I finally saw the neurologist, Dr. A. He's very thorough and compassionate. I feel in good hands with him. He diagnosed me with Radiation Myelopathy (Thoracic). He said I have Central Pain Syndrome, neurogenic bladder and neurogenic bowel. He felt I was on enough medication and encouraged me to work with my rehab doctor (Dr. P) plus the Pain Management doctor (Dr. M).
Dr. M (Pain management) felt that I would benefit with a drug delivery therapy called Medtronic. This pump is attached inside your stomach and a catheter goes from it to your spinal cord, where it pumps medicine directly to receptors near the spine where it interrupts the pain signals before they reach the brain.
The pain pills I take work through the brain, I guess fooling the brain about the pain I'm feeling. No wonder I don't feel like me. No wonder some people think I act differently. I am different. I'm trying to hold on to "me" and to overcome the affects of the medications.
Dr. M was to contact my oncologist, rehab doctor, primary care physician, and neurologist to see if they agreed with me using this pump. Dr. A (neurologist) and Dr. P (rehab) have already previously indicated it would be a very last choice. Dr. A had concerns about what is already going on in my spine and he wasn't keen on having this inserted in my spine.
I think my gut instincts are to avoid this as well. I like the idea of not having to take as much medication because it's going straight to the receptors in the spine plus it not going to the brain. I like that part. I don't like the idea of having that pump inside my stomach as it's a very large and heavy pump. It's at least 3 to 3-1/2 inches wide and over 1 inch tall...and heavy. Since I have a short-waist especially plus I'm already uncomfortable in my abdomen, I just don't think the good outweighs the bad. Plus, like Dr. A felt, I'm very leery doing anything that might harm my spinal code any more than it already is harmed. If Dr. A has that concern, then I really have it.
Everything with my colonoscopy/endoscopy went well plus the biopsy on the cyst on my pancreas is fine. The GI doctor wants to do a CT scan in 6 months, I guess to keep the cyst under view. I think that is common. I'm working through a nurse to figure out what type of medicine plus dosage I should take for the neurogenic bowel.
Such fun.
My older sister and her husband will be returning to Colorado for much of the summer. I've grown accustommed to their taking me to doctor appointments. This will be a good time to check out just how independent I still am. I think I prefer being babied! :)
A bummer on the home front. It was bad enough the sale of my house fell through, but it ends up the people stole a big double gate from my back paddock. They'd been entering my house before closing and painting a room and a few walls. I had left all the paint to my inside in a closet. While I realize they were just anxious to move in, they should not have been on the property at all, let alone moving or changing anything. They took my good curtains down, stepped on them and basically ruined them for future use. I'm sick about that as I would loved to have kept those curtains and was leaving them with the house.
Right after we found out the loan was nixed, my sister and brother-in-law (bil) saw a couple cars, a truck and a flat-bed up at the house. They headed up to the house but the convoy had left already. As the truck and flat-bed went down the drive, apparently my bil saw what he thought was a panel on the bed. I'm now thinking it was my gate. I'm figuring they were frustrated they didn't get the place and maybe they thought the gate was payment for their painting. Wrong. They should not have been painting...and they have out and out stolen my property. The gate was pulled off of the post until the post split. My son wonders if they didn't put a rope on the gate and pull it off. I'm so crippled up that it's difficult to do all that I would be doing to address this if I could just get around. This is such a frustrating position to be in.
I'm too tired now to get into much more, so will address later. I'm determined to get on top of these challenges, though. I keep telling myself that it could always be worse. And I know it could.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
April Update
The sale of the house (modular home on 12.5 acres) fell through. Because it's a 35 year old modular home, the loan company rejected the loan. The buyer had $23,000 to put down on it even. I'm going to have to think of something else soon. This is when my faith is tested. I'll address that another day.
I'm still trying to figure out what is going on with my body, particularly my lower half. I think I'm getting close to an answer. My cancer is smoldering and not requiring any treatment at this time.
Saw my urologist, bladder and kidneys are fine. Dr. F (urologist) did fine a cystic mass in my pancreas, which was missed on the CT scan when I was in the hospital in January.
As a result of that finding, I had a endoscopy/colonoscopy last Friday. Everything seems just fine, though a biopsy is being performed on the cyst. I don't know when they'll have the results, I imagine by tomorrow anyways. My PCP will be informed of the results but I don't see him for a few weeks. I didn't even think of asking Dr. J how I'd find out the results.
Tomorrow I finally see the neurologist, Dr. A. This is the doctor's appointment I've been waiting for. Dr. A is known for not only being very good, but also having a very good communication style with his patients. I need this bad!
Since my symptoms of pain, discomfort, imbalance, and weakness appear to be nerve and spinal cord damage, I'm hoping Dr. A will be able to assess my situation and perhaps prescribe a new recipe of medication taht will help me cope better. I would expect it might take a few visits, as well. Dr. A has a lot of information to digest and evaluate.
But finally, I do hace hope. Hope. Quite honestly, I think I've lost it for some time now. I just now realize, as I type this entry, that I'd lost hope but I've once again regained it.
I want to add so much more to my blog, but I've just been so uncomfortable plus my mind is not working right. It's the pain and medication. I really don't think all is lost, though. I just need a good doctor's help and I need to depend on the Lord.
On the bright side and perhaps should have been the first thing I noted: I had my second grandson, Caiden, on March 15th. Caiden and his parents deserve an entire entry plus pictures. I'm very tired now and not prepared to do that entry--but it is coming.
Later.
I'm still trying to figure out what is going on with my body, particularly my lower half. I think I'm getting close to an answer. My cancer is smoldering and not requiring any treatment at this time.
Saw my urologist, bladder and kidneys are fine. Dr. F (urologist) did fine a cystic mass in my pancreas, which was missed on the CT scan when I was in the hospital in January.
As a result of that finding, I had a endoscopy/colonoscopy last Friday. Everything seems just fine, though a biopsy is being performed on the cyst. I don't know when they'll have the results, I imagine by tomorrow anyways. My PCP will be informed of the results but I don't see him for a few weeks. I didn't even think of asking Dr. J how I'd find out the results.
Tomorrow I finally see the neurologist, Dr. A. This is the doctor's appointment I've been waiting for. Dr. A is known for not only being very good, but also having a very good communication style with his patients. I need this bad!
Since my symptoms of pain, discomfort, imbalance, and weakness appear to be nerve and spinal cord damage, I'm hoping Dr. A will be able to assess my situation and perhaps prescribe a new recipe of medication taht will help me cope better. I would expect it might take a few visits, as well. Dr. A has a lot of information to digest and evaluate.
But finally, I do hace hope. Hope. Quite honestly, I think I've lost it for some time now. I just now realize, as I type this entry, that I'd lost hope but I've once again regained it.
I want to add so much more to my blog, but I've just been so uncomfortable plus my mind is not working right. It's the pain and medication. I really don't think all is lost, though. I just need a good doctor's help and I need to depend on the Lord.
On the bright side and perhaps should have been the first thing I noted: I had my second grandson, Caiden, on March 15th. Caiden and his parents deserve an entire entry plus pictures. I'm very tired now and not prepared to do that entry--but it is coming.
Later.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Moving Forward
Several good things have happened thus far, even if by way of some not-so-good ways. You'll understand once I explain.
First, the 5 acre sale is behind me. That is great news!
Second, my home has sold and I close on 3/4/09. That is great news, even if it is bittersweet. This was my grandparent's retirement home. There's so many great memories here, both with all of family and just with me and the boys. I wanted so bad to leave it to the boys. Had I handled my finances better in the past, I could have left 12.5 or even 17.5 acres with a nice home on it. But, I made poor decisions. All I had was an old modular home in need of repair and lots of debt. I second guess myself if I'd taken the proceeds from the 5 acres and just made some miner improvements on the home so that it was manageable to live in. That would be like putting good money after bad. But at least I would have kept it for the boys and my life insurance would pay off the note when I die. I think my youngest would like to have lived there. But...it just might not be meant to be. At least, with the decisions I've made that got me to this point, it obviously won't be.
So, moving forward I can get that second payment off my hands. I still have one other large debt, but it will be easy to pay off with my new budget. After that, I should do wonderfully financially. Hopefully I can begin to help others and save for emergencies. Most importantly, I will tithe plus. I should have been doing that all along, I know. I tried to do something. I guess I just didn't have that much faith...when you're budget is in the red....and in my condition/situation...I just didn't have the faith to write that 10% check out first, and then the other bills. But, I do feel like God has brought me here. He directed me to these units in the right timing, the 5 acres, then the timing of my land being sold. He's laying it all out for me...placing me where my focus, trust, dependence can be fully on Him. I asked Him to do that. He knows my heart. I've prayed to get to this point where I could cheerfully tithe...and now I can. THAT has been working on me for some time...and that is the only reason I share it here. I'm ashamed I haven't tithed fully earlier. I prayer about this and did various efforts. It's just worked this way and that is all I guess.
January 13th I had a, what do you call it? I had an "episode" I guess I'll say. I got a migraine-like headache, started vomiting, got dehydrated, and went into a vicious circle. I guess my body chemistry was all off balance, electrolytes, whatever. My bloodpressure was off the charts for over two days. I called Doirs (sister) and she came over with her two daughters. I was hurting so bad and so uncomfortable it ended up I was brought to the hospital in an ambulance.
I went to St. Joseph Hospital. They kept me a week and did all sorts of tests. Almost started all over with me. Basically, it's the same old story. My MM (multiple myeloma) is still there, but low enough not to need treatment. It's not live in the tissue in my spine, though it is what caused this spinal cord trouble. It looks like I did have a stroke in my spinal cord at one time, which then caused my spinal cord to atrophy. The stroke was near my T8, where I had the tumor, then radiation and kyphoplasty. I'm not sure what caused the stroke. My rehab doctor said it could be due the thickness of the blood (it gets thick with this type of cancer) and those spinal cord nerves are very touchy. Anyway, my spinal cord damage is the cause of my loss of function and nerve pain. I think I also have neuropathy. My feet burn and feet tingly like pins and needles yet they're also numb. Not sure how to explain that. It feels horrible for anything to touch them. I can hardly get under the covers at night, as a blanket feels too heavy on them.
I've prayer for relief and comfort for them and while they still hurt, I have gotten under the covers the last few nights somehow. It may be shortlived, but I've done it. I've broken another toe, I guess due to not walking well and feeling well and just jamming my foot up against something. I'll need to start being more careful. My toe is all black & blue and up into the foot.
I need to find some kind of shoes that I can wear. I can wear some Krocs because the toe space is larger. I have some Walmart shoes I found that work. I don't dress very stylish any more.
I do want to go shopping sometime and try to find some kind of pants and shoes where I feel more presentable. So, since I have that desire---that is a GOOD sign I figure. I'm beginning to care more about those types of things. Before, I didn't care all that much. Progress.
My stomach area still feels weird and is all jacked up. This new medication is doing funky stuff. While I was in St. Joseph, about a week, they changed my pain meds. I'm now on Methadone. It's tough stuff. I'm working with the Pain Management Group at St. Joseph. I like them very much. I'm trying to give this stuff a chance. I feel different. It does seem to help with the nerve pain I have, though. I've went from 50mg of it a day down to 7.5mg...so you can where I was over-drugged for a while. I'm feeling more pain in my back bone, though. I think I can tolerate it, though. Maybe just rely on break-through pain med for that. I was on Morphine through IV in the hospital and I lost most of my memory in the hospital and my first few days at home until I lowered my dosage of the Methadone. I feel so cheated of my visit with my son from Tennessee (Phillip). He'd come up here when I was in the hospital and I barely remember him here! That just breaks my heart.
But, I'm going through a lot of stuff right now. The sell of the farm. I call my home on the 12.5 acres "the farm" because it used to be the centerpoint of my grandparent's 80 acre farm. Oh had I been a smarter girl, more obedient to the Lord, I wouldn't have to do this. I wonder why I kept making so many unwise decisions in my life? I thought I was trying to do right. I was trying to hard to be responsible, working hard at Sprint, finishing college, my graduate degree, then on to my undergraduate. I think THAT might have been one of my unwise decisions. The graduate degree was fine, but I probably didn't need the undergraduate degree. It took a lot out of me and look what it got me. I lost so much time doing it.
I may sound really regretful, and I'd be in denial if I didn't say I didn't regret it all. But, I have accepted that I did the best I knew how. With hindsight now, I would have done it differently. What I can do now is to be wise moving forward. I just need to get all my regrets out.
I regret the fact that I had to give up my land that I wanted to leave for my boys and I regret having to give up all the pets I had to give up. It breaks my heart. But, the way it's worked out, I found the BEST homes for my pets. The kinds of homes they have are better than the best days they had with me in most ways. So, I kind of wonder if God didn't design it as such. I realized one day that God takes care of his animals like he does us. Perhaps he knew they'd find better homes if I had to lose those pets now...rather than if I'd held on to the farm....died there...and then my family would have had to find homes for all those pets. They have so many pets of their own that even if they kept my pets, my pets would not have the personal attention, adoration, and love they're getting with their new owners now. God knows what he's doing. I need to realize that.
I sort of have a target of 3/4/09. That's the closing date of my home. I'll get that behind me and then I should be able to tackle my last few things. One being my last debt, which is taxes I incurred the year I went on disability. I should be able to pay these off much quicker now with my larger budget (after selling the house).
I recall when I was first ill and realizing I was going to have to make these changes that I thought, if I were in a little duplex I could focus on God and helping others. I thought that maybe THAT is where God is leading me. I do think that is the case. There are some right in my community who probably could use a friend or some kind of help. I'm hoping to figure out where God is leading me, and then to obey.
I'm in two different afternoon bible studies now. One at my church and one in another church here in town. I love these studies and the ladies in them. I've missed some lately, but now I should be able to get back into going. I feared I wouldn't be able to drive at first, but I tested it the other day and I did fine. The short distance to these churches should be fine.
Well, speaking of bible study, it's time I get into Scripture now. I am going to try to get into bed and turn out the lights at a decent hour tonight. My body is not on a good schedule.
First, the 5 acre sale is behind me. That is great news!
Second, my home has sold and I close on 3/4/09. That is great news, even if it is bittersweet. This was my grandparent's retirement home. There's so many great memories here, both with all of family and just with me and the boys. I wanted so bad to leave it to the boys. Had I handled my finances better in the past, I could have left 12.5 or even 17.5 acres with a nice home on it. But, I made poor decisions. All I had was an old modular home in need of repair and lots of debt. I second guess myself if I'd taken the proceeds from the 5 acres and just made some miner improvements on the home so that it was manageable to live in. That would be like putting good money after bad. But at least I would have kept it for the boys and my life insurance would pay off the note when I die. I think my youngest would like to have lived there. But...it just might not be meant to be. At least, with the decisions I've made that got me to this point, it obviously won't be.
So, moving forward I can get that second payment off my hands. I still have one other large debt, but it will be easy to pay off with my new budget. After that, I should do wonderfully financially. Hopefully I can begin to help others and save for emergencies. Most importantly, I will tithe plus. I should have been doing that all along, I know. I tried to do something. I guess I just didn't have that much faith...when you're budget is in the red....and in my condition/situation...I just didn't have the faith to write that 10% check out first, and then the other bills. But, I do feel like God has brought me here. He directed me to these units in the right timing, the 5 acres, then the timing of my land being sold. He's laying it all out for me...placing me where my focus, trust, dependence can be fully on Him. I asked Him to do that. He knows my heart. I've prayed to get to this point where I could cheerfully tithe...and now I can. THAT has been working on me for some time...and that is the only reason I share it here. I'm ashamed I haven't tithed fully earlier. I prayer about this and did various efforts. It's just worked this way and that is all I guess.
January 13th I had a, what do you call it? I had an "episode" I guess I'll say. I got a migraine-like headache, started vomiting, got dehydrated, and went into a vicious circle. I guess my body chemistry was all off balance, electrolytes, whatever. My bloodpressure was off the charts for over two days. I called Doirs (sister) and she came over with her two daughters. I was hurting so bad and so uncomfortable it ended up I was brought to the hospital in an ambulance.
I went to St. Joseph Hospital. They kept me a week and did all sorts of tests. Almost started all over with me. Basically, it's the same old story. My MM (multiple myeloma) is still there, but low enough not to need treatment. It's not live in the tissue in my spine, though it is what caused this spinal cord trouble. It looks like I did have a stroke in my spinal cord at one time, which then caused my spinal cord to atrophy. The stroke was near my T8, where I had the tumor, then radiation and kyphoplasty. I'm not sure what caused the stroke. My rehab doctor said it could be due the thickness of the blood (it gets thick with this type of cancer) and those spinal cord nerves are very touchy. Anyway, my spinal cord damage is the cause of my loss of function and nerve pain. I think I also have neuropathy. My feet burn and feet tingly like pins and needles yet they're also numb. Not sure how to explain that. It feels horrible for anything to touch them. I can hardly get under the covers at night, as a blanket feels too heavy on them.
I've prayer for relief and comfort for them and while they still hurt, I have gotten under the covers the last few nights somehow. It may be shortlived, but I've done it. I've broken another toe, I guess due to not walking well and feeling well and just jamming my foot up against something. I'll need to start being more careful. My toe is all black & blue and up into the foot.
I need to find some kind of shoes that I can wear. I can wear some Krocs because the toe space is larger. I have some Walmart shoes I found that work. I don't dress very stylish any more.
I do want to go shopping sometime and try to find some kind of pants and shoes where I feel more presentable. So, since I have that desire---that is a GOOD sign I figure. I'm beginning to care more about those types of things. Before, I didn't care all that much. Progress.
My stomach area still feels weird and is all jacked up. This new medication is doing funky stuff. While I was in St. Joseph, about a week, they changed my pain meds. I'm now on Methadone. It's tough stuff. I'm working with the Pain Management Group at St. Joseph. I like them very much. I'm trying to give this stuff a chance. I feel different. It does seem to help with the nerve pain I have, though. I've went from 50mg of it a day down to 7.5mg...so you can where I was over-drugged for a while. I'm feeling more pain in my back bone, though. I think I can tolerate it, though. Maybe just rely on break-through pain med for that. I was on Morphine through IV in the hospital and I lost most of my memory in the hospital and my first few days at home until I lowered my dosage of the Methadone. I feel so cheated of my visit with my son from Tennessee (Phillip). He'd come up here when I was in the hospital and I barely remember him here! That just breaks my heart.
But, I'm going through a lot of stuff right now. The sell of the farm. I call my home on the 12.5 acres "the farm" because it used to be the centerpoint of my grandparent's 80 acre farm. Oh had I been a smarter girl, more obedient to the Lord, I wouldn't have to do this. I wonder why I kept making so many unwise decisions in my life? I thought I was trying to do right. I was trying to hard to be responsible, working hard at Sprint, finishing college, my graduate degree, then on to my undergraduate. I think THAT might have been one of my unwise decisions. The graduate degree was fine, but I probably didn't need the undergraduate degree. It took a lot out of me and look what it got me. I lost so much time doing it.
I may sound really regretful, and I'd be in denial if I didn't say I didn't regret it all. But, I have accepted that I did the best I knew how. With hindsight now, I would have done it differently. What I can do now is to be wise moving forward. I just need to get all my regrets out.
I regret the fact that I had to give up my land that I wanted to leave for my boys and I regret having to give up all the pets I had to give up. It breaks my heart. But, the way it's worked out, I found the BEST homes for my pets. The kinds of homes they have are better than the best days they had with me in most ways. So, I kind of wonder if God didn't design it as such. I realized one day that God takes care of his animals like he does us. Perhaps he knew they'd find better homes if I had to lose those pets now...rather than if I'd held on to the farm....died there...and then my family would have had to find homes for all those pets. They have so many pets of their own that even if they kept my pets, my pets would not have the personal attention, adoration, and love they're getting with their new owners now. God knows what he's doing. I need to realize that.
I sort of have a target of 3/4/09. That's the closing date of my home. I'll get that behind me and then I should be able to tackle my last few things. One being my last debt, which is taxes I incurred the year I went on disability. I should be able to pay these off much quicker now with my larger budget (after selling the house).
I recall when I was first ill and realizing I was going to have to make these changes that I thought, if I were in a little duplex I could focus on God and helping others. I thought that maybe THAT is where God is leading me. I do think that is the case. There are some right in my community who probably could use a friend or some kind of help. I'm hoping to figure out where God is leading me, and then to obey.
I'm in two different afternoon bible studies now. One at my church and one in another church here in town. I love these studies and the ladies in them. I've missed some lately, but now I should be able to get back into going. I feared I wouldn't be able to drive at first, but I tested it the other day and I did fine. The short distance to these churches should be fine.
Well, speaking of bible study, it's time I get into Scripture now. I am going to try to get into bed and turn out the lights at a decent hour tonight. My body is not on a good schedule.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Keeping The Faith and Growing
My goodness, it's been a long time since I've journaled, blogged, or whatever it is when I type here. October 24th was my last entry!!! That was years ago, where was I even? So much has changed for the better, for the worse, and whatever. My life is still whirling. I'm on some roller coaster and I want off of it, but I'm scared to jump.
I moved November 1st to the 4-plex. I described it as small, and it is, but that's OK. I haven't been able to get everything here. I'm still waiting on closing on the 5 acre sale to my sister. That's a long story. It should never have taken this long. But as of the week before Christmas, I believe, everything was done and at the bank. I hope we're just around the corner on this closing. If not, I don't know what will happen for February rent and January house payment.
I know that I cannot move back to the farm. I'm too crippled up and cannot function out there.
I've changed oncologists. I may have mentioned that here. I'm not sure I did the right thing, quite honestly. I am courting trying to go back to the very first oncologist I had.
Things are sort of a mess in several aspects: my home not being sold and me moving to a new place to rent, the sale of my 5 acres not finalized yet, and now, apparently me getting worse as far as my numbness and such and not having a doctor to diagnose me.
What a mess! It's surely tested my faith, but it's only made my faith stronger and made me rely on God all the more.
First, the sale of the 5 acres will hopefully be finalized soon. The surveyor delayed us horribly and he still has not done a complete job, but at least enough that the paperwork is finally in the banks hands as of a few weeks ago. I'm hoping to close before the end of January. Next, I hope my home sells soon.
Now, for my issue regarding my health. My cancer is still low enough that I don't need treatment. However, I think the doctors have missed something. I think I've got something going on with my spinal cord and they just haven't figured it out. It's difficult since I've changed oncologist and my new one is sort of arrogant. I don't think I like the area he works in, as I need the best of the best really, since everything I have going on is so rare and complicated. When he was sending me to another neurologist, he said he did not believe the ones at his hospital could handle what I had going on...whatever he meant by that.
I'll try to make this short and as clear as possible. When I was going to my last oncologist, Dr. D and the doctors who all worked out of KU Hospital, they said my issue was that spot at my T8. This started in May 2008. A neurologist said that I would get bad, that it would stop, and that I would not get any worse. By July 2008 I'm having to start self-cathetering. In September 2008, an MRI showed that that spot at the T8 had gotten better. The swelling was down and all that was left was "a little scar tissue." This was per the nurse of my oncologist.
By October I'm having problems with not being able to have a bowel movement. Also in October I've changed oncologists. He had me see another neurologist to confirm my symptoms. I'm not sure what that accomplished, as this other neurologists asked some questions but it was fairly apparent he had his mind made up before he even read my paperwork. I was not impressed with him and I certainly would never go to the hospital he works out of. There's more to all of this, but I don't feel like writing it all out.
But, what does not add up is the timeline of my symptoms compared to what the previous doctors are saying about my MRI results. I've continued to get more numb, crippled, and in pain..but that spot has improved?? A plus B are not adding up to C. I sound like I'm a paranoid hyperchondriac, but I do feel like my new oncologist has misjudged me. I think most of the doctors from KU misjudged me. This is so difficult. Like Doris said as we walked out of a doctor's office one day, "I feel like we're screaming but no one is listening."
I need to pray about this and trust in the Lord that He will get me through this...successfully. Three things have come to me in recent prayer and Scripture reading: thankfulness, faithfulness, and trust. God is teaching me something and I believe doing great things and I just have not seen his work yet. I read somewhere that when one goes through trials, that sometimes God has great things in store for these individuals. That is what I'm going to plan on: great things from my friendship in Jesus.
I'll get into some of this stuff more later. I just needed to update here. I am so tired and know this entry is so disorganized...but it's out there.
On a different note, I will also place some bittersweet news out here: My three precious dogs, Buddy (yellow lab), Mandy (mix), and Scottie (Sheltie) are in the best home ever. So is my precious Chloe, a cat. I'm not a "cat person" but I am crazy over Chloe. She's declawed and was an outside cat. My friend, Judy, took these precious pets of mine. They're in a better home than they ever were with me. She not only takes good care of them physically, but she gives them attention and love. This has been traumatic loosing my pets, but knowing they are so well taken care of makes it more tolerable. I'm hoping to get this crippling thing settled and if at all possible, get Chloe back as soon as I can. I love my Chloe so specially.
Mazzie (a.k.a. Mazey) has a new owner, also. I gavce my two Arabs, Stoney and Mazey, to some Natural Horse trainers I now. I knew they might find new homes for these horses. As it stands, they're keeping Stoney for the time being, but Jenny came by a perfect person for Mazzie. I would say the lady who now has Mazzie is giving her a wonderful and loving home. I could not ask for more for these beloved pets that I had been so blessed to have at one time. So, it's been bitter but there's been sweetness. That they are all in fantastic new homes makes the process easier.
That's it for now...I'm nearly falling asleep as I sit here....zzzzz
I moved November 1st to the 4-plex. I described it as small, and it is, but that's OK. I haven't been able to get everything here. I'm still waiting on closing on the 5 acre sale to my sister. That's a long story. It should never have taken this long. But as of the week before Christmas, I believe, everything was done and at the bank. I hope we're just around the corner on this closing. If not, I don't know what will happen for February rent and January house payment.
I know that I cannot move back to the farm. I'm too crippled up and cannot function out there.
I've changed oncologists. I may have mentioned that here. I'm not sure I did the right thing, quite honestly. I am courting trying to go back to the very first oncologist I had.
Things are sort of a mess in several aspects: my home not being sold and me moving to a new place to rent, the sale of my 5 acres not finalized yet, and now, apparently me getting worse as far as my numbness and such and not having a doctor to diagnose me.
What a mess! It's surely tested my faith, but it's only made my faith stronger and made me rely on God all the more.
First, the sale of the 5 acres will hopefully be finalized soon. The surveyor delayed us horribly and he still has not done a complete job, but at least enough that the paperwork is finally in the banks hands as of a few weeks ago. I'm hoping to close before the end of January. Next, I hope my home sells soon.
Now, for my issue regarding my health. My cancer is still low enough that I don't need treatment. However, I think the doctors have missed something. I think I've got something going on with my spinal cord and they just haven't figured it out. It's difficult since I've changed oncologist and my new one is sort of arrogant. I don't think I like the area he works in, as I need the best of the best really, since everything I have going on is so rare and complicated. When he was sending me to another neurologist, he said he did not believe the ones at his hospital could handle what I had going on...whatever he meant by that.
I'll try to make this short and as clear as possible. When I was going to my last oncologist, Dr. D and the doctors who all worked out of KU Hospital, they said my issue was that spot at my T8. This started in May 2008. A neurologist said that I would get bad, that it would stop, and that I would not get any worse. By July 2008 I'm having to start self-cathetering. In September 2008, an MRI showed that that spot at the T8 had gotten better. The swelling was down and all that was left was "a little scar tissue." This was per the nurse of my oncologist.
By October I'm having problems with not being able to have a bowel movement. Also in October I've changed oncologists. He had me see another neurologist to confirm my symptoms. I'm not sure what that accomplished, as this other neurologists asked some questions but it was fairly apparent he had his mind made up before he even read my paperwork. I was not impressed with him and I certainly would never go to the hospital he works out of. There's more to all of this, but I don't feel like writing it all out.
But, what does not add up is the timeline of my symptoms compared to what the previous doctors are saying about my MRI results. I've continued to get more numb, crippled, and in pain..but that spot has improved?? A plus B are not adding up to C. I sound like I'm a paranoid hyperchondriac, but I do feel like my new oncologist has misjudged me. I think most of the doctors from KU misjudged me. This is so difficult. Like Doris said as we walked out of a doctor's office one day, "I feel like we're screaming but no one is listening."
I need to pray about this and trust in the Lord that He will get me through this...successfully. Three things have come to me in recent prayer and Scripture reading: thankfulness, faithfulness, and trust. God is teaching me something and I believe doing great things and I just have not seen his work yet. I read somewhere that when one goes through trials, that sometimes God has great things in store for these individuals. That is what I'm going to plan on: great things from my friendship in Jesus.
I'll get into some of this stuff more later. I just needed to update here. I am so tired and know this entry is so disorganized...but it's out there.
On a different note, I will also place some bittersweet news out here: My three precious dogs, Buddy (yellow lab), Mandy (mix), and Scottie (Sheltie) are in the best home ever. So is my precious Chloe, a cat. I'm not a "cat person" but I am crazy over Chloe. She's declawed and was an outside cat. My friend, Judy, took these precious pets of mine. They're in a better home than they ever were with me. She not only takes good care of them physically, but she gives them attention and love. This has been traumatic loosing my pets, but knowing they are so well taken care of makes it more tolerable. I'm hoping to get this crippling thing settled and if at all possible, get Chloe back as soon as I can. I love my Chloe so specially.
Mazzie (a.k.a. Mazey) has a new owner, also. I gavce my two Arabs, Stoney and Mazey, to some Natural Horse trainers I now. I knew they might find new homes for these horses. As it stands, they're keeping Stoney for the time being, but Jenny came by a perfect person for Mazzie. I would say the lady who now has Mazzie is giving her a wonderful and loving home. I could not ask for more for these beloved pets that I had been so blessed to have at one time. So, it's been bitter but there's been sweetness. That they are all in fantastic new homes makes the process easier.
That's it for now...I'm nearly falling asleep as I sit here....zzzzz
Friday, October 24, 2008
God Answers Prayers II
I thought this deserved a separate entry. The part deserving a separate entry is the part where God is involved, but first let me tell you that I am moving November 1st to a very nice retirement place. It's got 2 bedrooms, a kitchen, laundry room, living room, patio, and garage.
The second bedroom is very small and is really more of an office. Its got a sliding glass door to the patio just outside. It's small, but large enough and extremely nice quality.
But bottom-line, I need to get out of my current home by winter, as it is too much for me in my present and changing condition. In discussing with Dennis (the retirement homes owner), I was going to move into this last open duplex (really 4-plex) he had. It has steps and a deck. I really need no steps plus having a patio versus a deck works better for me on account of having a dog to have to let outside.
When I was discussing my options with Dennis, at one time he said that he had a lady that would be moving sometime and her place does not have any steps. At that time I said that I should just leave it to God and wait for her to move. I thought God could work out the timing of my place selling. Dennis could just notify me when the lady moves. Dennis said that it could take a month or it could take a year for her to be ready to move out. It depended on when her daughter's house sold. I felt like by taking the duplex with steps that I was perhaps trying to take things in my own hands rather than following God's guidance. I'd been praying for his guidance. It's scary sort of, committing to this move and paying double rent. But I do really need to get out of here.
My one sister who's buying the 5 acres is having delays due to meeting with a surveyor, etc. So the timing of getting the money for the 5 acres and this move is critical. If I don't close on the 5 acres in time, I'm left having to borrow money from my sons in the interim. But this puts them in a jam sort of. I just don't like doing that.
My sister and Dennis both encouraged me to take the duplex with the steps and that when a duplex with no steps came available, Dennis would let me have it. I agreed, but later worried rather I was trying to take too much in my own hands. Like when God promised Sarah and Abraham a son, but after 20-something years of waiting, Sarah took it into her own hands and had Hagar sleep with Abraham. Hagar had Ishmael. It turned out causing problems because instead of trusting God and leaving it up to Him to fulfil His promise in His timing and way, Sarah took over. Was I doing the same?
In my "Love to Pray" bible study, the verses represented on that day was Mark 11:22-24: "Have faith in God," Jesus answered... Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." One of the items in this day was to try a prayer of faith experiment. It said to read James 1:5 and it said to "..note that it reveals both the nature of God and a promise of God. If you are sure of God's nature as revealed in this verse and sure that God will deliver on his promise, ask for wisdom in connection with some practical issue you are facing right now. Believe without doubt that God will supply it. Thank him in advance for the wisdom he will provide. Keep asking and trusting until you receive the wisdom you asked for." So, with deep sincerity I read aloud James 1:5 and prayed that God would show me what to do about this duplex; that he would show me whether I should move or not and I asked him to make it obvious to me. That's how I need messages.
That very night Dennis called me. He said, "God must be looking out for you. That lady called me today and she is moving out October 15th." So, I get the duplex with no steps! If that is not an obvious message from God, I don't know what is!
It's all working out. I'm leaving the timing of the 5 acres closing plus the sell of my home up to God. I need to get back to praying and trusting, as I've been a bit distracted lately. God is so good. He answers prayers and he fulfills all of His promises. I know it's not a 'name it and claim it' sort of thing, but He is here for you. Of course, your requests must be His will.
I've got more thoughts to this, but I'm so tired. I started too late in writing this. But, I figure, this story of faith is enough. God is so good and faithful.
The second bedroom is very small and is really more of an office. Its got a sliding glass door to the patio just outside. It's small, but large enough and extremely nice quality.
But bottom-line, I need to get out of my current home by winter, as it is too much for me in my present and changing condition. In discussing with Dennis (the retirement homes owner), I was going to move into this last open duplex (really 4-plex) he had. It has steps and a deck. I really need no steps plus having a patio versus a deck works better for me on account of having a dog to have to let outside.
When I was discussing my options with Dennis, at one time he said that he had a lady that would be moving sometime and her place does not have any steps. At that time I said that I should just leave it to God and wait for her to move. I thought God could work out the timing of my place selling. Dennis could just notify me when the lady moves. Dennis said that it could take a month or it could take a year for her to be ready to move out. It depended on when her daughter's house sold. I felt like by taking the duplex with steps that I was perhaps trying to take things in my own hands rather than following God's guidance. I'd been praying for his guidance. It's scary sort of, committing to this move and paying double rent. But I do really need to get out of here.
My one sister who's buying the 5 acres is having delays due to meeting with a surveyor, etc. So the timing of getting the money for the 5 acres and this move is critical. If I don't close on the 5 acres in time, I'm left having to borrow money from my sons in the interim. But this puts them in a jam sort of. I just don't like doing that.
My sister and Dennis both encouraged me to take the duplex with the steps and that when a duplex with no steps came available, Dennis would let me have it. I agreed, but later worried rather I was trying to take too much in my own hands. Like when God promised Sarah and Abraham a son, but after 20-something years of waiting, Sarah took it into her own hands and had Hagar sleep with Abraham. Hagar had Ishmael. It turned out causing problems because instead of trusting God and leaving it up to Him to fulfil His promise in His timing and way, Sarah took over. Was I doing the same?
In my "Love to Pray" bible study, the verses represented on that day was Mark 11:22-24: "Have faith in God," Jesus answered... Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." One of the items in this day was to try a prayer of faith experiment. It said to read James 1:5 and it said to "..note that it reveals both the nature of God and a promise of God. If you are sure of God's nature as revealed in this verse and sure that God will deliver on his promise, ask for wisdom in connection with some practical issue you are facing right now. Believe without doubt that God will supply it. Thank him in advance for the wisdom he will provide. Keep asking and trusting until you receive the wisdom you asked for." So, with deep sincerity I read aloud James 1:5 and prayed that God would show me what to do about this duplex; that he would show me whether I should move or not and I asked him to make it obvious to me. That's how I need messages.
That very night Dennis called me. He said, "God must be looking out for you. That lady called me today and she is moving out October 15th." So, I get the duplex with no steps! If that is not an obvious message from God, I don't know what is!
It's all working out. I'm leaving the timing of the 5 acres closing plus the sell of my home up to God. I need to get back to praying and trusting, as I've been a bit distracted lately. God is so good. He answers prayers and he fulfills all of His promises. I know it's not a 'name it and claim it' sort of thing, but He is here for you. Of course, your requests must be His will.
I've got more thoughts to this, but I'm so tired. I started too late in writing this. But, I figure, this story of faith is enough. God is so good and faithful.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I'm Still Here - Over a Month Since I've Blogged
I've been either busy or too tired to blog. My goodness, it's been a long time since I was last here. Where do I begin?
Without getting into too much boring details, I've seen my new oncologist twice. He's Dr. T. He seems very smart, maybe a little arrogant, but way more polite than Dr. D. I don't have that sense of him being in a rush, on edge, and ready to jump down my throat like Dr. D was. He referred me to a neurologist, Dr. R. A friend went with me to that appointment yesterday. I liked him also. He confirmed my problem with my numbness etc. is from the T8 area and that it was most likely from a stroke in my spinal cord. He said that he really could not do much more for me other than the diagnosis part. He agreed that my next steps are to go to Rehabilitation.
I've already been in contact with one Spinal Cord Rehabilitation place. I need to do a bit more research on another place provided me and to check on my own whether there is any other places that can provide the type of rehab I need. One place (KU actually) sent me lots of information on bowel care for people with spinal cord problems. So, I need help with bowel care, some kind of PT and help with walking or leg strength, medication or ways to cope with leg muscle spasms and with the pain in my feet.
My MM (multiple myeloma) is still OK. The markers we watch are low enough not to require treatment, but they are rising. I'm just hoping that they go back down on their own. It seems to me that they went down on their own a time or two before, but I could be mistaken.
I'm just trying to come to terms with my discomfort, inability to function normally with bowel and urination, and of course...walking and getting around. As active and fit as I was before, I still can not believe "this is me!" I would never have thought I would have got cancer much less this spinal cord injury. The spinal cord injury is weird and I don't think common with MM. No one really knows what caused the stroke in my cord and really they don't know that a stroke occurred; they can only deduct this diagnosis by process of elimination of other tests.
In summary, my cancer seems to be lying low and I'm in the midst of trying to understand and handle my spinal cord injury. There's some questionable things in my labs, but nothing serious. For example, I continue to be low in potassium and anemic. I don't recall if I'm still low on iron.
I'm trying to work on my mental frame of mind. I want to be more positive, hopeful, and thankful. The funny thing is that I've had people come up to me and say, "You are so positive. How do you do it?" Some make that remark and add how my faith is such an inspiration to them. Some even say that "I" am an inspiration to them as they watch me go through this. I do not see this at all! I see others who get stricken with an illness who say they are thankful for each day. I heard Tony Snow say that each day was a blessing. It's not that I am not thankful for each new day, but I would rather God just take me and put me out of this misery and let me be with Him. I am not suicidal at all; I do not believe in that nor do I believe in whatever it is that Dr. Kevorkian (sp?) did. I just do not hold on to this world like other people seem to do. I suppose if I was living my dream I might hold on to this life a bit more, but I'm not living my dream. Besides that, I just look forward to Jesus.
So, I look forward to seeing Jesus, but I think I need to get a bit more content with being here. That will require having more trust and dependence on God and His purpose for me. His purpose for me is why I am still here and why I am going through this stuff. When I get close to Him, deep in the Word, and involved in my bible studies, I seem to do much better.
Speaking of bible studies, I attended my Tuesday and Thursday ones this week. I'm going to try to get back into these two studies again. I am not sure I'll be able to faithfully attend my Sunday group because of the timing and also because of my comfort level. But, I'm trying to get out there and get involved in the things that mean the most to me - and that I can still do. My difficulty walking plus my complications with some body functions limit what I can do, when, where, and for how long I can do it. But I'm trying to adjust and revamp myself. Attitude, it's all in my attitude. Working on that.
Without getting into too much boring details, I've seen my new oncologist twice. He's Dr. T. He seems very smart, maybe a little arrogant, but way more polite than Dr. D. I don't have that sense of him being in a rush, on edge, and ready to jump down my throat like Dr. D was. He referred me to a neurologist, Dr. R. A friend went with me to that appointment yesterday. I liked him also. He confirmed my problem with my numbness etc. is from the T8 area and that it was most likely from a stroke in my spinal cord. He said that he really could not do much more for me other than the diagnosis part. He agreed that my next steps are to go to Rehabilitation.
I've already been in contact with one Spinal Cord Rehabilitation place. I need to do a bit more research on another place provided me and to check on my own whether there is any other places that can provide the type of rehab I need. One place (KU actually) sent me lots of information on bowel care for people with spinal cord problems. So, I need help with bowel care, some kind of PT and help with walking or leg strength, medication or ways to cope with leg muscle spasms and with the pain in my feet.
My MM (multiple myeloma) is still OK. The markers we watch are low enough not to require treatment, but they are rising. I'm just hoping that they go back down on their own. It seems to me that they went down on their own a time or two before, but I could be mistaken.
I'm just trying to come to terms with my discomfort, inability to function normally with bowel and urination, and of course...walking and getting around. As active and fit as I was before, I still can not believe "this is me!" I would never have thought I would have got cancer much less this spinal cord injury. The spinal cord injury is weird and I don't think common with MM. No one really knows what caused the stroke in my cord and really they don't know that a stroke occurred; they can only deduct this diagnosis by process of elimination of other tests.
In summary, my cancer seems to be lying low and I'm in the midst of trying to understand and handle my spinal cord injury. There's some questionable things in my labs, but nothing serious. For example, I continue to be low in potassium and anemic. I don't recall if I'm still low on iron.
I'm trying to work on my mental frame of mind. I want to be more positive, hopeful, and thankful. The funny thing is that I've had people come up to me and say, "You are so positive. How do you do it?" Some make that remark and add how my faith is such an inspiration to them. Some even say that "I" am an inspiration to them as they watch me go through this. I do not see this at all! I see others who get stricken with an illness who say they are thankful for each day. I heard Tony Snow say that each day was a blessing. It's not that I am not thankful for each new day, but I would rather God just take me and put me out of this misery and let me be with Him. I am not suicidal at all; I do not believe in that nor do I believe in whatever it is that Dr. Kevorkian (sp?) did. I just do not hold on to this world like other people seem to do. I suppose if I was living my dream I might hold on to this life a bit more, but I'm not living my dream. Besides that, I just look forward to Jesus.
So, I look forward to seeing Jesus, but I think I need to get a bit more content with being here. That will require having more trust and dependence on God and His purpose for me. His purpose for me is why I am still here and why I am going through this stuff. When I get close to Him, deep in the Word, and involved in my bible studies, I seem to do much better.
Speaking of bible studies, I attended my Tuesday and Thursday ones this week. I'm going to try to get back into these two studies again. I am not sure I'll be able to faithfully attend my Sunday group because of the timing and also because of my comfort level. But, I'm trying to get out there and get involved in the things that mean the most to me - and that I can still do. My difficulty walking plus my complications with some body functions limit what I can do, when, where, and for how long I can do it. But I'm trying to adjust and revamp myself. Attitude, it's all in my attitude. Working on that.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I'm Embarrassed and Full of It!
I was so uncomfortable and having difficulty breathing that I decided to go on to the ER. My sister, niece, and son came along. I'm so thankful for the love and support. I'm so blessed to have them.
Anyway, my bloodpressure was 201/100+. The lower number was either 112 or 128...I'm thinking 128. I'm telling you, I really do feel bad! They gave me something to lower my BP. I think it was 140 something over 90 something by the time I left about 4.5 hours later.
They ordered a CT Scan, so had me drink some Crystal Light stuff with some dye in it. This is horrible stuff, but it lightens everything up I guess. It was worth it for me if it meant I'd find the answer to this pain! Usually with a CT scan they also inject you with some dye, but for people like me with Multiple Myeloma (and there's another condition, I forget), they do not inject the contrast. It's something about proteins, clogging up in the kidneys and shutting the kidneys down. They assured me they'd still see anything in my lower abdomen area if there was any type of obstruction. I felt confident in them, that they were being thorough.
Know what I had? Oh my gosh this is embarrassing... I have GAS!!!!! YUP! I made my family spend 4.5 hours in the emergency room on a rainy Saturday afternoon, for MY GAS! Family makes a good point, though. They said, 'aren't you glad it's just gas and not a big cancerous tumor or something bad?" And yes, I guess I'd rather have gas than that. But still, I feel bad.... Doris called me later that night to tell me a couple of "gas stories" of others who've gone to the ER with gas pain, saying it felt like they were having a heart attack or something.
It's just that I'm really not usually the "ER" type of person. When I had a kidney stone in 1997, I waited until I was near or into shock so bad that I didn't even remember leaving home. I guess I was blacking out. When I was first sick with MM (and didn't know it of course), I lay around 2 days with a high fever. Oh well. I am sure that having MM and the things I've gone through since it that I do probably jump to conclusions a bit faster when I have wierd sensations in my body. Then I think living out in the country with no neighbors, I do probably get a bit fixated on discomforts and then began to panic.
But now I have an answer that makes sense. Oh, and speaking of the answer. The ER doctor (whom we all liked very much) said that he thought I was creating my own problem with gas by taking the Senna, Colace, and Miralax (and whatever) every day. Well, that great Dr. D insisted I take that much in order to have a BM every day. I was only following her directions.
I need to try to go as natural a possible. Fiber. Fresh fruit and vegetables, and so on. This ER doctor said that if I ever feel constipated, to just get that Fleets Phosphorus (or whatever it is) which is a little bit of this nasty salty stuff, but it will clean you out in a few hours and give you relief. What I was doing was messing me up, is the thought.
I still have the stomach pressure so far, though at least my mind is more at ease. Evidently there is some nerve damage going on still because I'm having increased numbness and yucky in my legs and feet - and that strong sensation of "sitting on something." BUT...in my mind at least I know there is not a blockage.
The strange thing is, the xrays that my oncologist's people took showed I had "no gas, but poop throughout my intestines, not moving along." So of course she ordered me Lactulose (which was horrible because it gave me more bloat & gas than I already had). I started taking the Senna, Colace, and Miralax again and probably just blew myself up.
So here's the other part of the strange thing: The ER at the C-hospital I went to yesterday said the CT Scan showed that I was FULL of gas, ready to pop around the room like a balloon, but that I didn't have any poop. I still have to wonder if as much comes out that goes in, but how do you measure that?
OH isn't my entries interesting? I never meant them to go to bowelmovements and gas, but they could be political? That would be worse, don't you think? :)
I'm horribly uncomfortable in this body. It's frightening to think that I will have to learn to live with it, like this, and for how long? But, I have to realize it could always be worse, that it can get better with God's grace, doctor's help, and my own better judgment in what I eat and injest. I know there's people worse off than me.
I need to stop complaining. I've read of too many ill people who never complained of their ailments and even went the other direction in saying that 'they felt wonderful.' Look at Tony Snow! He kept saying how each day was a new day. There are other's like Tony that had wonderful attitudes in the midst of pain. I hope before my time that I am handling this much more gracefully, because I'm not now. I appreciate the understanding, acceptance, and patience that my family and friends have given me. It has to get old hearing my whine.
A part of me wants to describe my condition, but I want to get through it positively and successfully, then hope that if someone else goes through something similar, that my experience would give them strength. But how could it if I whine about this so much?
Well, kids are here for church. That's it. I've got gas. Sheesh.
Anyway, my bloodpressure was 201/100+. The lower number was either 112 or 128...I'm thinking 128. I'm telling you, I really do feel bad! They gave me something to lower my BP. I think it was 140 something over 90 something by the time I left about 4.5 hours later.
They ordered a CT Scan, so had me drink some Crystal Light stuff with some dye in it. This is horrible stuff, but it lightens everything up I guess. It was worth it for me if it meant I'd find the answer to this pain! Usually with a CT scan they also inject you with some dye, but for people like me with Multiple Myeloma (and there's another condition, I forget), they do not inject the contrast. It's something about proteins, clogging up in the kidneys and shutting the kidneys down. They assured me they'd still see anything in my lower abdomen area if there was any type of obstruction. I felt confident in them, that they were being thorough.
Know what I had? Oh my gosh this is embarrassing... I have GAS!!!!! YUP! I made my family spend 4.5 hours in the emergency room on a rainy Saturday afternoon, for MY GAS! Family makes a good point, though. They said, 'aren't you glad it's just gas and not a big cancerous tumor or something bad?" And yes, I guess I'd rather have gas than that. But still, I feel bad.... Doris called me later that night to tell me a couple of "gas stories" of others who've gone to the ER with gas pain, saying it felt like they were having a heart attack or something.
It's just that I'm really not usually the "ER" type of person. When I had a kidney stone in 1997, I waited until I was near or into shock so bad that I didn't even remember leaving home. I guess I was blacking out. When I was first sick with MM (and didn't know it of course), I lay around 2 days with a high fever. Oh well. I am sure that having MM and the things I've gone through since it that I do probably jump to conclusions a bit faster when I have wierd sensations in my body. Then I think living out in the country with no neighbors, I do probably get a bit fixated on discomforts and then began to panic.
But now I have an answer that makes sense. Oh, and speaking of the answer. The ER doctor (whom we all liked very much) said that he thought I was creating my own problem with gas by taking the Senna, Colace, and Miralax (and whatever) every day. Well, that great Dr. D insisted I take that much in order to have a BM every day. I was only following her directions.
I need to try to go as natural a possible. Fiber. Fresh fruit and vegetables, and so on. This ER doctor said that if I ever feel constipated, to just get that Fleets Phosphorus (or whatever it is) which is a little bit of this nasty salty stuff, but it will clean you out in a few hours and give you relief. What I was doing was messing me up, is the thought.
I still have the stomach pressure so far, though at least my mind is more at ease. Evidently there is some nerve damage going on still because I'm having increased numbness and yucky in my legs and feet - and that strong sensation of "sitting on something." BUT...in my mind at least I know there is not a blockage.
The strange thing is, the xrays that my oncologist's people took showed I had "no gas, but poop throughout my intestines, not moving along." So of course she ordered me Lactulose (which was horrible because it gave me more bloat & gas than I already had). I started taking the Senna, Colace, and Miralax again and probably just blew myself up.
So here's the other part of the strange thing: The ER at the C-hospital I went to yesterday said the CT Scan showed that I was FULL of gas, ready to pop around the room like a balloon, but that I didn't have any poop. I still have to wonder if as much comes out that goes in, but how do you measure that?
OH isn't my entries interesting? I never meant them to go to bowelmovements and gas, but they could be political? That would be worse, don't you think? :)
I'm horribly uncomfortable in this body. It's frightening to think that I will have to learn to live with it, like this, and for how long? But, I have to realize it could always be worse, that it can get better with God's grace, doctor's help, and my own better judgment in what I eat and injest. I know there's people worse off than me.
I need to stop complaining. I've read of too many ill people who never complained of their ailments and even went the other direction in saying that 'they felt wonderful.' Look at Tony Snow! He kept saying how each day was a new day. There are other's like Tony that had wonderful attitudes in the midst of pain. I hope before my time that I am handling this much more gracefully, because I'm not now. I appreciate the understanding, acceptance, and patience that my family and friends have given me. It has to get old hearing my whine.
A part of me wants to describe my condition, but I want to get through it positively and successfully, then hope that if someone else goes through something similar, that my experience would give them strength. But how could it if I whine about this so much?
Well, kids are here for church. That's it. I've got gas. Sheesh.
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