flops though I think they don't want you wearing them. My bestest girlfriend got me the cutest yellow flip/flops from Victoria Secret's with rhinestones. I've got several compliments on them. I wore them to the doctor and even drove with them. But, I need to be smart. They sometimes started to come off my feet and I couldn't feel it. That is dangerous if walking and especially driving. That is why I'm investing in safe shoes. But, I will see if I can wear the flip flops and be careful. I'll just have to figure all this out. And the silver lining I keep finding in this is more closet space and less decisions on what to wear and then....just less complications...just learning to not be so worried about fashion...not that I ever was.

The PT's were late, thank goodness, because it gave me time to have my famous breakfast I've had since home from the hospital: Rice Krispies with thinly sliced banana's and strawberries, milk, and sugar, toasted bagel with cream cheese, and coffee with lots of milk and sugar. I've been eating blueberry bagels instead of the plain and they are good, too. Still, I love the plain ones. I've over-toasted the blueberry ones a few times and then you can't taste the berries. Tommorrow I'll try to toast lighter just so I can appreciate the blueberry taste. But at 11AM I finally got my breakfast. Yummy.

The PT girls were fun and nice. Perri and Vicki. It was really helping in the training for Perri to do this and I'm glad I did. Perri left me with some pictures of exercises which I will find helpful. I had to do some exercises for them, too.

I'd lost my glasses this morning somehow. When I started down the drive with Mandy, I realized I didn't have my glasses. I was able to drive and did fine. I didn't find my glasses all day. I did tell the PT girls that I'd lost my glasses I think. Tonight I was sitting here in bed and got to wondering where those glasses were. Something told me to walk around my car and even look inside it. I did, no glasses. As I walked around the car and not finding my glasses, I was thinking, 'oh well, maybe they'll show up somewhere' and then I looked on the hood of my car and there they were! They're a little bent and scratched. I wonder if those girls found them on the way out and just lay them on my car? I wonder why they didn't come to the door, which is no big deal? I wonder what prodded me tonight to go outside and look for them? I wonder what made me look at the hood of the car AFTER I'd already walked around the car and looked inside it? This kind of stuff always puzzles me. They're a bit chipped and scratched so I have no clue what they went through. I have not looked at what I look like now when I wear them, as I'm sure they're all crooked. I think my insurance will pay for new ones this summer, but not until sometime in July. I hate to have to wait, but for glasses, I'll have to wait for that expense. Gosh it's a pain to have to wear glasses. This time I promise myself I'm going to get some glasses that not only fit better, but by golly are cuter.

Once the girls left, for some reason, I wanted to get stuff done. I swept the house but for my spare bedroom and office. I didn't do a perfect, good, and thorough sweeping, but I got the main thoroughfare which picked up the main dog and cat hair and other dirty stuff. Then I put Lysol in a bucket of hot water and took one of those sponge mops and washed the floor everywhere I don't have carpet. Again, not a perfect job, but a good enough one that my floors look and smell clean. I can't wait to feel my kitchen floor on bare feet. There's something about feeling that floor clean that just feels good.

I also started doing my laundry. I love to have all my laundry done. For being just me, I sure do have a lot of laundry, too. I did whites (undies/socks), two loads of throw rugs, and pj's. I still have to do a load of bath towels, a load of kitchen towels, and my colors (shorts/tops). I folded the sheets that were in the dryer. Tomorrow I should have my laundry all done.

By now I'm feeling good and accomplished, but I am worn. I decide it's time to bring my laptop from my bedroom to the kitchenetter so I can catch up on email and my computer stuff I like to do. I tripped at the end of my bed, with laptop in hand. The most important thing to me was save the laptop!!! I somehow landed the laptop gently up on this bench so it would not brake. I just came down on my knees and barely got rug burns, though no burns now. I know how to fall so that I really don't fall. I can't save a fall all of the time, but often I can just sort of slink. Another lesson being learned. I'm pushing myself and maybe need to be more careful. Also when I was emptying the Lysol bucket in the tub, I was sitting on the side of the tub. My butt is so numb that I often can't feel if I'm sliding off of something. So, I slid off the side of the tub and onto the floor. Not a fall, just a slip off the side of the tub. No harm done. I see how I need to be more careful. I usually am. I do think these steroids have me messed up in many ways yet.

Then dinner, you know me...FOOD. I baked two potatoes tonight because the taters are really small. The two made for one nice one really. I baked them without foil and I liked how the skins turned out. I also baked them at 350 for longer. I think the key is baking them slower. I think I overcooked though, as I got sidetracked. I almost want to try to cook them lower than 350 for a longer and see what that does. I want baked potatoes that are moist and not too done, but done...and yet have that sort of dry harder skin but that you can still eat the skin. Restaurants somehow accomplish that. I think I will continue to use bagged potatoes for backup, but I may try some of those big potatoes that are specifically for baking.

I promised myself that tonight I was going to get rest. I know I need it. It's already 10:15pm and I should have my lights out. I decided tonight I was going to take a sleeping pill, a prescription I got from the hospital. I never use anything for sleep. I am very leery about ever getting addicted to something (cigarettes, pop, medicines, etc.). But I know that I need rest. I took a pill I think an hour ago now and I'm still not sleepy. These darned steroids! OUT! OUT of my body NOW!!!!! I'm sure the medicine will kick in in just minutes. Maybe it was not quite an hour ago I took the pill. I can sort of get lost when I'm on this computer.

So, there was my day. Eventful starting out with Mandy. Successful with all the other. I'm doing good. I hope Mandy is doing good. I know she is sad, lonely, and scared right now at the vet's. Maybe they have her sedated some. I sort of hope so if it helps her. Please pray she heals and will be OK. I will give her more love and attention, what she deserves, when she gets home. This was a sad ordeal for sure. I will also start to check under my car before I ever back out again. I've never had to do that before, but it's a new day for all of us.

NOTE: I believe once I'm "steroidless" that my entries will be less rambling. We can only hope.

Better Day, Though Very Weak in the Legs & Other Stuff

2008-06-12T19:35:00.004-05:00

Today was better in some ways. In some ways it was worse or just a day. Then, it has been very good. I guess it's a mixed up kind of day.

Sad Note: Mandy has not showed up. I really know she won't. I know she is dead. I hope she didn't suffer much. Vet and a friend suggested something else may have been going on in the first place as to why she was even under the car in the first place...and then maybe I just finished her off. I don't know. I'm not sure it makes me feel that much better. Looking back, I made a few big mistakes. First, if I had not been so hard-headed to go get those plates, I would not have run over Mandy. I was pushing myself and I told myself I would not do that. I could have waited a day and perhaps I would not have run over her. THEN, after I did run over her, I should have just called the vet then and there and had them come try to catch her. At the very least they could have put her to sleep on the spot and out of any suffering. But there was no blood or fur and she still ran to the porch and under it. I truly assumed she was bruised or if hurt, would settle down enough that by the time I returned I could get her and hold her until the vet could come check her out. No, Mandy had to run off. There is just no trace of her. I have to and will get over this. I did a lot for her during the 11 years I had her. I know she's over 14. I know she was getting ill and close to her time. You can just tell. But, I wish she didn't end with me running over her and worse, not knowing what happened to her. I will ask my son to search around this weekend. Hopefully we'll find her and at least be able to bury her. A small hope inside me is that she's working off a bad bruising and she'll miraculously show up on my porch. I know that is not realistic, but I do have that little hope.

Weak and Body Stuff: My legs are more weak than ever. I can barely do half the exercises I was doing a few days ago. Steroids. I'm lowering dosage and won't get into all that, but I know I will improve. They have just got me big time this time. I am going to rush weaning them a bit, but it should still be OK. I plan to be off of them completely by next Wednesday or Thursday. I sure hate having to wean down and I hate each time I have to stick one in my mouth, but I must do it as right as I can. Today my knees, ankles, and feet really swelled up. I had sat up for several hours. I decided to again, listen to my body. I'd sweated a lot and felt yucky, again from steroids and I'm sure humidity some. I felt yucky. So at 4pm I took my second shower for the day, powdered up, put on clean sheets, and elevated my feet. I'm doing better. Swelling is lessening, but still there. Ron (Vet) checked in on me today. He gave me some information what is probably happening getting off them. It made sense. It's OK. I'll be OK. Can't wait to get this evil poison stetoid stuff out of my system.

I enjoyed a nice baked potato with lots of butter, cheese, and sour cream tonight. It was yummy. I imagine around 9:00pm I'll have buttered popcorn and dip it in that melted caramel. Will I continue to enjoy this stuff or am I still being affected by the steroids?

All in all, I'm doing OK. Tomorrow two physical therapist ladies will come do an "exit interview" for my Home Health services. I'll be glad when that is overwith. I do plan to do PT. The neurosurgeon would have to order it, but I'm sure she will. It would sure make sense. I really want to work at get stronger. I want to take this very seriously. I have to if I want to remain independent and if I want to heal. This kind of healing, seeing myself succeed in gaining physical strength, will also heal my spirit. It will give me peace. It will just be good. Period.

I laughed with a friend today saying that many people in their 50's are looking at sport's cars but that I am drooling over this walker. I thought that was funny, but I am doing that. I saw this walker with 4 wheels, brakes, a seat to sit on, and even an optional basket. That is right up my alley. I am going to go look at this walker just to check it out. I think it will be good to have in certain situations. I can move, so I don't want one you have lift or scoot like I see some people use. I want one that will glide me along. I will test it out, of course, it could get dangerous with the 4 wheels maybe. It might not be as functional as I'm thinking, but we'll see. If I'm walking OK and just need a bit of stability, I'd think I'd want one that wheeled along nicely. We'll see. I just think it's funny I'm drooling over walkers. And, I may not need one all of the time necessarily, but you never know.

The people I wanted to take my Arabs (natural horse training people) are still interested in them and will take them as soon as they get their place ready for them. I'm so relieved. I'm going to be so sad as I had planned on outliving my Arabs. I planned on death do us part. I guess in a way it is. But I wanted me to be their last owner. But, I'm ready to let go. I'm glad I'm selling this place because it's going to break my heart to ever be in that barn and know one horse is no longer here. It will happen. Or maybe I'll be too tired to ever walk out to the barn again. Who knows. I just know it's going to be sad to see the empty buckets, the emtpy places. Such is life. Bitter and sweet. I cry as I type this, but I know it will be OK and that I am doing the best I can do for my sweet precious horses. I can't tell you how beautiful, sweet, innocent, and giving my Arabs are. If I may brag, I did very well with them. I think I really picked up on the PNH stuff, though I have so much more to learn and obtain. I mean, you learn it but it's different to apply it. You make mistakes but then you begin to figure it out. Anyway, I did quite well with them when I took the time. I wish I'd done more faster now to see how far I could go with them. But gosh, looking at the things I can and did do with them, we went far and I must have done it right at times because they really did good. But these people will do them good. I have to move on and so do they. I tell myself God designed these wondrous creatures that I know he loves and aches over if they're ever mistreated. So I believe that God will take care of my Arabs.

I'll keep my seniors for as long as possible, but then I have a good home with the promise of them retiring with other senior horses of my vets. He'll put them with his special seniors and they will be treated and fed very nicely. They will never be manhandled. That is what I said I wanted for them....an easy rest of their life and he promised that to them. I don't want anyone taking them...of course unless they were babied. Lucy as C.O.P.D. and you just can't ride her because of her breathing. You can ride her, but lightly and depending on things. Then my most special man in my life, my Joey. He turned out to be my soul. I need to get in as much time with this guy as I can. I love him with my whole heart. I don't know why or how we relate, but we do. But I have to believe he may feel a stud wherever he goes. Girls usually fall in love with him, so hopefully he'll have some sweet mares around. Of course, Lucy will be right there with him and she loves him a lot. But, all in time. I have not sold this place. I may not sell this place for a while. So, I may just have Joey and Lucy for some times. But whatever, I know I have them guaranteed an easy, well fed, well doctored rest of their life. I've done my best to take care of my passions: my 4 horses. Gosh this is making me snot and cry. It doesn't feel good. I've got to stop. This is when I sometimes wish it were just all over, I'd sold this place, horses on to their new places, me in my new place, and put it behind me. Run from it maybe? I don't know. I'm so tired of my heart breaking over this. I get tough on it sometimes, and then my emotions come thrusting through. Gosh I look forward to Heaven with no more hurts. I just have to believe that God will recreate my horses and we'll be together in Heaven. Whatever I believe, I do trust God. He created these creatures. He loves them. You just look how he designed them and you see God's love in them. There is no way that God would not take care of them. In Armageddon or whatever, the final judgment, God rides in on a white horse. You can't tell me there will not be horses in Heaven. No way. Yes, God loves horses and all of his animals. They will be OK. OK, I feel better.

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I met a lady, Joanne, at Mardel's in 2006. She had breast cancer, the mother of 5 children. She lived over around 135th and State Line. She was a Christian. I was on an email list she had where she kept people posted of her journey with breast cancer, fighting it, and she witnessed. She talked of God and her faith. She was something else. She was very intelligent in nutrition and health stuff. She was a class or semester away from having a degree in nutrition even. She combined a lot of treatments to battle her cancer. I won't go into it and I sort of wonder had she done aggressive traditional from the onset would she have been better off. She died a few days ago. Her cancer had spread and she was having more chemo. She was also doing chinese herbs and other stuff. Something happened with her liver, detoxifying, and whatever. I sort of wonder. Who knows. But I bring her up mainly because of the legacy she left behind. Her husband shared her obituary via the email list. I could not believe all she did. She was very involved in her church. She is one well God will say she was a faithful servant. It really makes me feel so inadequate because I could never do all that she did. She did it so humbly, too. Her faith musings in her emails were so humble and yet bold. She brought up very good thought-provoking things. She talked so wonderful about God. Joanne was special. I'm glad she was someone that crossed my path in this life. Just about 10 days before she died, she'd emailed me telling me that she is praying and thinking about me and she gave me a contact of someone who had myeloma. She was about others, that is for sure. May you be dancing and praising Jesus in Heaven right now, Joanne. Bless you for all that you were to all that you met.

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Wow. What a day. What a thought-process I'm in. That was hard. Well, that is it for today. Boring. Crazy. Whatever. But that is me....today anyway.

Update on Not So Good Day

2008-06-12T00:14:00.003-05:00

It's midnight now, but I had to update to say that at about 9:00pm, I began to feel good again. Thank the good Lord! I relaxed, watched Men In Tree's, then read some Scripture and the next thing I knew, my headache is all gone! God is so good.

I just finished Hebrews tonight and felt that God was speaking right to me. I have needed to feel that as I was not feeling it lately and it bothered me. I was worried I was doing something wrong. But tonight in my reading, He spoke right to me. I wanted so bad to note it here and share it, but now I feel so inadequate on how to explain what I felt compelled to share. It talked of Faith in What We Don't See. "The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everthing that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd." (Message) I read lots about other's faith and all they did: Noah, Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Rahab, Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, Israel, Joseph, the Jericho thing. There are so many prophets and others in Scripture that had such pure faith, giving up worldly wealth and success to simply follow God's will. Look what Moses gave up to lead the Israelites??? What faith! Do we have this kind of faith today? I don't think I do....I'm trying. That is why I'm in Scripture and why I think tonight's reading is helping me. I've been praying for my faith and then here it is right here in all these examples that Scripture is giving me. These simple people who often had a better worldly seeming opportunity, but instead, gave that up to follow their faith in what God called them to do! I'm going to be OK. My faith has been strengthened. I have pioneers in front of me to lead me to a stronger faith. If I can have but an ounce of their faith, I can succeed.

I'm quoting from a version called the Message. It's not meant as a 'study version' so much as it is for "new bible readers." I got it for the fun of it and I've heard reputable people refer to it at times. But even the author of The Message version said to not use it as a 'study bible' but rather as an introduction to understanding and/or reading Scripture if you're completely new. Then after reading it, to get a good study version from a reputable translation. My opinion if new would be the NIV or my personal favorite, The New Living Translation. But either way, I am just reading some things in the Message version.

But this part really inspired me. It's in Hebrews, Chapter 12 where Paul talks about the race. The Message version is sort of funny, but it's to the point.

"Discipline in a Long-Distance Race" "Do you see what this means---all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running--and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasiteic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed -- that exhilarating finish in and with God--he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! In this all-0ut match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through--all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you has his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline; but don't be crushed by it either. It's the child he loves that he disciplines, the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out." (Message)

There was so much more, but this spoke to me tonight. I've been praying for strengthened faith. I was not loosing my faith, but it was not flourishing and feeding me lately. I felt empty and short in my faith. My reading tonight inspired me and I hope maybe this helps you.

I risk, I know, quoting from the Message version, especially if you are not a bible-reader. But I take the chance. I've been trying to study up on Scripture and how or when it was written, and just stuff. I am so yet uneducated and what I read and somewhat comprehend, I cannot intelligently relay. All I can say is that Scripture is proven. It's the only historical writing that has not been altered. Yes, it's been translated in many different languages from it's original writing in Hebrew, Aramic, and is it Greek?? But the concept and meaning has remained intact quite well. I've been readind Lee Stroebel's "The Case For Christ" where he was an athiest and a very well-known journalist, attorney, researcher, etc. He set out to prove Jesus was not the Son of God and he looked into the Scriptures and stories, etc., looking for falsehoods. Lee is a believer now. He gave examples of historical writings where there is only one copy and we take it as fact of history, but here there are thousands of copies of the NT in existence, and they all back up...and still people try to find fault. Everything in the bible has been proven, archeologically, things written that were also written in other historical documents, etc. Jesus' miracles and I guess most of all his resurrection....my gosh...how can no one take the bible literally? I sure wish I could address this intelligently, but all I can say is that...Scripture is very real. It is God's Word. It is your chance at eternal life with God. Please do not miss out on this. You won't have a second chance. Eternity is a very long time and you only have this chance. Don't blow it.

OH, I did not mean to preach. Something just inspires me tonight to place that above stuff here, so I am obedient. God is working on me. I'm so glad He's here. I feel safe and OK. How did I ever survive without this personal relationship with Him? I was so lost. Oh, but now I've been found.

On another note for tonight........

I even went outside with flashlight and walked all around the house, garage, and yard calling and calling for Mandy. I feel better that I tried at least. It's supposed to rain tonight and I hate to think of her somewhere laying in the rain.

There was no blood or fur. I still keep thinking that her leg might just be bruised real bad. She is such a flighty and scrounger sort of dog that maybe she is working it off and will do that wild-type healing animals sometimes do and will return to the porch, even if with a bad limp. If she returns and is limpy at all, I'm having the vet come get her. I will not spare expense on this. I am not going to allow her to suffer if I can help it at all. Poor Mandy. Looking back, perhaps I should not have gone on. I just thought she would be OK and be here when I returned. I knew she'd be hard to get, but I never thought she'd leave. Oh that dog!!!

Well, I'm going to read the book of James before I go to bed. Just wanted to log that I feel so much better now. I hate my leg weakness. It's really hard to walk and balance, but I think it's still those steroids. I will do exercises tomorrow for sure.

I didn't mention it earlier, but a sweet friend from church visited me today and brought me cake. I haven't eaten the cake yet, but I thought she was so nice to visit. She will probably visit me routinely for the next 8 weeks while her grandson is on some schedule and she has time. It will be a nice girl-talk time I figure. I have such good friends and family.

Oh...I can't wait for my regular breakfast. I'm still so into those breakfasts of mine!

Not So Good A Day, But Tomorrow Will Be Better

2008-06-11T18:40:00.002-05:00

The worst part of today is that I ran over my dog, Mandy. I think I only ran over her front right paw, but I can't be sure. I can not find her now.

I've never had to worry about one of my dogs or cats under my car. They always get out from under the car. I went to my car, started it, and sat there for a while even before backing out. I was on my way to get my handicap plates. I don't remember if I felt running over her or what, but as I was backing out, I heard the yelping. Once I backed up far enough, she was standing up yiping and sort of holding her right front leg. Then she quickly ran up to my porch, not on it, just in front of it. Then she ran under the porch. I know Mandy and she was not going to come out.

I didn't feel that good anyway and was really pushing myself to do this errand so I sat there for a second and tried to reason that she'll settle down and just have a sore paw. There was not any blood and she did make it to the porch. Mandy is one of the flight-type dogs, so she gets squirelly when she's scared. I decided to go on and see what she was like when I returned. If she was hurt in any way upon return, I would have my vet come here and get here, as they do that type of stuff in emergencies. She would be worth it. I would not let her suffer at any expense.

I got my plates. The lady at the place even went outside, removed my old plates and put my new ones on. I could not believe she provided me that service. She did not have to. There are nice people in this world, aren't there?

I was not gone all that long. Upon returning home, there is no Mandy. I looked under the porch and I sure could not see here. I hobbled around the house once, calling her. No Mandy. Every once in a while I call outside for her. No Mandy so far. I know when animals get hurt and especially when they know they're going to die, they go off to themselves. I certainly do not want Mandy to go suffer and die by herself. There's nothing I can do if I can not find her. I just need to pray, hope, and wait and see. I've done all that I can do. It's hard because I've been thinking I may have to even find a new home for her if I sell this place, have to move, and can't take her. Then here I go and run over her. I know it was an accident and I know it was a fluke because I have never ever had to worry about a dog and my car. Mandy just does not do that. Something was amiss for this to happen.

I have had a headache since last night. It feels like the type of headache you get when you have high blood pressure. I don't usually have high blood pressure, but when I'm in pain and discomfort I've had it. Also, sometimes my medicine will do it, especially the steroids. I think I'd hit my limit with the steroids more than anything plus my medicines have been adjusted. So maybe I'm just adjusting. Plus, yesterday was probably a little too big a day for me. I did push myself today to get the plates, but I'm glad I did, other than running over Mandy.

Gosh, thinking about it, had I not pushed myself to go get my plates, I may not have run over Mandy.

I ate when I got home. I ate too much. I lay down for an hour, but I didn't rest well. It's nearly 7pm now and I've bathed and am in bed. I think I'll be turning out of here and I'm going to really relax early tonight. I think it will help my head. I just need to relax and settle down.

My legs were extra weak today, but I think it's just because I'm so tired and yesterday was big. Plus...these darned steroids. It has to get better. I think tomorrow will be better. I've had so many good and progressing days, so maybe I was due one bad day. And even though it was bad regarding Mandy and not feeling well, I did get something accomplished: handicap plates.

Back to the Basics

2008-06-10T21:35:00.004-05:00

I've decided I'm back to the simple things. Dial and Ivory soap on a wash rag and Johnson's Baby Powder. You don't feel any cleaner than that!

When I was in the hospital I had a private room with a shower. It was really nice and clean and convenient. They gave me nice white wash rags, several towels, Dial soap, Johnson's Baby Shampoo, Lotion, Oil, and Baby Powder. I learned to really enjoy those hot showers in my hospital room. I loved getting all cleaned up and lotioned and powdered. I found that you can't beat those Johnson Baby products and good old Dial soap.

Now I have some other soaps at home, probably Caress, Olay, and the like. I'll use them all up. But once I do, I'm going to Ivory and Dial. I have lots of Bath & Body Works lotion and soap yet. I'll use it and it's fine. But for now, I'm liking just the basic clean. It feels so refreshing for a change.

*********
I saw Dr. Deauna, oncologist today. I've decided I like her better than any of the doctors I've had and I am so glad that I did not give up on her. It was just an adjustment, but she has proved herself to be a good and caring doctor. I just had to learn how to communicate myself. It's not all that important as far as to they why's and how's I came to this I guess, but it's just important that I made the effort to understand and be open to her before I gave up. It would have been a mistake for sure.

Dr. Deauna explained about my back but I'm not sure I can reexplain it that well. There's that one spot just at my T8. I had radiation from my T7-T9. If the radiation alone had caused the damage, the damage would appear in that entire area and it would have happened earlier. The doctors think that the damage is probably due to the radiation, but it was a 'stroke' that occurred in my cord. That is why it's only in the T8 area. It's irreversible as far as they say, but I know God can do anything he wants. I'm open to whatever and in the meantime I just adjust.

On 6/26/08 I have an MRI and see the neurosurgeon. Dr. Deauna is having me have special lab work that day also to check on my MM. We're hoping my MM does not start acting up so that I can adjust to this for a while before I have to start on treatment again. All the treatments cause more side effects, such as neuropathy I'm already suffering with. Ugggg. My numbers were starting to creep up, but my protein is too low to measure. Let's just pray I'm stable for a while anyway.

Dr. Deauna is taking me off of the steroids. HOORAY! I decrease to 4mg two times a day for a week, then 4mg one time a day for a week and I'm done. She's increasing my Neurontin (Gabapentin) for the neuropathy..up to 300mg three times a day. I've been taking 100mg three times a day. In the hospital the neurologist put me on Cymbalta for the neuropathy pain. My insurance does not cover it for one thing, but I also do not need an antidepressant. Dr. Deauna said the Gabapentin is the same thing, well, it will do what I need to do for the PN...don't need the Cymbalta.

I wish I could change pain medicine, but with Medicare D, I'm limited. We think the Morphine Sulfate I'm taking might be some of the reason for me not feeling to pee very well. I'm getting a little better I think. I wish I could still take the Oxycodone (generic for Oxycontin). Something about the FDA and they're taking the Oxcodone off of the market. It was covered and cheap. Oxycontin is too expensive. I'd hit that donut hole in a heartbeat. Dr. Deauna was going to suggest these Fentenly patchs, but they are expensive too. Medicare D is not good. Maybe if I ever get out of here and in a better budget, I'll be able to manage this better and not have to worry so much about my medicines. Of course, I'll be forking out money the last few months of the years on medicines I'm sure.

Anyway, it should be somewhat better getting off of these steroids. At least I won't be breaking down my large muscle mass. That is so tough.

Oh, and the physical therapists do want to come here in person Friday for the Exit Interview. Dennis won't come, but the girl in training, Perri, and another girl will come. See, I will be a guinea pig for training Perri. That is fine. I can give them an hour of my time.

Well, I'm exhausted. It's good to be all cleaned up, powdered, and in bed. I started out going to the Post Office to mail letters and pick up stamps. I drove to my appointment which takes about an hour. Then I drove to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. I stopped by the store and then got gas since it was $3.79 per gallon at the station on the corner.

Tomorrow I hope to get my handicap license plates and a tag for my mirror. When I went to the pharmacy and store tonight I almost drooled over the available handicap places I could not legally use. I was so tired and sure would have appreciated the convenience.

Still, to think this is me. I am the one who preferred to park way out in the lot to not only protect my car, but just to have ease of getting in and out of my car without a car next to me. I never minded walking across the parking lot. And now I'm looking forward to handicap parking spaces. You just never know how your needs and preferences can change. It's a funny thing.

I still have not walked out to the barn. It's been four weeks at least. My barn cats have just had to brave it up to the porch. There was an old black Tommy and a skiddish little girl in the barn. I hope they are OK. I have not touched one of my horses in over 4 weeks. That is horrible. See, I'm in a very different state. I'm sure it will get better in some ways, but I sure am in a different state. I never thought it would come this far. But, it's still fresh. I'm still trying to regain strength. I will be off of these steroids soon and hopefully feel stronger.

Uneventful

2008-06-09T15:18:00.003-05:00

You know my life is uneventful as long as I'm posting here everyday. It gives me something to do, even for a short while.

I am doing really good. I feel better all the way around. I'm adjusting to this new and strange feeling in my body. I also am holding onto hope that things will and can improve. It's too soon to give up. When I ask myself whether I'm better than the day before the answer is 'yes', so that is enough reason to hang onto hope.

Dennis, the PT guy, came by today. I'm happy to say that it went better than I'd expected. He added a few more exercises and suggestions. He thought I was doing great and said that he'll talk with his partner, but that they may just do a phone-exit-interview on me Friday. Only other thing he might do is try to come out with this other lady who is in training. I think if they do that, that they are just using me as a guinea pig to assist with this other lady's training. I hope not. I am tired of sacrificing my time and body out for other people's jobs.

In a week or so I have another MRI and see the neurologist (or neurosurgeon). I see one and the other in the next month and I forget the difference. In any event, they will evaluate what I need to do as far as any more therapy, etc. I am considering some PT at a local place. It is worth a try if it helps, but I am not going to waste my time in fulfilling other's jobs when there's really not all that value-added for me. My goal is to gain strength, be safe, independent, etc. If I'm getting myself around and doing what I need to do at home, what is an appointment elsewhere? I do stuff. I do my stuff at home and enjoy it. I make use of my time well in that sense, as I even did leg exercises while waiting at the doctor's office the other day. When the PT in the hospital gave me exercises to do in bed, I did them in bed. I still do them in bed now. I do the ones Dennis gave me several times a day. I enjoy it and see the rewards. So, unless I'm really gaining value from going to PT at a place, I won't waste my time. I do think I should check it out, though. I may get more out of it than I think, so I won't close my mind to it. I've just never enjoyed public fitness places all that much. If I were rich, I'd have my own exercise room. That's my style. I always liked running/walking alone. That is just me. Private but intense in my exercise. Also, PT will only last for so long. You don't do it the rest of your life. It would only be prescribed to get me going. I definitely want to take advantage of everything available to me. I'd be fool not to, especially if I want to remain independent. I'm just sounding this out.

When you get in a position like this, you come across so many users and things where you are just a number, people just going through the drills. There's a process and people just robotically go through that process....just because. I've sacrificed so much by permitting that. I don't have time for that. I'll do it sometimes, but I'm not a number. I'm an individual. I can't be everything to everyone who needs a job or whatever. I have to think for me.

Still on my breakfast kick of Rice Krispies, bananna's, toasted plain bagel with plain cream cheese, and coffee/cream/sugar. Today I added thinly sliced strawberries to my cereal, too. I look so forward to that breakfast. I wonder if I'll ever get tired of it. I don't see how I could.

The day before I have my coffee all ready. I used to do it the night before, but now when I clean up my coffee pot, I find myself doing it as early as 2pm!! The next morning I wake up around 7am, take my 7am meds, let the dogs out, turn on the coffee pot, and get back in bed. I usually turn on the TV (FoxNews) and rest some, even falling back to sleep. It takes the coffee a while to perk...slow maker. I could set it to automatically start, but just in case I want it later, I don't want to be committed.

Then, I usually get up around 8 or even 9...a whole 2 hours later, but not always. I pour my coffee and take a sip, get the bagels toasting in the toaster oven (have had a year+ but should have gotten years ago..I love it), pour my cereal and cut up bananna/fruit real thin, and just get it all ready. I carry it all in the front room in front of the TV and eat and watch the morning news and enjoy alternate bites of cereal, bagel, and good sips of coffee. YUMMMMMY. I'm feeling very spoiled and blessed for that time in the morning. So simple yet so soothing. It just doesn't take much for me.

Then I go make my bed, shower, and get around...journaling, reading Scripture, exercising, etc. What a life. I'm doing what I've always wanted to do all these years when I had to drive way over to the rat race every day. It's sad when you think that I think this is better than what I did when I was "healthy". That says something about my lack of right priorities, that is for sure. But, I made decisions in life and I paid the consequences and they all got me right here....finally...content with exactly where I'm at, no matter what the challenges. It's a strange life.

Boy, I think I'm really opening up in this journal. It feels weird. It's a true 'diary' now I think. It's a silly thing, I think. I have always had a journal, all of my life. I have tossed several out because I was afraid of blackmail. I told everything in them. Well, everything about "me" and not others in my diaries. I'm glad I tossed them. They were juicy. :) If I write this as an adult, could you imagine my diaries as a teenager? Wow.

I must comment here about how I'm still in shock as to what has happened and is happening to me. I just can't believe this is "me" now. I was so fit and physically able. I never thought I'd be this much a handicapped person! It's scary and yet not. I don't know why or how I have such a trust in the Lord and faith He'll see me through. I know He will. I'm not really frightened, but maybe weary at times, just hoping I'll not be too much more a burden than what I've already been to my family. Oh, they are supportive and don't make me feel a burden. But I've been there, done that. Life is everyone's own burden. We each have own loads, then that of our family, then there's extended family: me. I am blessed to have so much love and support, but I hate the burden I know I've been at times.

That is why I know I'm at the place where I need to simplify and move to a nice little assisted living place. It will be easier on us all and I just know in my heart, it is the right thing to do. I feel excited about it. It's the season. I have loved it here in the country. At one time I'd hoped I'd even die here. But it's not the way. I had my season here and I've loved every blade of grass, every bird that graced my yard, just everything. I've often walked around my yard in the dark thanking God aloud for this humble abode I call home. I've loved it. When I first got my horses especially I'd go outside and stand with them in the dark and talk to God and them. I have thoroughly enjoyed this place.

But now, I'm ready to move on. It's exciting in it's own way. I am lucky to have options. I hope they work out, but then the Lord will handle it. He'll set it all out as it's supposed to happen. I just need to try to be still and listen. Patience has never been one of my virtues, but I'm praying for patience and wisdom now. God is good. God be with us all.

Sunday, Home Day #9

2008-06-08T17:36:00.003-05:00

I've been home 9 days after being in the hospital 12 days. I was 12 days completely in bed, and now recuperating. I think I'm doing OK. I think I've made progress.

I didn't go to church today. I just can't muster that up yet. I did go to the grocery store, two times. I got home with a new bag of bread to make a sandwich, and it had mold all the way through. I was frustrated and so returned it right away. I was very tired, but I mustered the determination and energy to do it. I needed white bread. No, I wanted white bread.

I thought about walking out to the barn, but after two trips to the store, loading and unloading groceries, I didn't have it in me. Not yet. Besides, my left ankle is a little sore; maybe a little too much walking, lifting, and steps. Nothing hurt, just sore. I'll be resting it soon.

I colored my hair today. I went for a dark brown. It look black right now, sort of yucky, but this stuff fades, so it will be fine. I really don't care all that much. I'm just glad to hide the dingy gray coming through.

I'm dreading Dennis, the physical therapist, tomorrow. More than anything, because I don't know when he'll be calling and coming over. Probably late morning. But, this will most likely be the last home visit, so I'll just get it over with.

I will probably try physical therapy in town versus a place a bit farther away. I want convenience. Also, I want to look for some comfy shoes with big round and spaceous toe space. I find it much easier to walk with regular shoes on versus any kind of slip-ons. Now I will be one of those people with 'special shoes' but again, I don't care.

So, funky black hair and special shoes. That is the new me! :)

My Exciting Life

2008-06-07T19:30:00.003-05:00

Ya, it's me again, Margaret. My life is so exciting that I just write about my daily baths and meals. :) Well, they are exciting. Each day is such an accomplishment, especially now.

Adam came down today to check out my leaks, etc. I was thrilled when he remarked that I'm doing "much better" than when he brought me home. He thought I was getting around a lot better. Now THAT made me feel GREAT! I am improving! I knew I was, but it was good to hear it from someone else.

Today I exchanged my new printer/fax/scanner machine. While Adam worked on caulking my window and all, I moved the old one out and new one in. They're light, just awkward, but I did it! I even got the new software up and fax working. Loading was slow and one time I'd done the wrong thing and had to undo and redo, so that took longer. But by the end of the day, I'm back in business. I am not technical, so it's always exciting when I can do something like that on my own. I hate doing that stuff, but you do what you have to do...when you have to do it.

Ron, my vet who is back-up for my horses came by to check on me. I was glad he did. He's a great vet and friend and has been very supportive of me always, especially through this. What a wonderful family he & his wife are! Anyway, he gave me hope. He's very smart about illnesses given he's a Vet plus I think because he's had illness in his family with his brother and dad. He just seems to know a lot about the human body. Maybe you learn that in Vet school, who knows. Anyway, Ron told me that it's too soon and that nerves can do funny stuff and that they heal slowly. I've heard that before, but he said that he thinks there can be some good changes. He told me to not give up yet. I don't know. He could have a good point. I don't want to give up hope. I keep saying things will get better. But given Ron's seen nerve damage, etc., and improvements, I'll hold on to that. It's just that when I asked the doctors about reversing, they all said they'd not seen it. They weren't being pessimistic, they were just being honest.

Nevertheless, I am hanging on to hope. I continue to think of that lady in the news right when I went into the hospital, who was dead for 17 hours. Her family were making funeral arrangements and rigamortus (sp?) had set in. She came back to life!!!! I keep thinking if God can work that miracle, if it's in His good plans for me, He can cause my nerves to regenerate.

I have forgotten all about my cancer. My numbers were OK before, though there was some inching up in my M-spike and IGG. Who cares now? I wonder what will happen through all this if I need to go on some kind of treatment? More side effects. Oh well. I'll deal with that IF it comes along. God always provides.

In the meantime I'm enjoying the small pleasures. I always worked so hard. I hated leaving for work every day. I love home. I LOVE it. I never get bored just being home. I love being with my pets, my books, my pc. I love being cleaned up and cuddled in bed reading and watching my FoxNews. I'm doing all that. I'm not gardening and not sure I'll attempt that like I thought I would. But still, there's these pleasures. Relaxing. Something I never was able to do all these years. Home. Relax.

I'm still having my cereal with banannas and toasted bagels & cream cheese with coffee/cream/sugar for breakfast. I just love that breakfast for some reason.

I had a baked potato with sour cream, butter, and cheese tonight. Another thing the hospital made really well: baked potatoes. I need new potatoes now, though. Mine are old and tasteless now.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the store again. I already need more milk (just got 4 half-gallons but four days ago??) See, I do love my milk. Well, I think I have one half-gallon and then a little of another one. But, I can go through it in a day, easy.

I'm making myself hungry. I may have to make a chicken sandwich from the Price Chopper rotiserrie chicken and a big glass of milk. I like mayo and sweet pickles on my chicken sandwich. Yummy. I'm spoiling myself something rotten. And....I think these steroids are helping my appetite.

What a life. ;)

Another Good Day!

2008-06-06T18:11:00.003-05:00

I went to my annual female appointment today with no problems. I also stopped by Walmart and by Price Chopper on the way home. Oh, I move slow and all that, but I am making it.

It's 6:15pm and I'm washed, powedered, and cuddled up in bed. This is my favorite time, just relaxing in bed a few hours before I turn lights out. The fan is blowing, FoxNews is on in the background, poodle is asleep next to me. Nice.

Since I've been in the hospital, I've come upon some favorite meals. Often in the hospital I had the breakfast that I've had every day since I've been home:

cereal (Rice Krispies usually, or Raisin Bran) with a bananna thinly sliced. If strawberries available, sliced strawberries, too...with milk of course.
A toasted plain bagel with regular cream cheese. (I never used to toast bagels, but they're delicious warm..the cream cheese sort of melts...so good.)
Coffee with cream & sugar.

I LOVE this breakfast as of late! I've had it every day since I've been home.

I have also been snacking on a mixture of cottage cheese, yogurt, and some kind of granola-like cereal. It's a healthy and filling snack.

My niece purchased me a Price Chopper baked chicken. It was so good, tender, and moist. I had sandwiches on it all week. I bought one today. I don't think I'll ever bake my own chicken again. For the price, ease, and taste, it was great and lasted me nearly all week.

At night I sometimes snack on Orval Reddenbocker's Movie Theater Popcorn and I pour come carmel in a bowl, warm it, and dunk the popcorn in it every other bite. Yummy.

My older sis got me to thinking about 'other' lunch meats. I'm not a big lunch meat eater, but on vacation she had some hard salami plus swiss cheese. I've been eating that combination with mustard. Another good treat.

Either sis or neice got me watermelon cut up. I ate it all. Nothing went to waste! Now had I got these groceries, I bet it would have spoiled! But, I have eaten it all up!! It went far!

Someone got me bbq chips and frito's. I love fritos. I rarely if ever buy bbq, but I have actually enjoyed bbq for a change.

So, out of this I've come upon some new 'eats.' It's nice for some change. Maybe you should think about having someone else do your grocery shopping for you. Others come up with new and different stuff than the same ole same ole.

I'm eating very good, heh?

I'm still numb and uncomfortable, but I'm learning to deal with it better. The more movement I do and probably drinking lots of water will do me better. I'm drinking water but I'm sure I should drink more. I'm going to have to be very conscious about getting to the restroom on time.

I do have concerns what the future will hold as far as going to the bathroom for me. This is a new deal and I don't like it once bit. Take that function away or disable it and you'll see what I mean. It runs the show!

I guess there are things people have to do. I've heard some people have to put a catheter in themselves occasionally and empty themselves! A nurse told me that! I told her I didn't think I could ever do that, but she said 'you'd be surprised. People do it all of the time!' I've never heard of that!

Then the other number. Well. I suppose there's that 'bag' one wears. I'm sure if I ever have to consider that, it's a ways off. Even so, I'll do what I have to do I suppose. It will beat poddying my pants. Bob Hope had one of those bags, my grandma did, and I know others who have them.

Oh, please know I'm not saying I'm going to need one. I'm just anticipating what the worse outcome can be for me with this numbness and all. I'm just trying to be a good girl scout and be prepared for whatever may come my way. There are still so many things worse than what is happening to me.

Speaking of how things are, I am so blessed. I have so many wonderful Christian lady friends!! I've received cards of prayer and support and I am just humbled and happy. To know these ladies are praying for me, some specifically meeting one day at church just to pray for ME!! Wow! Now is that not a good God? Is that not good Christian friends? I am so blessed that I have the Christian lady friends in my life; that they became a part of my life and brought me closeer to Jesus and taught me how important it is to have a relationship with God versus "religion." Religion is just "do's and don't's" and really man's method in a sense. But it's about your relationship with God, that intimate relationship with him. Knowing Him. Talking to Him. Not only believing in Him, but believing Him. To know His Word. To go to His Word rather to man for guidance. Oh, there's so much I'd missed out on before knowing Jesus like I do now. I used to think people were nutty when they were so obsessed with God!! That is pure Satan. He'd have you feel that way. Why are we so scared or intimidated or made to feel weird if we want to express how much we love Jesus, want to do His ways, want to know Him better, etc? Why is it OK to cheer and romp regarding sports and politics but be hush-hush about God?

No, I don't agree with it being politically incorrect or any of that stuff. It's all about eternity; God is real. There's no political correctness here. Oh if I were intelligent enough to express what I'm trying to say. I was so naive and ignorant regarding the Bible, Scripture, etc. My religion never really taught from the bible. I used to hear people say "a bunch of men just wrote the bible" and had some impression it'd been rewritten and falsified. No, it has not. It's the same book as it always was. It's been tranlated in different languages, but the story is the same story. There's no big falsehoods, but without my learning all this, I could have been so misled. So confused. So uneducated. I still am uneducated, but I have such a greater understanding now. From what I' learning and have learned, I just can't see how people can turn away from the Bible!! It's like when Moses was leading the Israelites out of Egypt and we hear they had a cloud to follow in the day and a fire or something leading them at night--we think, 'how could they ever turn away from God and faith with that obvious a sign?' I mean, really, if you had that sort of thing in sight, how could you not have faith? Well, it's the same thing today, I suppose. No matter how obvious God and Scripture might be, there will be those with hardened hearts, and nothing will open their eyes. It terrifies and saddens me. I worry about those I love. Whom I to say what they believe or whatever? But I just know...I want my loved ones to share eternity with God. Eternity. That is a long time to spend in hell.

OK...this journal is about "healing my spirit and soul" - so you have to expect I'm going to get off on this type of thing once in a while, right? It's just on my mind...and that's the job of a journal...to log down your thoughts..spontaneously. I'm really exposing myself here tonight I guess. I don't know who reads this who knows me. I have an idea of a few and they won't be surprised. But oh well, it's sort of freeing to just express and wonder whose ears and eyes it may fall upon. As always, I just hope it's enjoyable, interesting, and maybe curbs the boredom??? Most of all, maybe my weird mind process will help someone else...with something.

Speaking of helping, let me just say that it is important to do what doctors etc. tell you to do. That is, I'm taking as seriously as I can doing those exercises the Physical Therapists have told me to do and it really helps. I believe that is a reason why I'm feeling better and becoming stronger. Slowly but surely I'm gaining strength. And that is impressive considering the steroids I'm taking. I'm taking 4mg three times a day. That doesn't sound like a lot, but it is. My face is already fat from the steroids and they're breaking down my large muscle mass but I'm combatting it and succeeding.

I was relieved that driving was not difficult at all. My legs and reactions are fine with breaks, etc. Of course I have always been a very defensive and alert driver. I anticipate things, esepcially I consider any different feelings and sensations in my body. I think that helps. My hardest problem is when sitting down and getting up, my thigh muscles are weak. But they're getting stronger.

When Ligthing Strikes!!

2008-06-05T13:04:00.003-05:00

Can you believe it? Yes, lightning struck my home the other night, I think it was Tuesday pm. I was reading in bed and suddenly a big crack sounded like it was in my bedroom. I heard something like plastic knock. It turned out that this splicer or whatever thing coming out of my phone line in my bedroom had popped open and was all burnt inside. No phone.

Today the phone guy came out and fixed everthing. I lost one phone and my printer/fax machine though. It could have been way worse. The lightning hit my box outside I guess and just traveled down the house. When the guy was here, all was fixed and I had a dial tone in all my phone outlets.

He left. Obviously my bedroom phone line is working because I'm on here. But the lines in my kitchen and kitchenette no longer give me a dial tone. I hope I'm not mistakeningly plugging things in, but I think I'm doing it the same way I did when he was here. So, luckily, Embarq is getting someone back here today even, between 3:15pm and 5:15pm. I am really impressed with their service, I must say. They may have fixed this yesterday even if I'd been more clear when the guy called to tell me that there was flooding down the road where their lines were. I failed to tell him about my 'blow out' in the house which would indicate my problem was more than flooded lines.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll be fixed soon. My calls go directly to my Sprint messaging but my phone doesn't ring in the house. I have to call this 800# every so often to see if anyone's left me a message. It's a pain with the doctor calls and appointments I'm getting. BUT...I do have internet. I am ashamed how hooked I am to internet and phone access.

Yesterday Dennis, the Home Health Physical Therapist came by. He gave me some exercises to do and said something about he could strengthen me from where I am now. He said that I (we) should be constantly moving 10-15 minutes of every waking hour. Not that stop-and-go stuff, but a constant movement for the 10-15 minutes. That's a good goal I think and will be worth the effort.

Yesterday I was more tired and yucky sort of feeling, but I also think some was the irritation with my phone and oh ya, a new leak. I'm sure the leak will be an easy fix, just something new to take care of...well...for poor Adam. I just hate that.

Anyway, today I felt better. Like on Day #4 when I was excited, it is good to have these good days as they are encouraging and give me lots of hope. The poopy days can get discouraging, but thank goodness poopy days are only for a day.

I don't know what my future or near future will hold. I'm begging off some of my volunteer things at church. I've enjoyed them so much, but right now it's all I can do to function at home every day and then there's doctor appointments I must prepare myself for. I can do it, it just takes my focus, energy, and preparation. I don't think I can add my volunteer stuff to my needs right now. I will have to see what the next few weeks bring, but so far I've covered things. I may feel stronger in a few weeks, but I know my limits. New chapter maybe.

I don't want to miss the phone guy, but I'm toying with trying to walk to the barn. It will be a first in 4 weeks. It just depends. I know I can do it. It's just hot and windy. I don't want to miss out on the phone guy. That kind of of stuff making me stay in. I probably should just sit on the porch and enjoy the fresh outdoors.

In prayer yesterday something came to me. It's been coming to me often in prayer in the past few weeks. It's focusing totally on God versus these helpless physical feelings. It's like He's telling me to take my focus off of myself and to put it elsewhere. It sounds so easy maybe, but it's not. How do you focus on what God wants you to do when you are struggling with the every day functions of showering, eating, feeding pets, taking care of home, etc? I mean, I'm doing OK, but it's another little journey here adjusting to this 'new me'. So, how is God going to use me? Maybe this is just between Him and me right now. While I'm reading Scripture and all, honestly, I noticed I'm not 'talking' to him...personally. I need to do that. Maybe that is what He's trying to teach me. To get more personal with him. I've done it before, but it's not a one-time thing. Distractions happen. I've become distracted. I know you have to work on it, like any worthwhile relationship. I need to humble myself and open myself up to him...again. He always, always touches me when I do that.

I think I will set outside in the fresh air. I will bring a book and maybe even a sketch pad. I don't draw, but I like to try sometimes. I think I'll do something different. Enjoyable. And I hope to stop, get quiet, hear, listen, and have a good conversation with my sweet Lord.

Day #4 UPDATE

2008-06-03T16:47:00.003-05:00

I had to log in to say that I did it: I went to the store! I mailed a bill, picked up mail, and went by the store. Truthfully, I was and am no worse off than the last time I went to the store some almost 4 weeks ago. So this was just picking up where I left off. Even so, I was a bit surprised that I did so well.

I did drop a half-gallon of milk on my foot, though. Lesson learned. It gave way, so nothing harmed, but I will have to be careful. ;)

I'm all cleaned up now, have my milk (I have to have my milk!), nestled in bed and ready to read and relax for the evening. I feel like I gained a milestone today. It helped my confidence. Yes, I'm going to conquer this.

Day #4

2008-06-03T13:47:00.003-05:00

It's Day #4 since I've been home from the hospital. Considering how long I was immobile, I think I have improved a bunch. I felt more strength today, though showering, walking, etc. is still such a chore.

What I accomplished today that surprised me is that I emptied my trash plus put wild bird seed out in the feeders. As miniscule as that sounds, compared to how weak I've been, this is a big accomplishment, and only on Day #4.

When I think about it, I'm not a lot weaker than I was just before I went on vacation. I may be a tinge weaker due to laying around, but I'm gaining strength back.

I'm either adjusting better to the numbness in m private parts OR could I actually be regaining some sensation? I don't want to get my hopes up, but I just may be feeling a little more. Not a lot or enough, but I think some. I just don't know. It's amazing how one can adjust if you really try. Am I adjusting or am I feeling more? Time will tell.

In the next few hours I intend to go get milk, mail a bill, and pick up my mail. Now that will be a big step in a way. I'm lucky to live where I do with back country roads and close to town and stores.

Whew! This is Hard!

2008-06-01T14:49:00.003-05:00

I've been home since late Friday night. Since then I have done a lot. A lot. I've not been home for 3 weeks, so there was lots of things to catch up on. I did most of them. I did lots and lots of laundry. Unfortunately one of my cats did the ultimate no-no. I think between me being gone then my son's dog's visit, well, the cat retaliated.

This is not usual for my cat, so he is getting another chance. I just did not look forward to the clean-up. Cats. But I have grown to love and appreciate them. They're just so moody.

I'd say I've done at least 7 or 8 loads of laundry. I still have to remake my guest bed and fold a spare set of sheets, but other than that, all is washed, folded, and put away.

I need to rid myself of more clothes and books I'm thinking. OK, I'm finally convinced I will never return to work so I will get rid of my 'business book' I've kept. Lots of finance and human resource stuff. That will be several boxes of books.

I will get rid of cutsey shoes and heels. Also, lots of socks. Due to my numb feet, doctor said to wear only socks with no seams. I have oodles of socks. This is a good excuse to clean out a few drawers.

But today I'm relaxing in bed yet and it's nearly 3:00pm. Friday night, my first night home, I slept divinely. Last night I felt that steroid alert but I didn't fight it. I have learned to just go with hit, remain relaxed and keep my mind still. I don't feel like I fall into a sound sleep, but I know I am getting rest. Hopefully I won't be on steroids for too long a time.

Last night I had a delicious dinner in town with my sis and bro-in-law. I cleaned my plate and brought dessert home in which I devoured about 11:00pm. My appetite is great.

I think it was Joy who got me the chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I had that for lunch. I'm in a kick of cereal with banana and today added strawberries for breakfast. Plus, I had a plain bagel with plain cream cheese. I got hooked on that in the hospital and it's just good.

So far, I'm being fed just great! :)

I'm feeling a little frustrated with this yucky feeling of numbness. I think I could cope with the numbness better if it weren't for the weakness. I must be patient. The steroids also will once again break down leg muscle, so it's a battle. I won't get discouraged, but I just need to sound it out sometimes to remind myself what I'm up against. I know I'll regain strength of some kind with each day. This is only Day #2 after being away for 3 weeks. I've come a long way already.

I'm basically on "watch & wait". I get an MRI in 2-3 weeks with the neurosurgeon and then see a neurologist in July. I see my oncologist 6/10. As I understand, we can only assume this is delayed spinal cord damage from radiation 2 years ago. I'm on a maybe month-by-month watch to make sure I plateau as far as any change in symptoms such as if my numbness would move up my body. Let's pray I'm done with that. Let's pray some of this goes away. Oh I so hope so. This would be a horrible way to spend the rest of my life. I must be honest. This would be miserable.

But as I say that, I know there must be other people who suffer changes in physical sensations. Think of burn victims. It can always be so much worse.

Should I erase my whinings? Probably. But I won't. I keep thinking maybe someone else will go through something or is going through something similar, and maybe listening to my feelings will help. That is all I can hope for.

People think I'm so strong. Maybe I am. I certainly do not feel like I am. So you see, I'm letting others read my vulnerable, whiney, complaints. But I'm getting through it all. I will, too. We all feel weak. But we can overcome most anything, especially with God's grace.

I'm really working on just trusting Him. Trusting and believing that He will give me the strength and courage to get through this in a graceful and faithful way. A way that will encourage others and see what God will and can do for you and me. All we need to do is ask and He says we'll receive. Now I'm not saying that means everything will be healed and perfect; He has a good plan. His plan is what is best and is used for a good purpose. THAT is what remains to be seen.

I am just thankful that I know and love Him, my sweet God, so much. I know no matter what I may go through here, that I have been given a free and eternal salvation with Him with no more pain or suffering. Forever. That is a long time. I can endure anything here in this short breath of fleshly life. Forever with God, in a perfect and new Earth, is where I set my focus.

OK....there I go for now. I'm back to reading now. I'm on my 2nd to last book of that Left Behind series. It's been so interesting. I will miss being immersed in it once I complete it.

Checking Out

2008-05-30T17:01:00.003-05:00

It's Friday, 5/30/08, about 5:00pm. I'm being discharged today. Adam has some things to do tonight after work then he'll have to get me, drop me by pharmacy, and then home. Sister and neice have got some groceries waiting for me at home.

I'm left sort of with diagnosis by way of elimination and guessing. The doctors have done their best. It appears that the radiation I had done 2 years ago has caused some delayed damage to the nerves in my spine. This numbness is a new normal and I will just have to adjust. There are medications that may help. I'll have to focus on keeping up my strength.

I'll be on steroids again for a while, so they break down big muscles. That will be a little battle, but I'll do it.

After being in this nice, comfy, clean, and private room for nearly 2 weeks, I must admit it's a little scary leaving the security. If I were feeling stronger, it would be different I guess. But once I get home and back in my routine, I'm sure I'll be all fine again.

The MRI I had done yesterday did show some decrease in the edema (swelling) in my back. That is good news. Something still tells me I'll improve to at least a state better than what I am now. Hope. Always hope.

So, guess I'll just sit back in my hospital bed now and relax until dinner is served: my last meal in the hospital. That was nice. Even if the food is not so good, that it's fixed, delivered, and picked up makes it a treat.

So, goodbye to clean sheets every day, meals delivered, etc. Oh, but goodbye to 6:00AM pokes for blood! :)

Memorial Day Monday

2008-05-26T12:16:00.003-05:00

No real news so far. Being a holiday, it's quiet around here. I've already had 3 visits from doctors, though! Being a teaching hospital, there's lots of visits. That's OK. They are very nice here at KU Hospital.

So far the verdict is that I'm still a mystery. We're waiting on the neurologist's review of the last Petscan as well as the results of the MRI I'll have in the next few days to see if there's any changes since the last one, several days ago.

The thought now is that this spot on my T8 (Thoraicic 8 vertebrate) is not cancer (Myeloma), but rather dead nerves/blood vessels in my spinal cord. They think this can be a delayed resonse from the radiation treatment I had in 12/05 on the tumor. I had radiaiton on my T7, T8, and T9, but this spot is in my cord parallel with my T8. The PetScan did not show any "hot spots" which would indicate a tomor or activity, but rather just "cold spots" which indicates dead tissue.

So, looking like the neurologist will take care of this. I have Clonus pretty bad in my legs. One doctor says that there's ways they can medicate me to make it easier to cope. I imagine there'll be physical therapy that can help.

It's a shock at first. One doctor indicated I may not be able to drive any more. But it's really too early to speculate. There's arm controls for driving and there are people more helpless than me. Like I said in my other blog, I must focus on what I can do rather on what I can not do. This is just new, another new adjustment, another chapter, another new me.

I can still see, smell, taste, talk, and even walk though unsteady. I am more mobile than many people are. Let's just pray no further tissue damage occurs, but it's in His hands and He will give me strength.

More news as it comes. It's easy to get very lazy here in the hospital with meals delivered, bed made for me, etc. ;)

Hospitalized for Numbness and General Illness

2008-05-23T21:48:00.003-05:00

I arrived home from vacation with sis and family 5/17/08. I was in much discomfort on the flight home, but thankfully made it. I sure received wonderful love and support from nephews and nieces, etc. What a wonderful family I have.

So, home Saturday night. By Sunday morning I had bad headache and nausea, vomiting, and in much pain and discomfort. My precious poodle, Claire, was returned to me Sunday afternoon and she cuddled with me in bed while I was sick. I so wanted to love on my little girl, but was so sick.

My two sisters, once again, saved my life. Doris (Colorado) called and from talking to me knew I should go into hospital. Joy (sister here) drove me to Emergency room at 10pm and stayed until 12:30am. She had hour drive home alone plus has to be up at her daughter's house (30 minutes away) by 7:30am to babysit two 18-month old twins all day. Adam, son, met us in Emergency Room and he stayed with me until 5:30am when they finally put me in my room. I tried to get him to go on home once they confirmed they were admitting me but he insisted on staying with me. Good son [most of time :))].

Emergency Room doctor said my numbness, especially in private parts, is a red flag. I am numb-like from the waist down and in terrible discomfort. I finally got over the headache and nausea.

Today, 5/23/08, I'm still in the hospital and we don't know what is going on, though we're getting closer, after several tests and at least two more tests scheduled. I anticipate being discharged maybe Tuesday earliest. We'll see.

Doctors think it's either the Myeloma, a tumor, in my spinal cord OR it's some sort of spinal cord damage (caused by potentially radiation, infection, whatever). Doctor D. refers to it as a 'stroke' in the cord. Essentially it's necrosis or nerve damage/death of the cord tissue. Unfortunately if this is what it is, I will continue with the numbness and can only be treated with meds to assist in coping with the physical discomfort.

If it's a tumor from Myeloma, we hope it can be treated and thus the numbness symptoms will go away. Yesterday I was started on Dexamethasone (steroid) through IV, as if it is cancer in the cord. If it is cancer, the Dex could kill it and give comfort within just a few days or weeks. I'm hoping to feel improvement...but none so far after 24 hours.

Today I was given Cymbalta, too, to assist with neuropathy in legs/feet. I'm OK from waist up, it's just waist down.

Today I had a PetScan which should be very telling. It should show hot and cold spots. So that one spot around my T8 that they believe is the culprit may be "hot" - and would indicate it's cancer. If it's "cold" it would be dead tissue. Weird as it sounds, I'm hoping for the cancer so I may possibly get feeling back.

Interestingly and on the good side, my markers of cancer in my urine where the abnormal protein shows with Myeloma are good, low, in a reasonably unconcerning level.

I'm thinking and so is Dr.D. that this is unfortunately "necrosis." Please pray it's not. BUT...if it is, I'm cowgirling up. I may have another "new normal" and I'll just have to learn to cope with the numbness, but I will also do more. I will Yoga and do mild strengthening exercises, I will take lots of B-vitamins, Folic Acid, I will look into massage and this chiropractor I've been told about that massages and has done wonders in hopes I can somehow rejuvenate these dead nerves. I don't care what "traditional medicine" says, it's all "practice" and "experimentation" and God is in control and still in the business of healing and miracles. Somehow, I know I'm where I'm supposed to be and God is giving me the strength to handle this. Oh, I have my weak moments, but I ask God for strength. I don't ask him to take it away unless it's His will for me, I ask for courage and strength, acceptance, etc. He's in charge. Every time he answers. I conquer it and get by.

Somehow I just know I'll be OK with whatever and however this turns out. I'm growing and learning so much. Please don't think it's easy, it's not. Maybe I'll be witness to others what God can do. I don't agree it's just "positive thinking" in the sense that it's that. It's a God-thing and nothing else. It is God who gets one through. Oh, one may try that positive thinking, but it's short lived and not true. God's help is true, lasting, full, and it's just different.

I find it sad in a way that there is information out there that has all these nice sayings and advice. The Dalai Lamai (Buddha) is a prime example. It all sounds so wonderful and true. And, in a sense, some of those "sayings" are true...but the ironic part is...those exact sayings are in Scripture. Scripture is ancient, proven, backed-up. Buddha/Dalai Lamai is not proven, is not as ancient, has not performed miracles, has not been resurrected.

All these "nice sayings" from these "false teachers" is what Scripture warns us about. It warns us that there will be false teachers and teachings and these are Satan's tactics to distract us from the truth. I almost went down that road, but I guess God was always there before any of that other stuff, like astrology, was there for me. I used to think of astrology as just fun and harmless, but I now know and believe it is harmful, distracting, and Scripture commands against it.

Oh well, I'm in a preaching or maybe just more contemplative mood about this. I don't mean to go there, but I just know that I know that I know Scripture is complete truth. All this "other stuff" has cleverly mimicked Scripture- but it's just false & a distraction to truth and to what saves one's eternal soul. Period. I'm done...but know I'm just "journaling" and "typing out loud". Afterall, that is what journaling is all about, to me anyway.

OK, back to the facts about my hospitalization.

Tests I've had so far:

LP (lumbar perforation): Fluid removed from spinal cord. I've had one and will have another in the next few days or so. So far no big showings, but docs want to see changes after having been on Dex.
Myelogram: Fluid is put into spinal cord. This was to check Cervical (neck) area after operation to ensure that operation didn't do any of this. Dr. J.does not think so after reviewing Myelogram results.
Pet Scan: Just another view. Provides hot/cold spots and just a better visual.
Fat Pad Test: Not done yet, but will have next few days. This is checking for Amyloidosis, which is abnormal proteins in tissues (nerves). It consists of several of my symptoms, but I don't have the swollen tongue. Probably not this, but it will at least eliminate it after the test. In this it is local and they remove fat just under stomach skin. I will ask them to do liposuction as well...heeee.

So, for any of you who ever have an LP or Myelogram, it's not as bad as it sounds. I was given some med to sedate me some, not put under but to relax a lot. It works. They deaden the area and even that just feels like feathers brushing across your skin. A long time ago I had a test for Spinal virus or whatever when I first got sick with Myeloma. I felt the pricking of deadening but after that it wasn't bad...but if you can have that relaxing med...it's super. The worst part is the anticipation and then first having to lay on our stomach and get comfortable and at first it's always cold in those rooms. I used to like laying on my stomach, but for some reason, every since I've had Myeloma, it's not so comfortable. BUT, with the relaxing meds, I was actually comfortable. Oh ya, the only other draw back is that you can have anything to eat or drink from midnight night before, so you hope they do the test early in morning so you fan EAT and DRINK. It's not great getting hauled down for this at 7AM, but then when you return here, usually around 9AM, breakfast is served just soon after. There's always a silver lining in those dark clouds. Don't forget to look for it.

A few more thoughts here. I'm at Kansas University Hospital in Kansas City, Kansas. KU is a "doctors teaching doctors" hospital. The "up" is they're very thorough, the "down" is that you have interns coming in, asking all the questions and poking around first. Sometimes one comes in and then a few hours later a second one comes in. You have to go through your whole story and go through the motions a second time. Then, the 2 interns and the real teaching doctor comes in an sometimes you go through it all again, maybe just some of it, or whatever. It's really not been too bad.

Every single employee I've encountered here from doctor, intern, nurse, aide, cleaning, transportation, food deliverer - have been so very nice. I feel in very good hands. I'm very blessed. I'm reasonably content and happy. I have a private room. I get new bed sheets every day. I get poked every day, too. Sometimes several times. Admitting night it took 3 tries to get IV in. It lasted a few days then went out. Called special IV person and it took another 3 pokes to get 2nd IV started. It worked a few days. Today I had another special IV person come in. It only took her the first try and now I'm on my 3rd IV since Sunday (6 days). Each day at 6am someone shows up and takes blood:poke. One day I had more blood drawn in the middle of the day. I hate needles. But, I've survived it.

One more thought and I'll be through here. Last night I had a "neurological consultation exam." First the nice, young, handsome intern, Dr. A. arrives at about 9:15PM. I go through my story since 10/05. He takes out his little hammer and taps my legs, feet, elbows, and other places. He takes out a paper clip, opens it up and uses the pointy end to poke me literally all over, head-to-toes, to evaluate my sensitivity and feeling since I'm having numb sensations.

Welllll, since I'm numb in my private parts, they have to be checked, too. So, he calls in a nurse because they have to have a witness, female I think. They first use some machine in my lower stomach area to see how full my bladder is. It wasn't so bad. But then, well, my bobo must be checked. So I'm asked to roll over and Dr. A. puts on rubber gloves, inserts, asks me to squeeze. I already did this night of admission with a Dr. AA. But, here we go again. I'm "OK" but have lost some muscle. I think that could just be from nearly 3 years of pain meds. But, I'm doing OK, no accidents really. So now...Dr. A. says he's going to use the paperclip...on my BOBO!!! Now, you just think about that. He's going to poke me with a paperclip tip....right there. THERE is perhaps our most vulnerable, sensitive, and embarrassing place on our body! At first I'm thinking he's joking. I kept looking from him to the nurse saying that I can't tell if they're serious. I'm convinced. If I want a thorough exam, I must submit to the paperclip tip on my BOBO. Let me just say, I survived it AND yes, I FELT it. Not fun. Maybe 5 pokes to discover that.

For those that know me, by the time we got through this, we all 3 were laughing and joking. Dr. A. also was to do a test of cold/hot water on my toes to see if I could feel the difference in temperature. He put an object in front of the sink faucets so I couldn't tell. I told him I promised not to look, but he said he had to. I told him, "Listen, I trusted you with a paperclip on my bobo just now; the least you could do is trust me that I will keep my promise!" We all laughed at that and it turned out a more comfortable adventure.

He left and returned with the teaching doctor, a female with a accent like Polish or European for sure, Dr. P. Neurology. I just loved her. Very smart, compassionate, good communicator, listener and I feel has great judgment.

So, we're on our way. I had a tumor on T8 but radiation on T7, T8, & T9. Spot showing only on cord next to T8. That's what we have to diagnose...what is it and why. I've been and still am a very interesting and challenging case right now and I'm very pleased to be teaching these doctors and giving them a little ride for a while. ;)O

I love. I just love so many people and things right now...no matter what I'm going through. Perhaps it's because I've been deep in prayer and Scripture. You always hear you get closer to God at these times. I love the Scripture verse where I think it's Paul saying "When I'm weak, I'm strong" -- or is it God quoting? I have it written somewhere. I'll find it and type it out in another entry. That verse sticks with me, as well as Romans 8:28. Also Phil. 4:13 (I think)--the one where I can do all things through Christ.... Ya....

North Captiva Island - La De Da

2008-05-11T15:06:00.016-05:00

I'm on vacation with my sister and her family - her treat. North Captiva Island is just off Fort Myers, Florida. We're staying a house called "La De Da" and it's really nice.

Here's the Living Room/Kitchen/Dining all in one. I share a bedroom with Jenny which is right off the Living Room...from about where I'm standing taking this picture. The picture to the right is the walk-in shower in our bedroom. Different. It's nice for a vacation place, but I like my own plain shower at home.

This pic is first coming in to the bathroom--walk-in shower on right, a corner-sink on left, toilet in -and - around - the - corner.

To right is another view of bathroom entry. No doors at all. Hmmm.

Below a view of bedroom standing at entry doors--which were French Doors with curtains off Living Room. Our room was decorated with Palm Tree design curtains and lamp shades. I love the color...a dark mustard-like.

In picture on right you can see the French Doors open and into the Living Room. Below view is from bathroom entry at head of bed. I love the window curtains. The windows are actually sliding glass doors.

Looking out these windows is a great view of the ocean. It's amazing to look out at the ocean and see nothing but more ocean. I was impressed at how fast the sun sets. You can almost see it drop.

Here's another picture of my bedroom...obviously from the foot of the bed. If you look closely you can see how the wall does not go all the way up to the ceiling. There's a closet area behind this wall. The door to the left is the bathroomdoor.

(More pics below.)

This pic is of Doris, me, & Guido. (I look like a boy!!)

This is the sunset last night taken from my bedroom balcony.

I'm so uncomfortable physically. This numbness, pain, and weakness is all I can do to handle. I keep looking forward to my doctor appointment and getting some answers. I'm trying to enjoy all this beauty and my family...and I am enjoying all this. It's just that I am in such discomfort and it's difficult. But, I'm thankful for the memories being made. There's already been some great ones.
I think my favorite part thus far was walking arm-in-arm with my sister into the ocean. She was so protective of me and while I appreciate it, it also makes me feel sad and bad that she worries for me. I'd rather be dragginer her behind into the ocean and teasing her like I used to. But it was such a sweet moment walking to the beach and wading into the water and letting the waves pass through our legs. Moments like that make it worthwhile and dealing with whatever I'm dealing with.
I think I'm going to really try to cowgirl up with this stuff. When I get to the doctors and IF they tell me it's just a nerve-thing and especially if it can be wholly or mostly corrected, I'll regret fretting over this discomfort. So....here I go...I'm cowgirling up....right after I take a nap.
zzzzzzz....

The Driving Spirit

2008-05-08T09:28:00.005-05:00

I'm feeling a bit reflective this morning, so that is the flavor of this entry: Reflective, contemplative. Just take it in stride.

My physical status is a dilema. It could almost get discouraging, but I continue to have hope. I have typed, retyped, and deleted a lot already in this entry. I've described every detail of my physical distress and whether I should lie about my physical distress (e.g. when asked how I feel, respond that I feel way better than I do). But there is no need to describe my woes because that is not my point.

I'm actually feeling very strong emotionally and spiritually and feeling very blessed. Yesterday, my horse, Mazey, gave me encouragement and drive. Not to discount Joey, Lucy & Stoney, just yesterday Mazey in particular gave me a driving spirit.

As I was checking on the barn cats and horses yesterday, Mazey & Stoney (Arabs) were hanging around. Of course the social Arabs would do that. They're either very social or very nosey. Maybe both. As I was stroking Mazey's neck, I can't describe the feeling, but I felt an overwhelming feeling of strength and purpose surge into me. I said aloud to her "I'm going to beat this so I'm here for you. I have to." She's precious how she will stand forever next to me, especially if I'm rubbing her neck.

When I got Mazey back in 2000, I was not supposed to. My son and I traveled to Arkansas to check on Stoney, the little gelding. But in the next pen was Mazey and her sister. Something about Mazey drew me in. As I was telling the owner that she caught my heart, something about her face and expression, he admitted that she was his favorite as well. So, instead of one, I got two horses. :) Although I probably had no business getting all of these horses, what would I do without my Mazey? She is such a special horse. I actually can not picture myself without any one of my horses, each one is so very special to me. I have no favorites.

I often look at Mazey and dream. I dream if I were a good rider what a perfect partner she would be--what a pair "we" would be. She seeks safety and comfort very strongly. She is my most friendly horse. She seeks me out most of all. She makes it easy to teach her because of that. She is very gregarious. She strongly seeks the herd....and you. She would take care of you if you were partners. Oh, there is so much possibility with her. In my prayers I hope to ride her in heaven. I'm a hog, though, I want all 4 of my horses in heaven. God is a good, loving, and generous God. He loves me so much and knows what my deepest desires are. While I accept whatever He wants for me, I think there's a very good chance I'll be riding my horses in eternity.

I am so thankful for my friends, especially my Christian friends. What love, support, and strength I get from them.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my sister and her family in North Captiva Islands (off Florida gulf), but I'm hating leaving my pets and my own bed. I'm such a homebody.

When I return I have two telling appointments, I hope. I see the neurologist and will also have that test for Amyloidosis. I'm anxious to have an answer and move forward. I have some plans for healing, such as seeing a recommended chiropractor. Of course, that will depend on what is causing my numbness.

I'm hoping to start my garden as soon as I get back. I can't wait until hot and dry weather!!!

Strange Feelings

2008-05-07T01:32:00.004-05:00

Boy! It's been a while since I posted. I've not felt good for various reasons I guess. I have had some migraine bouts, so I'm always out of sorts during those episodes. Currently I'm experiencing horrible numbness from the waist down. It's worse on my right side. MRI shows only 'mild-to-moderate disc bulging at the L4/L5/S1' - whatever that means. Can that cause this numbness? Can the numbness be from inflammation from my neck operation? Who knows.

This numbness is maddening plus it also hurts. There's the tingling feeling and it's horrible in my toes. Then it just hurts to walk or bend my ankles, feet, or toes. My hips are stiff. My private parts are numb and that is really strange. It just feels like there is some pressure on my right hip bone.

The plan is for me to see a neurologist. Also, Dr. D. wants to check for Amyloidosis. Fat tissue is removed, will be from my stomach, to test for Amyloidosis. I'll have to read up more on this, but my symptoms do match Amyloidosis. It's related to Myeloma. I won't have this test until the week of May 19th.

I just hope that something is pinching in my lower back and that it's fixable. I'm hoping it's not this Amyloidosis, as it doesn't sound very good. Whatever, God will give me strength to handle whatever it is....but I do look forward to knowing God's purpose in all this! :) Someday.

Surgery Success

2008-04-14T20:06:00.003-05:00

My surgery went just great and I'm doing just fine. I was released the very next day.

My neck is a bit sore just because they have to "move things around" to work on your neck. They go through the front, so things feel just a bit bruised, but it heals quickly enough. Today is the 3rd day and it's better.

My neck itself is fine, though I'm wearing a collar and not moving it. Plus, remember I'm on daily pain medicine anyway. I didn't get any extra pain medicine since I have my regular pain medicine and break through medicine as it is. I took break through the first day and that's about it.

My right leg is still numb, but it might be less numb at times, not sure. This might be too much information, but sometimes my private parts even felt numb. They're not so numb now. The nurse told me that if a nerve is compressed, that as it heals it grows only 2 centimeters every 30 days or so. That tells me that I must be patient through this healing process.

I just hope THIS operation takes care of the numbness and that it's not due to something else AND that it is reversible. God is in control and can do anything...anytime.

I've got lots of support and sure feel blessed.

Thank You For the Fleas

2008-04-08T21:02:00.003-05:00

If anyone has read Corrie Ten Boom's book, "The Hiding Place," they will be familiar with this saying. It's so catching how Corrie explains this in her book. At first you just can't understand why her sister insists when they pray, to thank God for the fleas. I'll leave it to you to read the book to understand the specifics, but in our lives...or MY life, when I thank God for the fleas, I'm thanking Him for the things that don't seem so nice, but they're really there for a good reason.

Well. Ya, you knew that was coming. I was having such a good day. I thought I was so cute joking with the doctors and nurses. Oh, I was being so funny and friendly. Later in the pre-testing today I get this nice little nurse, Kim. Well, Kim was so befuddled. She was calling me "Cindy Jackson" when she hollered out in the waiting room for me. There weren't very many of us in the waiting room and no one answered to "Miss Jackson"...then "Cynthia Jackson"---I said..."I'm Cindy Kassel." She said, "Ya, ya, I don't know what I was thinking, I meant Cindy Kassel." I should have known right then and there that there was a problem, you think? She was misreading. The doctor on my paperwork is "Jackson." Anyway, this little Kim seemed stressed and was working so fast I thought she was trying to beat a dead line. I asked her if she had a lot of people after me and she said no, that she always works that way. Hmmmm. She took my blood pressure. It was high so she retook it with a larger cuff and I tried to relax some and quit mirroring HER vibes. There. I had a reasonable blood pressure then. She shuffled me into another room and the Anethesiologist came in and talked to me. A Dr. Chandra, very nice "boy."

Then she has me take off my shirt, put on a gown, open front, so she can do an EKG. She rushes through that like no body's business. Then, I get dressed again and here she comes again...to take my blood. HORRORS. I hated thinking of how quickly she was moving and then here she goes, poking me. I've been poked twice in the past 5 days, I'm really through with pokes. Sure enough, big stick, twist and turn, and her letting out a yelp or rather a "oh shoot!" That's all I want to hear.

She'd shoved it in too far or something. I told her sometimes the nurses pull it out just a bit and they get blood. Oh, she pulled it out some, turned it to the right, then gave up, yanked it out, and blood went everywhere all over my jeans. She taped me up, then started pouring peroxide on a napkin and having me try to clean my jeans. I had no idea but peroxide lifts blood. It didn't really do good on my jeans until I could get home. I put the bloody part in the sink, poured the peroxide on it and it just fizzles that blood right up.

Anyway, Kim said she was through with it and that she was getting a "nurse." Well..what the HAY????? Wasn't SHE a nurse? I didn't ask but I guess I do recall there is some position where they're not nurses but they allow them to give blood. Don't think I won't note this in the survey KU will send me. I will. I don't want Kim to get in trouble. I will state she is a dear person, but her supervisors should see that her nervous personality should be enough to prevent them from allowing her to work ON patients. I'm not going to let this go.

A nice easy-going, very gentle and patient male nurse, my age, came in and got the blood out of a vessel right around my wrist. It wasn't bad at all. I even was able to look at it. I haven't been able to do that..ever I don't think. Maybe after what Kim did, it seemed like peanuts. Ya think?

So, my wonderful day had to end with that. But, if that is the worst thing that happened to me today, that's not all that bad.

I haven't been eating as I've felt lousy. Today I had an appetite and have been watching those Applebee's advertisements and licking my lips. So, bloody jeans and all I stopped by Applebee's for dinner. I enjoyed it basically. I brought my Charles Stanley devotional and was able to catch up for the days I've been sick and unable to read. My waitress was nice enough, but I witnessed a really rude and crude pick-up attempt with two male customers and my waitress. She spent more time trying to make point with them than taking care of her customers. It almost started to irritate me, then after reading my Charles Stanley daily devotionals, it reminded me where my heart should be. I overheard her saying she was singled, divorced, with two children. Poor girl. She's lonely. I wanted to tell her that she should shoot for higher than the boy flirting with her. He was very rude and saying very inappropriate things to her. What a sad state. The best I could do is pray for her and give her a tip somewhere between 15% and 20% rather than my usual 20%.

If It's Not God, Then Who Is It???

2008-04-08T10:44:00.003-05:00

I just have to write this journal today. I have been feeling so bad, down with migraines and nausau. I've felt immobile. Horrible. To top it off, I have those silly little Asian beetle bugs bugging me!!

I was so fearful of not feeling good enough to get to my "Pre-Admission" appointment today for my upcoming operation this Friday.

I have been praying specifically to feel good enough to drive myself to my Pre-Admission appointment PLUS for God to rid me of those antagonizing bugs!!

Both have happened....just suddenly...like that!! These kinds of things just don't happen. I've had those bugs, relentless, for months...I'm talking like 6 months maybe. I've been nearly bedridden, not able to get up out of bed hardly at all for a week. Today I feel great. Now consider my "great" is changed. I do have a "new normal". My "great" today would be a "just fair" or "not so good" before I got sick. But today....it's GREAT!

I need to get to the barn to hay the horses and feed those poor barn cats. I haven't been out there in about 5 days! My son hayed the horses one day and they do have pasture, but it's pretty worn. I need to check on their water anyway. I need to shower before I go, but as compared to yesterday and the days before, I'm feeling quite GOOD!

The bugs have been gone for 24 hours now. This is just a miracle. I must continue to have faith in God.

This is a God-thing, and nothing else. I know to those of you who are whole-hearty believers, you know just what I'm talking about. There are those who will think it is coincidental or just make some sort of excuse. But no. Once you've developed that personal relationship with God, you come to see those little miracles Our Heavenly Father does for us. He is so amazing. When you ask with faith, you always receive. I shouldn't have to clarify, but I will. You may not receive exactly what you prayed for...because that is God's department. I try to ask God to just handle it...and not direct Him to do what "I" want. I just ask Him to handle it and give me the strength to endure it. He knows what is best. Romans 8:28. Wow!

No matter what happens, He is right here with us all. Getting us through the high and low times. Thank you, Sweet Jesus, for being so ever-faithful and loving to me.

I look forward to getting this operation over. It is sort of yucky when I think about them going through my neck, but this operation is so common and said to be no big deal. I've heard so many testimonies of how much better people feel immediately. I will focus on that. I'm usually pretty good about focusing on the success part of these kind of operations. But wouldn't you know it, me, the one who is so scared of needles and have fretted for much of my life over these types of things....and here I am....having them.

I remember when my grandmother was sick in the hospital and I thought of how I could never go through that stuff. I don't know how she did it. Hers was still worse than mine, as her operations were through her stomach. Oh well, I guess we do what we have to do. Today we are so much more evolved and so less intrusive. I am blessed for that, to be sure!

Later!! I must get going...tweedle dee tweedle dum!

Life in the Slow Lane Goes Too Fast

2008-04-04T23:22:00.003-05:00

I don't know exactly what I mean by that title, but I like it. I feel it, whatever it means.

Here's what's going on:

I'm selling my home on 12.5 acres
hope to build or put a modular home on my 5 acres
survived a sinus infection, but really sick a long time
still fatigued and leg weakness, but...
am scheduled for an operation on my neck that may improve leg weakness
see MM doctor Tuesday; will hear lab results then...

The operation is not that big a deal, though it does sound serious being on my neck. It's a common operation and not very intrusive. I have a bad area between my C5 & 6 vertebrate where there is very little spinal cord opening...or something. It's all squished in the MRI. This is the culprit of the weakness and numbness in my legs. It's what causes my over-reactive responses when you tap on my knees, like when the doctor takes that little rubber hammer and taps on joints for response. The bad bone is removed and cadaver bone is put in with some packing and hardware. It will fuse. I'll only be in the hospital a few days and will be fine taking care of myself once home. If I don't have this operation, I can become crippled, so it's a good thing. I'm concerned as my legs have become more numb, tingly, and feeling like they could crumble beneath me. Something is happening so it's good to take action now. Some of my damage is permanent, but some may be reversible. I look forward to the improvement.

My church is doing a bible study on a book called "30 Days to Live." We've just started it so I have not received much of the benefits I hope the study will provide yet. However, it's made me think about a few things. One of those things is pruning. How has or is God pruning me. This is something for me to think about. I'm definitely being pruned, but for what purpose? How? Why?

Come On Spring, Do Your Stuff!!!

2008-03-26T20:44:00.004-05:00

I think we're all sick and tired of this Winter, and I mean that literally. At least it's not freezing. I just need that smiling sun! It's around the corner, I know it.

I had some sinus thing going on and have been really down with it. One week I was in bed literally 24/7. I only got up to shower and change the sheets. I missed out on the wedding shower for my great neice, Alyson. It sickened me that I missed out on this occasion. What a fun family girly time I missed out on! But I did get a good visit in the next few days. I was too sick to even shop so still need to shop and now mail the gifts. Ally lives out of town for now.

Alisa (niece, Ally's mom) brought some kind of herbal pills that boost your immune system. They are from China and the outside of the box is written in Chinese. I don't care what they are, they work! She had me take 4 the first night and I felt a complete difference. Unfortunately they kept me awak the whole night, too! I took them around 7:00pm which turned out to be a bad idea. They did not make me feel nervous, fidgety, or anxious like some medications do. I just felt good. I took 2 yesterday and 2 today. I think I need another dose of 4 but will wait until morning. I learned my lesson on that one. They have something my body needs is all I know.

I took a nap today a bit. I was so tired. I will try to get to bed at a decent hour tonight. That will help a bunch.

I haven't had any doctor appointments and it's been nice. I am just thinking very positive. I see one doctor 4/3 and the wench lady doctor 4/8. My current intentions are to change back to seeing my former doctors after the 4/8 appointment. I dread when things start acting up.

Somewhere in the cracks and crevices of my crazy mind I keep thinking that once I sell this place and get into a nice clean little home on my 5 acres that I will focus on healing through prayer and positive meditation along with getting consistent with sleep, juicing, exercise, etc. Plus, I hope to do something for somebody. I do assist at my church some, but I want to do something more...like visits the nursing home or something like that.

Bottom-line, I need to start NOW with positive healing thoughts & prayers, but it will be so much simpler once I'm in a new home. I don't care about "new" but I just need something different. I'm blessed to have something to look forward to.

Seeking a New Beginning

2008-03-08T23:45:00.006-06:00

Although I have recently felt a bit overwhelmed and down really, I am determined to rise above this darkness. I think it must be just a normal phase in this journey. But one must never give up or lose hope. One can make poor choices and mistakes, but there's always hope in tomorrow.

That sounds so cliche, but it's not really.

This cold weather and harsh winter has truly made a difficult time harder for me. I need warmth and sunshine in such a bad way. It's coming. I just watched a documentary about global warming not being so. I think it was in the Arctic or something where there was actually 2 inches more than usual PLUS somewhere in Russia or China that they were saying to save your furs or something about saving their coats because of the abnormal cold. I may not be relaying this exactly, but the point was that it was just the opposite as to all that global warming stuff. Who do you believe? Follow the money---then they are the liars I guess.

I've had so many opportunities in my life yet made such poor choices. It's frustrating when I see others that have not had the opportunities I have had, yet their lives are much more organized and stable. What is my defect that I continue making wrong choices? ERRR! :)

It's not having discipline or self-control. If I can give anyone advice, I'd say to first get that close relationship with God. Don't take that lightly, but truly get into His Word, know it and live it; surround yourself with Christian sisters or brothers that hold one another accountable; don't just be a "Sunday Christian" or whatever that term is. It's not about "being a Christian" but it's about having that "personal relationship with God." When you have that relationship, your priorities will most likely be right. And it's a constant effort with this relationship with God as Satan causes distractions as much as possible. He never gives up in trying to get you into believing his lies.

I certainly do not have this down at all. As a matter of fact, I feel like such a failure at it. But, I do know what I should have done or should now do! I'm getting there! Admitting it is the first step, right? :)

Then second, look into something like that Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course. It is so necessary for getting your finances together. His course is very clear and although it's not rocket science, it just puts things in such common-sense and easy format that you can't help but learn.

So, this advice I give is really for me. First, I need to get closer to God; to seek Him first and ask Him how he wants to use me. Second, I need to take advantage of the opportunity God's giving me and begin being a good steward with my time and money. If it's the last thing I do, I will have a peaceful and quiet life without the drama and financial fears!!!

Now that all that is settled, ....... :)

My next CBC (blood tests) is 4/3/08 but I won't know the results until 4/8/08. It will be telling to see if my abnormal proteins rise and if so, how much since 2/13/08-the last CBC test.

My left shoulder supposedly doesn't show any plasmacytoma's. I disagree with Dr. D, but she's one doctor you can't argue with. She wins. All I know is that when I had them in my right shoulder, the doctors then said they're hard to read in MRI's because they're in soft tissue. But, Dr. D is the expert. I say that somewhat sarcastically. She believes my trouble with my left shoulder is from a nerve running down from my neck and pinching. The MRI shows some serious issues with my spinal cord and spine. She's referring me to an orthopedic doctor at KU.

It's too much to document here, but I think she's wrong. Whether she's right or wrong, I totally do not like her as my doctor. She's overworked, too busy, too rushed, too abrupt, too rude, too hard headed, and I could go on. She's not listening most of the time; she comes across as her mind is made up. I don't recall even 5 seconds of time where she's looked me in the eyes and talked to me. She's either on the computer or looking at some paperwork. I don't care how "smart" she is, she's worthless to me. She's not a good match for me as a doctor. I feel like if I stay with her, she will be the death of me.

It's not that easy to change doctors. When you're in the middle of a chronic illness, then there's the insurance aspect, then there's all the other things in life going on, then there's finding a doctor/hospital that you feel is an expert in this rare type of cancer...it's just not that easy to change. It will take research, planning, and time. In the meantime, all I can do is my best with current circumstances.

But, I will get other things in order. I'm researching now. It's nothing I have to do over night. I just know that I've got to get control over my care and that I don't want to and I can not continue forever with things like they are.

Getting It Together

2008-02-29T14:28:00.006-06:00

God has a great sense of humor. Either that or I am a perfect example of "self-fulfilling prophecy" - you know, this is where whatever you worry about or dread you make happen...I guess because you put so much focus on it? Well, duh....if that should tell any of us something!

I have just realized that every single fear I have had, I am living through it!!! God, this is NOT funny anymore! But, thank you, Jesus, yes, I know...I am growing!! It's so hard! :)

Yesterday I submitted my details to a very nice social worker at my doctor's office. She's knowledgeable with Medicare D so she is looking over my situation and will assist me in deciding which plan is best for me in my current situation. That is all I can do and God will handle the rest. I'm trying my best to pray and listen and obey.

Also, I'm coming to peace with some other things I will do this year, as I have finally accepted that I must make some changes. It's only common sense. I will be so much less stressed after and for once perhaps I'll be living a somewhat settled down life. So, 2008 may have some hills to climb, but I am going to expect good things, accomplishments, success, and finally---peace. This will be bitter-sweet, but I plan on ending the year in the "sweet."

Boy have my two bible studies been prophetic, telling, and just plain awesome!! Tuesday's we are studying "Women of the Bible" and Thursday's we're studying Beth Moore's "Daniel". Yesterday I learned something that I haven't picked up my jaw yet!!! I accept the Bible as Truth and I function a bunch on pure faith. Simple. But when you come across facts and fulfilled prophecies....well...it just locks it all up.

In the book of Daniel, Chapter 9, the "seven 7's" and the "sixty-two 7's" are mentioned. Beth references the "Jewish calendar" ---Jewish lunar year is 360 days---whatever--I don't understand all this, so I leave it up to the "Beth Moore's". Well, this adds up to 49 years plus 434 years, so 483-years total..which adds up to 173,880 days. In Nehemiah 2: 1 it refers to Nisan in the 20th year of King Artaxerxes--which is March/April 444BC for us--March 5, 444BC to be exact. Nisan is Hebrew month. So Daniel gives the prophecy (seven-7's, sixty-two-7's)---173,880 days to Luke 19:29-40 --- or Nisan 10 or March 30, AD33--- well, this 483 years later the "annointed one" came (Luke 19:24-40) "Blessed is the King who comes in the Name of the Lord" "Peace in Heaven and glory in the highest". This is when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on that unbroke donkey...Mt. Olives. To the very calculated day---this occurred. And I find it fascinating how it was prophesied in Zechariah 9:9 and there were other things. I'm so not good at presenting this, but I so believe! Is it not just fascinating? Oh, God is good.

Capsule Endoscopy

2008-02-23T00:48:00.006-06:00

What a relief! The way this next test works is not how I initially was led to believe. I won't be having to do any gross stuff at home. It's kind of like, the good news is, I don't have to mess with my doodoo, the bad news is that I have to drink only liquids all day Sunday & then be at KU Hospital at 6:30AM Monday.

They'll do some sort of local procedure, I guess help me "swallow" this capsule. They'll keep me "on the table" for 2 hours until I'm OK to drive home. I'll have a belt on that will read the capsule I guess. I'll have to return to KU Hospital 8 hours after I swallow this pill. During that 8 hours the belt is connecting with that capsule inside me. The nurse I talked to on the phone today told me that during that 8 hours, while I'm still wearing the belt, to remember that I'm being filmed. In other words, if I should pass that capsule while I still have that belt attached, well, the capsule will be filming..guess from the toilet up--if you get what I mean.

From the way my body's been functioning lately, for some reason, I doubt I'll pass on the capsule that day, but you never know.

Since I must go on Medicare 4/1/08 and subsequently my prescription coverage will now be a Medicare D plan, I've grown concerned over the costs. I've been on Oxycodone, the generic for Oxycontin. Oxycontin is super expensive but Oxycodone is more reasonable. If I understand correctly, and I may not, the FDA did not test Oxycodone properly so they're taking it off the market. If I take the Oxycontin I'd hit the donut hole within a few months and then it would be too expensive monthly. Drugs are expensive, whether they're legal or illegal!!

Sorry if this is TMI (too much info) for you, but, these are the facts.

In any event, I am very relieved. I not only was dreading this, but I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle what I thought I was going to have to do. The doctor's nurse as well as both doctors and other nurse in the room yesterday all had the impression that I would have to be very involved in retrieving this capsule. NOT so!

All is well.

Bad Road Conditions & Doctor Appointment

2008-02-21T21:13:00.007-06:00

Wouldn't you know that it would have to snow and sleet today? All the local weather reports said the roads were bad. I tried to cancel today's appointment and reschedule but wouldn't be able to get back in until March 18th. I knew I couldn't wait because I know this MM is being active. So, I bucked up, got my nerve, and headed out. The roads were not that bad at all!! I'm glad I bucked up.

My appointment was at 2:00PM and I got out of there at 5:40PM. I saw a new doctor initially and then Dr. D and her nurse, Cindy, came in. My M-spike has gone up from 0.69 on 11/14/07 to 1.04 on 2/13/07. Dr. D said she's not too concerned about my M-spike rise yet. She won't put me on treatment for this rise in my M-spike alone yet.

On the other hand, she confirmed the spongeyness on my left shoulder and we suspect I have plasmacytoma's in it. Plasmacytoma's are MM (multiple myeloma) tumors that can gather in the bone or soft tissue. She's scheduling me for an MRI of my left shoulder and if it's confirmed plasmacytoma's, then I get on treatment again. I will find all this out in the next week or so. If I were a betting woman, I'd say these are plasmacytoma's, as it's the same symptoms as when I had them in my right shoulder at the onset of my MM.

Dr. D's also going to have me take another test to check my upper intestines. I guess the endoscopy I had just went down to my stomach. The colonoscopy doesn't go up that far. Sooooo I guess I'll be swallowing some pill with a camera. As it moves through my system, it'll take pictures. Guess what I get to do? Yes, I'll have to watch for the "camera pill" when I..well..you know. I've never heard of this. I imagine when I go to whatever GI place I have to go, they'll give me the directions on how I need to swallow this camera pill and.....capture it...later. This is not going to be fun.

What Dr. D is looking for is why I'm anemic. Some of my lab work is low, so maybe I'm losing blood somewhere. That's what she says if I understand correctly. I still don't understand all this stuff.

I'm feeling pretty good, other than just my regular fatigue. I'm blessed that I can rest any time I want.

Christians

2008-02-17T22:58:00.003-06:00

I wish I could express myself and thoughts as well as Maya Angelou has in this exerpt. It certainly says exactly how I feel.....

Christians

by Maya Angelou

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'"
I'm whispering "I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Dead Body Count

2008-02-17T22:39:00.003-06:00

That does it. Tomorrow I will count how many of those gross and stinky Asian lady bug look alikes I kill. I HATE them! And to think my mother nick-named me "Bugs" when I was a little girl because I played with bugs so much.

Lady bugs, real red ladybugs are still my favorite bugs. I'm still deathly afraid of spiders, though I've become a bit braver since I have had to...being single and living in the country. But, these Asian lady bugs have got to go!

I have to get a kleenex, fold it up several times and snatch the stinkers. Then I squish them and no matter how thick the kleenex is folded, my fingers still stink.

I'm counting tomorrow. GROSS!

Getting a Handle on Things

2008-02-17T01:10:00.009-06:00

Phil & Amanda came in Thursday safely and we dropped by to see Baby Lane. Bronx, at Phil's feet, has been fine with Lane. Dixie, somewhere around the room, has been fine, too. I love those dogs.

It was so good to see Phillip & Amanda's sweet faces and even though there wasn't much time to visit, what little time we had was quality time. Thank you, Shelia, for not only raising such a good girl, but for sharing her with me. Good kids.

Adam & Stefanie are doing great. We laughed at how cute Adam was with Lane. He's a good daddy. He helps Stef a lot, too; he's the doting husband and daddy, that is for sure. Stef is very relaxed and confident with Lane, but as she says, she's been around kids a lot, so she is more used to this.

_________________________________________

So, life goes on.

I'm not as stressed as much. (Thanks for caring, Judy...Vicki told me!) ;) Sometimes I let things build up and overwhelm me, and then WHAM...God is there. He loves me and gives me guidance & support often through many of you reading this. I'm so blessed that I am surrounded by friends who give me useful and kind advice. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." My Sisters-in-Christ, do I hear an "Amen"? heeee. But isn't that so true? OUCH! Sometimes those growing pains hurt, but it feels better to grow. If I could always remember, there's always darkness before the dawn.

Spending Time

2008-02-13T23:57:00.005-06:00

I enjoyed Monday with my niece, Laura, and her children. I joined her in running a few errands and then back to her house where I napped a little on the loveseat with Halley. Then I got up to watch Laura work on Trevor's Valentine Card holder. She's trying to make a football shaped thing to hold Trevor's Valentine Cards. She put newspaper strips first with glue/water around a balloon...but when that wasn't working as she desired she added more newspaper dipped in a flour/water mixture. She's needing it to harden so she can paint it and have it dry by tonight. She's worked so hard at this that I sure hope it works out.

I get to baby sit the girls, Jessica and Halley, tomorrow as Laura is helping Trevor with his room's Valentine's Day party. She's such a good mama.

Tuesday bible study turned into more of a prayer time since we had several people missing due to illness. There was only four of us but the prayer time was awesome.

I'm going to have to miss my Thursday bible study tomorrow and then will also miss next Thursday because I have a doctor's appointment. I really hate missing these since we watch video's. What's frustrating is that my doctor is only in the office 2 days a week, Tuesday and Thursday plus she doesn't get into the office until 1:00 PM if I recall correctly.

I had an appointment today at the KU Medical Bone Marrow & Transplant Center. I turned in my 24-hour urine collection, had blood work done, pluse received my bi-monthly 2-hour Aredia treatment. At least they only had to poke me once when they did lab work and went ahead and put the IV starter in then.

I went to the grocery store on the way home and I am exhausted now. I'm falling asleep as I type. I am so fatigued. I get dizzy and almost nauseaus at times because I get so tired. Like now.

Tomorrow I also pick Phillip & Amanda up at the airport and we'll run by to see Lane. I can't wait to see all three of them! Phil & Amanda will have a very brief stay as they will be heading out early (4:00AM) the next morning to go skiing with friends. I'm glad they're doing something for themselves and hopefully they'll enjoy the time away from jobs.

I know they'll be hungry and I'll have some snacks but I'm going to also cook a brisket with potatoes and carrots. It will be done when we get home late. I am too tired to get creative and think of something light; I doubt they'll want something too heavy on their tummies right before they get in bed, but maybe if they just eat small portions and they can possibly make sandwiches for the road the next day.

My intentions are to make banana bread tomorrow morning. I'd like to make one loaf for Laura and another one for Phil & Amanda. Then I'll make those flour rollups of cream cheese with black olives, green chilies, green onion, and hot sauce. I think I'll also make that grape thing with that sweet sauce stuff. I made the grape salad plus the rollups for Stef & Adam the other day, too. I never got to taste the rollups but I did get a few helpings of the grapes. GOOD. I'll make some for road snacks for the kids.

That is my intentions, so I'd better get to bed so I'm rested.

It's Bad For My Health

2008-02-11T23:10:00.004-06:00

Stress causes all sorts of negative affects on people. Stress breaks down one's immune system. I often wonder if the stress I endured working at Sprint combined with the long hours didn't help contribute with my getting this cancer.

Since I've been sick it seems I've been handling one stressful item after another such as finances, disability, insurance, medications, etc. When one is going on about life and not handling finances and such as responsibly as one should, then a terminal or chronic disease arises, well, it can cause one to stumble a few times.

I am gaining a new perspective and looking to accept the direction I must turn; I am already feeling freedom and lightness.

Prayer: Thank you, Jesus, for all the love, support, and affirmations of those around me. Thank you for all their love for me. Yes, you are true to your Word, my sweet Lord. You give us an escape from sin. You give us all that we need to endure tough times. I pray to keep your joy in my heart. I thank you, even for tough times, because you will use them for the good. I thank you for all that you do and I pray that I may somehow glorify you through any trials. Amen.

Lane is Home & Grandma is Coming Around the Mountain

2008-02-08T23:41:00.001-06:00

Big & proud daddy holding little baby Lane.

To the right is Halley, my Great Neice, holding Lane. Halley is Stefanie's buddy. Before Lane was born, Halley was very curious about the baby in Stef's tummy. Look at her little face? Precious!

Below, happy Nanny with Lane on Day #2. Is this not the cutest and most wise baby? He's less than 24 hours old! LOOK at those eyes!

The kids went in to the hospital Wednesday at 6:00 AM, started Stefanie on Petocin by 8:00 AM and delivered Lane 8 hours, 22 minutes later. Stef had been dilated to 2 most of the morning, then between 1:30 PM to 3:30 PM she increased to 9. The doctor was called by 4:03 PM. Stefanie pushed for 45 minutes and then precious little wise man Lane arrived: 4:22 PM.

The nurse and lots of people kept complimenting on how well Stefanie did and how good she looked. The lactation nurse said she looked too good to have had a baby within 24 hours ago! I was amazed at how patient and generous Stef and Adam were with everyone. There was a constant flow of family and friends and they allowed everyone to hold Lane. I was too particular or protective or whatever, but I would never have done that. I'm not saying I was right, either. Perhaps I was too picky. I was actually quite impressed and humbled at Stef & Adam's generosity with Lane. It made me rethink a lot of things.

Stef allowed her nieces and nephews as well as Adam's nieces and nephews hold Lane. She even had my niece, Halley (above), Laura's little girl, get up in the bed with her. Halley had been curious over Stef's tummy when Lane was inside. So now that Lane was out, Stef was letting Halley see Lane.

The kids got home around noon today, maybe a little later. They're so sweet to invite me up and even stay all night. I gave them a break today and I was tired myself. But tomorrow I'm going to get up and around and head up there. I will go to the grocery on the way there and maybe when Stef is sleeping I can cook some snacks and a few meals for later. I'm hoping I can be of help. I hope that I can do some kind of house work or something that is really helpful. And of course, I hope to get some one-on-one time with Lane. If I'm lucky I'll even be able to change a diaper or two or three or...well you get the picture.

There truly is a special feeling when you first set your eyes on a grandchild. I still say there's nothing like delivering your own baby, but a grandchild is very special. You are older and wiser by now, and appreciate the miracle of life and innocence like never before. You are mellowed out and shamefully remember the young parent you once were, who worried about losing sleep and losing other silly things. Suddenly things are simple and there's so much to enjoy and take in. You want to tell the new parents all you've learned over a lifetime-- but you remember all the advice you never asked for and rethink it. And reluctantly you accept the fact the these new parents must chart their own journey, make their own mistakes, and learn their own lessons...just like you did. They may even do it better!

And then you finally get it. That is what they mean that a grandparent just gets to spoil the child. It doesn't mean you really spoil the child or never teach the child right from wrong, that wouldn't be love. But, you don't have to worry about anything but loving that child. You go back to that moment of experiencing the miracle, and all you do is love.

Happy Grandma Dance

2008-02-07T01:47:00.001-06:00

Lane Kemper Kassel was gladly welcomed into the world today, February 6, 2008 at 4:22 PM (at Centerpoint Medical Center in Independence, Missouri), weighing 7 lbs 3 oz and 21 inch.

He's perfect. Lane is God's perfect creation. Mama did well and daddy is proud and loves both. Grandma is in shock & awe state!

Thank you, Jesus, for Lane Kemper Kassel.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, A Grandma, Tomorrow, Lane..is Just a Day Away!

2008-02-05T23:44:00.001-06:00

You must sing the title like that Annie song. It's nearly midnight and I have the alarm set for 5:00 AM. I'd planned on leaving here at 6:00 AM to head for the hospital and wait for Stefanie to delivery Lane. We're predicting snow and sleet tonight and I'm just assuming it's going to be bad and that I'm going to have a late start. I need my sleep so I can handle getting up, the stressful driving in bad weather, etc. Oh well.

I called Stefanie tonight to wish her well before she "officially" becomes a mom tomorrow. Her brother and kids were there, so I didn't talk to her long at all.

Today was Super Tuesday, so I exerted my privilege of voting. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to live in this wonderful country.

I spent nearly all of the day yesterday working on my school loan discharge paperwork, but I completed what I needed to and got it to the post office.

Today I worked on the finishing touch to part of Phillip's birthday (2/8) present. I got it all boxed up including some other items and addressed and now just ready to go to the Post Office. I'll try to do that on my way home tomorrow if Lane is cooperative and arrives before the PO closes. Otherwise I will have to mail it even later. It won't matter I guess because I think Phil will be gone the whole weekend, so he's getting his gift late not matter when I mail it. I should have mailed it last week. I have had it for months!

I will get his regular birthday card in the mail tomorrow. Phillip, my oldest, will be 30 years old 2/8. I'm getting old.

The pharmacist at the local pharmacy did not help me like I thought he would in comparing which Medicare D plan would be the best for me. He said they only did that the first year Medicare D came out. He was very nice, though, and did talk to me for a while regarding the plans and various medications.

He confirmed that the generic drug, Oxycodone, for Oxycontin, is no longer available. I will have to change pain medication as I won't be able to afford it. I would hit the "donut hole" in just a few months. I can't afford to spend $2500 or more in medications in a year. That's just the way it is.

That's it for now, I need to get to sleep.

Fickle Journal Geek

2008-02-01T12:00:00.000-06:00

I know this is crazy and I must make a decision as to which blog to keep and which blog to let go. I used to have the same issue with boyfriends in my high school days. heee.

Here's the deal. My blog at "Healthblogs" was supposed to be a more dry and factual blog to keep family, friends, past work acquaintenances who wonder how I'm doing, and just generally people who know me but are perhaps not my most personal friends, up-to-date on my progress. Besides, I will take any excuse to journal. I'm a Journal Queen addict and have been all of my life, since I was a little girl. I have destroyed most of my journals from younger years because I could be black-mailed if anyone got hold of them. Truly.

I like Healthblogs because other people with Myeloma are on that site and I was also hoping that my Healthblog would be helpful to other MMr's (Multiple-Myelomers). Since I feel so odd with my symptoms, perhaps others could connect with me who might feel similar. It helps. But I like "Blogger" because of the video capability.

But I'm afraid I got a little whacky on my Healthblog journal and I get too personal maybe. So, I'm thinking I'll keep it, but keep my entries short & sweet and too the point - my initial intention. On Healthblogs I will provide information on my symptoms and treatment only. Just the Facts, Stanley, just the facts.

Then I can use this one for more expression, personal stuff, and the like. I'd also put my MM details here, but this blog would be more family & friend focused.

In time I'll know whether to discontinue the other one. But initially my Healthblog blog would provide simple facts regarding my MM for other MMrs and this one would cover all, facts and fun and stupid stuff.

Ya, that's the ticket. Think I'll try this concept and see how it works. Lord knows I have the time. But want to know something else? I have yet another journal! Some girls never grow up. But it is private where I can be more open with my personal thoughts and feelings. No names are used in this other journal. But sometimes you just need to express personal feelings that you do not want family or friends or anyone who knows you reading. It's more juicey, but you don't get to read that!! Haha!

Anyway, this is selfish but these blogs are for me. I need to express myself and these are a way of releasing. I've always wanted to write a book. Perhaps I should try to figure out a topic and give a book a try. I have an idea but haven't developed it much yet.

Self-Diagnosis: I Think I Know Why I Hurt So Much

2008-02-01T11:56:00.000-06:00

This is another post copied from other blog: cakassel55.healthblogs.org

My other post was so long, I wanted to put this thought in another post because I think it’s significant.

It’s constantly on my mind why I’m such a wimp and not feeling as well as other MMrs seem to feel. My IGG serum is in the normal range, my m-spike is way low, X-rays and MRI’s don’t show significant MM stuff or osteosporosis stuff going on, so what is my problem? I take 120 mg of Oxycontin (oxycodone) a day and still hurt, so why do I feel so bad?

I recall the difference in how other people found out they had MM and myself. One lady’s optomistrist noticed she had too much protein in her eyes. Others broke a bone just from lifting some light object. Some were anemic and the doctor ran tests. Some kept getting pneumonia and the like (thus immune system). I got a Strep B infection. We all can get Strep B on our skin, but our immune system can handle it. I was 60% cancer cells in my marrow at the time of diagnosis, as many other people were, some way higher than that even. “I” just happen to get Strep B - I wonder from the fitness center when I worked with weights–on the equipment. Who knows.

I remember how this evil pain traveled through my body over a 20 or 30 minute span; it went from my ankles, to my knees, to my hips, then to my shoulders. All my main joints.
I recall the doctors saying that sometimes when an individual gets Strep B, that arthritis (or was it bursitis) will settle in a joint. (ahaaaa!)

At the support meeting the other night when we were all talking about our MM stories, Ann, the facilitator said “remember, we could have more than just MM.” Ahaaaaaa.

I will bet that I have whatever it is (arthritis or bursitis) in my joints now after that Strep B infection. I had it so bad that all my major organs were not working properly. My heart was functioning at 60%, my gall bladder at 7% (that’s why they removed my bladder). I forget my liver but it was swollen with a fluid around it and the doctors kept asking if I had a drinking problem. Obviously I had a Strep B infection very bad. They were putting penicillin in me through an IV big time. As one doctor said, they “pulled out the big guns.” I never was allergic to penicillin but became allergic after that. I began to swell.

Anyway, I will bet that that darned Strep B did something to me where it caused damage to my joints. I don’t mind them removing my gall bladder, I felt better since they did. I doubt it would have improved and when it doesn’t work, you feel nausaus. I felt instant relief once they removed it. Want to know how tough I am? I remember after they removed my gall bladder climbing back into the hospital bed by myself. I was amazed that my stomach was not all that sore. They did it whatever that way is where they poke three little holes, one being your belly button and where they remove your gall bladder through. But after I was wheeled back to my room from surgery, I was more awake than I was yesterday and able to get up out of the wheel chair and into my bed with no assistance.

So I think I’ve figured something out and will definitely tell Dr. D about it. I hope she takes the time and listens to me. After my first meeting with her, she seems in such a rush - in which she is. She sees probably most the people in this area who have MM. That is both a good and bad thing. I will just prepare myself to get her undivided attention. I will need to be politely firm and make sure I get her attention and respect. That part is up to me. (I’m cheering myself on here.) I don’t want to paint her out to be a bad doctor, but she is very busy so I must be sure I utilize her time wisely.

Well, there it is. One must step outside their bubble. I’ve been in a bubble. I’ve felt so outside my body, like it was some different container than “me”. It’s really a foreign feeling. And when you first get cancer, you feel like there is an evil monster inside you. I think only another person with cancer can understand that feeling, but others could surely relate. You are so anxious to get it out. I was so anxious to start on treatment to fight it. I think after being so sick at the onset, I was ready to try anything, even if it was poision. It was poision fighting another poision. It had a head start on my body.

Then your body begins to feel so different and you feel so out of control. You’re out of control of your cancer, your body functions, and how your body feels. Every little feeling becomes the cancer. All that is not true, but you don’t realize that yet.

I don’t know if this is a good thing or bad thing that I realize I have something else going on than MM (Multiple Myeloma). If it’s only some type of arthritis, maybe that is OK. I just hope it’s not anything more weird. I have a weird type of cancer, so I feel like I have my quota of weirdness.

But it’s coming together for me. Maybe being so drugged after my colonoscopy/endoscopy gave me time to rationalize and put it altogether. Also, coming off the Revlimid/Dexamethasone has helped. That is powerful poision going in your body.

I feel like I’m on a better path now. It will be good if I can get an answer to this. Then I’ll know how to treat it. One thing, babying myself and not moving around would be bad. Exercise and stretching will help tremendously. I will begin taking Ibuprofen for the inflammation. I do want to see if I can lower my Oxycodone again. I tried it a few weeks ago and it did not feel good. I will try it again. If I must continue taking it, I’ll have to accept that. Of course, I’ll see if Dr. D agrees with the Ibuprofen. If she thinks I need to see whatever type of doctor would treat whatever it is (arthritis, bursitis, etc.) going on in my joints, maybe there is another type of medication I should be on. I hope not in a way, because there is always side effects to medicines.

I do want to do the things that releases toxins, like dry brushing and epsom salt baths. I think also meditation. Our brains are very powerful things. God gave us brains but what is it, we use only 10% of them? I will use both meditation and faith to also treat these symptoms.